I normally walked into my apartment towards the kitchen. I set my purse and Ryot's bag on the kitchen table, as usual. I casually flipped the light switch, but nothing. Nothing happened. I flipped the light switch back off, picked up Ryot's bag and my purse, closed my eyes and took a couple steps backwards.
Let's try this again.
I normally walked back into the kitchen. I set my purse and Ryot's bag on the kitchen table, as usual. I paused, took a deep breath and flipped the switch, but nothing. Nothing happened. Poor Ryot is staring at me like I have lost my mind. Maybe I have lost my mind. Maybe the past couple weeks have just been one big nightmare that I will wake up from and rejoin normal life. Not the case last night at least. Maybe tomorrow.
For the next half hour I am the barefoot mom pacing outside the front of her apartment with a baby on her hip getting the run-around from electric companies and providers. Call Southwest. Get transferred to Centerpoint. Centerpoint tells me that my moveout date was listed as 1/28 and thats why it was turned off. Centerpoint tells me to call Southwest. Southwest tells me to call Reliant. An automated Reliant system tells me to call Southwest. Southwest transfers me to Centerpoint. Centerpoint tells me that they can't do anything without an order from Southwest. I ask Centerpoint if they could turn my power on that night if I got Southwest to put the order in. Centerpoint tells me no.
During this fun merry-go-round of tranfers, and by fun I mean completely frustrating, I have texted Coral to let her know what was happening. Like the "true blue spider sister" she is, I start packing my bags to go stay with her for the night. Thank you LORD for my amazing family who is there to help in my time of need (which unfortunately seems to be a lot lately. I'm SORRY!).
So what do I do when I get in the car? I call him. Why did I call him? I was stressed and upset and it was natural. Call my husband. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm supposed to have him there and available to be able to call when stuff like this happens. That is how it is supposed to be. I call him and just start talking like everything is normal. But then I realize that everything is not normal. He doesn't want to be my husband anymore. I don't have that normality anymore. I get quiet and apologize for calling. He, of course, is kind and says that it's ok and I can call him whenever, but that he was going to get something to eat. This is NOT normal. This is NOT right. This is NOT how it's supposed to be. I just want today to be over. I want this month to be over. I want this year to be over. I want to travel back in time and make everything different. I want to crawl into a little hole and never come out. At least that's how I feel right now. Tomorrow I will probably be fine. Hey, in 20 minutes I will probably be fine. But right now I'm just mad. Just mad and hurt and scared and frustrated and lonely.
I know everything will be fine. I know I serve a great God who deserves all the glory. I know my attitude is not very glorifying to God. I know my fear is not showing my trust in Him. I know my frustration is probably frustrating to Him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry and right now I'm just overwhelmed.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
I don't believe in bad luck, but I think it believes in me.
This is how I feel.
I was pulling out of my parking spot. 7:00am. Not even 3 feet out of my parking spot, and not even going over 1 mph, suddenly WHACK!
My heart drops. My stomach feels instantly nauseated. Wake up, wake up, please wake up. This is just a bad dream. I just got in a wreck in December, I can't do this again. First - check on Ryot. Good, she is not crying. She is happily still drinking her chocolate milk. *Insert HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF here*
Ok Kayla, get out of the car.
Oh. My. Word. My entire bumper is gone. This SERIOUSLY can NOT be happening.
The guy gets out of the car frustrated and irate. "I don't have time for this. I'm late. I really don't have time for this. I have to be on the other side of town."
What I think (in a sarcastic thought tone) 'I'm fine. My baby is fine. Thank you so much for your concern. UGH'
What I say, "Ok, can I have your information?"
The girl gets out of the car and makes a call. She is frustrated too and tells whoever she is on the phone with, "I'm so sorry, we are going to be late. We just hit someone."
I get his information and his company's information. As I'm writing it down he says "Oh, you have a baby. That's cool." What? What part of this is cool? You just slammed into my car and me having a baby is cool? They are in so much of a hurry that they leave. Still in shock. I hear Ryot crying and I panick. But she isn't hurt, she is just tired of sitting in her car seat when I am outside of the car. OH CRAP, the CARSEAT. ERRRRR Now I have to go buy ANOTHER one. That is incredibly frustrating.
Looks like the car is still driveable. I just have to get the bumper off. But I can't reach the screws. My screwdriver is too long. But I have to call the insurance. and Coral. and Brian. Well, no I don't have to call Brian. Well, yes I do have to call Brian because Ryot was in the car. Oh, and my work I need to call them too. Ok, call insurance and text both Coral and Brian. I still have time to call my work afterwards. Work, I have to go to work. And move. I was supposed to go sign my new lease today. And get the paperwork ready for the government assistance I now need. And figure out how this whole divorce thing is going to work out. My stomach grumbles. I need to eat. When was the last time I ate? I don't remember. How can I not remember? I'm really not hungry anyway...
I was pulling out of my parking spot. 7:00am. Not even 3 feet out of my parking spot, and not even going over 1 mph, suddenly WHACK!
My heart drops. My stomach feels instantly nauseated. Wake up, wake up, please wake up. This is just a bad dream. I just got in a wreck in December, I can't do this again. First - check on Ryot. Good, she is not crying. She is happily still drinking her chocolate milk. *Insert HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF here*
Ok Kayla, get out of the car.
Oh. My. Word. My entire bumper is gone. This SERIOUSLY can NOT be happening.
The guy gets out of the car frustrated and irate. "I don't have time for this. I'm late. I really don't have time for this. I have to be on the other side of town."
What I think (in a sarcastic thought tone) 'I'm fine. My baby is fine. Thank you so much for your concern. UGH'
What I say, "Ok, can I have your information?"
The girl gets out of the car and makes a call. She is frustrated too and tells whoever she is on the phone with, "I'm so sorry, we are going to be late. We just hit someone."
I get his information and his company's information. As I'm writing it down he says "Oh, you have a baby. That's cool." What? What part of this is cool? You just slammed into my car and me having a baby is cool? They are in so much of a hurry that they leave. Still in shock. I hear Ryot crying and I panick. But she isn't hurt, she is just tired of sitting in her car seat when I am outside of the car. OH CRAP, the CARSEAT. ERRRRR Now I have to go buy ANOTHER one. That is incredibly frustrating.
Looks like the car is still driveable. I just have to get the bumper off. But I can't reach the screws. My screwdriver is too long. But I have to call the insurance. and Coral. and Brian. Well, no I don't have to call Brian. Well, yes I do have to call Brian because Ryot was in the car. Oh, and my work I need to call them too. Ok, call insurance and text both Coral and Brian. I still have time to call my work afterwards. Work, I have to go to work. And move. I was supposed to go sign my new lease today. And get the paperwork ready for the government assistance I now need. And figure out how this whole divorce thing is going to work out. My stomach grumbles. I need to eat. When was the last time I ate? I don't remember. How can I not remember? I'm really not hungry anyway...
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tomorrow I may hurt, but today joy will be my song.
Thank you Lord for your revelations! He doesn't have to reveal himself to me but he does and I am so humbled!
I heard a song on the radio this morning that shed a little more light to me regarding my previous post. It's a beautiful song by Bebo Norman. I was listening to it thinking about giving my situation and feelings to God. I had already heard the chorus once before and even sang along. But the second time around I was at a stop light and turned it up to really listen to the lyrics:
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I just started thinking about my life and various situations in a different light...in His light. Yesterday I was asking what I believe are all still valid questions. I was confused where the fine line was drawn between being joyful in Christ and feeling the pain that life sometimes brings. I do think it's ok to feel and hurt and mourn the loss of something beautiful. Especially if it is something as valuable and sacred as marriage. But it was at this moment that I realized where that line really was drawn.
And before I elaborate, let me just add this disclaimer...although my opinion is somewhat of an addition AND contradiction to my thoughts yesterday, I don't think that I was necessarily wrong yesterday. I think the Holy Spirit reveals things in the Lord's timing and not our own. I think that I can have the view I had yesterday and be just as "right" as I am today. So anyways...back to your regularly scheduled programming...
Today when I heard "I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside", I heard it a little bit differently than usual. When I heard the chorus the first time I thanked God for being the Healer in my times of sorrow and brokenness. And when I heard it the second time, I heard how the lyrics were arranged. It doesn't say "I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt that happens to me.", it says the "hurt I hold inside". So yesterday my thought process was wrong and right. I do think I'm allowed to feel pain and hurt and anger but then I have to let it go. I can't hold on to it or dwell on it. Yes, it is fine to hurt but when it gets to the point that I am holding on to the hurt, that is when the line is crossed and I need to give it up. God has great plans for His children and those plans either won't get accomplished, will be severely delayed or compromised if we don't let go of pain, bitterness and anger in our hearts.
So today I'm letting it go. Today is a good day. I don't know what breeze tomorrow will blow my way but I don't have to worry about it. Yesterday God was faithful, today God is faithful and tomorrow He will be faithful yet again, so I am letting it all go. Tomorrow I may hurt, but today joy will be my song.
I heard a song on the radio this morning that shed a little more light to me regarding my previous post. It's a beautiful song by Bebo Norman. I was listening to it thinking about giving my situation and feelings to God. I had already heard the chorus once before and even sang along. But the second time around I was at a stop light and turned it up to really listen to the lyrics:
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I just started thinking about my life and various situations in a different light...in His light. Yesterday I was asking what I believe are all still valid questions. I was confused where the fine line was drawn between being joyful in Christ and feeling the pain that life sometimes brings. I do think it's ok to feel and hurt and mourn the loss of something beautiful. Especially if it is something as valuable and sacred as marriage. But it was at this moment that I realized where that line really was drawn.
And before I elaborate, let me just add this disclaimer...although my opinion is somewhat of an addition AND contradiction to my thoughts yesterday, I don't think that I was necessarily wrong yesterday. I think the Holy Spirit reveals things in the Lord's timing and not our own. I think that I can have the view I had yesterday and be just as "right" as I am today. So anyways...back to your regularly scheduled programming...
Today when I heard "I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside", I heard it a little bit differently than usual. When I heard the chorus the first time I thanked God for being the Healer in my times of sorrow and brokenness. And when I heard it the second time, I heard how the lyrics were arranged. It doesn't say "I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt that happens to me.", it says the "hurt I hold inside". So yesterday my thought process was wrong and right. I do think I'm allowed to feel pain and hurt and anger but then I have to let it go. I can't hold on to it or dwell on it. Yes, it is fine to hurt but when it gets to the point that I am holding on to the hurt, that is when the line is crossed and I need to give it up. God has great plans for His children and those plans either won't get accomplished, will be severely delayed or compromised if we don't let go of pain, bitterness and anger in our hearts.
So today I'm letting it go. Today is a good day. I don't know what breeze tomorrow will blow my way but I don't have to worry about it. Yesterday God was faithful, today God is faithful and tomorrow He will be faithful yet again, so I am letting it all go. Tomorrow I may hurt, but today joy will be my song.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Job and James and Kayla?
I have been sad and I have been tired. I have answered that I am "just ok". I have vented. But I have forgotten about Job and James.
Most of the time I feel guilty about feeling sad and hurt as if it is a sign of weakness to ache as I do. I think about James and I should be counting "it all joy" because my faith is producing steadfastness. And when I read that I can be positive about the future. I know this pain is temporary. I know God has bigger plans. I am really excited to see what those plans are, but I'm not rushing to move on or find someone new. I know that God is going to do mighty things in my and my beautiful angel's life and I am excited to impact the world. God is faithful and perfect and He has been my Jehovah Jireh on so many occassions in my life. I have full faith that He will continue to be my rock and security and salvation. I think about my witness and I feel like I should be happy all the time because I have the hope in Christ and his glory is what really matters. I know that my life has meaning and purpose. I try my hardest to glorify God with my attitude, actions and thoughts. He is it. He is the I Am. He deserves all the praise and worship despite what is going on in my own little world.
God WILL get the victory. I will be happy again, but I have everlasting joy now and always. The joy that only Christ can bring. Joy that is permanent regardless of any circumstance. But happiness? That emotion only comes in spurts for me lately. But then I think of Job. He had EVERYTHING taken away from him. Pretty much all of Job 16 & 17 displays Job crying and weeping and hurting. He is "shriveled up" (vs 8) "broken" (vs 14), his "face is red with weeping" (vs 16) and he is "hopelss (vs 15). Oh how I have claimed these emotions as my own this week. I know it's not a comparison but it is such a relief to see those raw emotions displayed. Yesterday I vented and then felt SO guilty as if feeling these horrible emotions and pain and fear and desparity was taking away from the hope I have in Christ.
I was created human with a heart to love. And not just a regular heart that only loves some things or halfway. Love is not a hard emotion for me to come by. I love people I don't even know and genuinely FEEL their pain. Reading "Bringing Home the Browns", "Praying for the Nevils" and "Rockstar Ronan" has me in constant prayer and often times tears for these families. I don't know what it is like to have my spouse in a coma, or my child injured or taken away from me by cancer. But I feel that pain to the point of empathy. I feel that pain and thank God for what I have on a daily basis.
So I have asked myself this question so many times, why - a dangerous thing to ask, I know - WHY would God create me so sensitive and then have awful things happen? Why don't I have a relationship with my Dad, one I so desperately desire? Why didn't my mom get to go to my ultrasounds and meet my sweet little girl? Why did I end up as a single parent when this was one of the main things I was trying to avoid? Well, I really don't need to know why. At this point in my life I am past needing to know God's motives. Time and time again He has proven to me, even though he didn't have to, that he is good and perfect and faithful and omnipotent and merciful and righteous and protective and jealous and loving and everything that I need at any moment of my life. He is everything and in everything and everything that exists is because of and for him. Praise the Lord for that! He is sovereign and deserves all the praise and worship we can offer.
In continuing this thought, part of me says that God would receive an even greater glory becuase my complete abandonment to him in those areas of my deepest insecurity would be more genuine. But then, am I allowed to feel that pain that the horrible situations create? Am I allowed to cry out like Job? Satan tested Job and took away everything. Job cried out in agony and hurt and desperation but still remained faithful in his heart and mind that God is good. I mean, seriously, look at his heart being poured out here:
Job 16: 11-17
11 God gives me up to the ungodly
and casts me into the hands of the wicked.
12 I was at ease, and he broke me apart;
he seized me by the neck and dashed me to pieces;
he set me up as his target;
13 his archers surround me.
He slashes open my kidneys and does not spare;
he pours out my gall on the ground.
14 He breaks me with breach upon breach;
he runs upon me like a warrior.
15 I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin
and have laid my strength in the dust.
16 My face is red with weeping,
and on my eyelids is deep darkness,
17 although there is no violence in my hands,
and my prayer is pure
I completely identify with Job here. I have "laid my strength in the dust" so that Christ's strength is all I have. "My face is red with weeping", and in other words I look like a druggie most of the time, but I know that God is pure and has greater plans.
I have been devastated. But I think I'm allowed to be. I know who my God is. I know He gets the victory. I know that my whole world does not revolve around this heartache. This is merely one stepping stone toward being closer with God. I am strong in front of Ryot. I am strong at work. I am strong when I have to be. But I think in my quiet hours, my secret space, my alone time, I am allowed to hurt and feel and cry and be sad. No, my whole family wasn't taken from me, but it still sucks. SUCKS.
So what is the verdict of my thoughts and rants? I think I am allowed to feel. I think it is ok to be sad and hurt. I am not going to feel guilty for being honest with how I am doing. However, God has been, is and will always be forever worthy of praise, glory and complete abandonment of self. He is it, people. Choose him, choose God. Don't wait for something traumatice to happen that forces to you desperation. Don't wait. He loves you and is waiting for you to call out to him. He is the only thing that can make you happy. He is the ONLY reason that I can have hope after this kind of life-changing disappointment. I am not going to say that this doesn't hurt. It sucks so bad but I know this isn't going to last forever. So for now, I will feel. I will cry or scream if I feel like it. I will eat way too many oreos and watch movies and wear sweatpants all the time. I will cry out to God but I will do so laying all of my fears, worries and pain at His feet knowing what is truth.
This was not my fault.
I am cherished and loved.
I am chosen as a daughter of the Most High King.
I have a purpose.
I have an inheritance in heaven waiting for me.
God will be glorified.
And that is good enough for me. Actually that is WAY more than I deserve and I am so grateful.
Most of the time I feel guilty about feeling sad and hurt as if it is a sign of weakness to ache as I do. I think about James and I should be counting "it all joy" because my faith is producing steadfastness. And when I read that I can be positive about the future. I know this pain is temporary. I know God has bigger plans. I am really excited to see what those plans are, but I'm not rushing to move on or find someone new. I know that God is going to do mighty things in my and my beautiful angel's life and I am excited to impact the world. God is faithful and perfect and He has been my Jehovah Jireh on so many occassions in my life. I have full faith that He will continue to be my rock and security and salvation. I think about my witness and I feel like I should be happy all the time because I have the hope in Christ and his glory is what really matters. I know that my life has meaning and purpose. I try my hardest to glorify God with my attitude, actions and thoughts. He is it. He is the I Am. He deserves all the praise and worship despite what is going on in my own little world.
God WILL get the victory. I will be happy again, but I have everlasting joy now and always. The joy that only Christ can bring. Joy that is permanent regardless of any circumstance. But happiness? That emotion only comes in spurts for me lately. But then I think of Job. He had EVERYTHING taken away from him. Pretty much all of Job 16 & 17 displays Job crying and weeping and hurting. He is "shriveled up" (vs 8) "broken" (vs 14), his "face is red with weeping" (vs 16) and he is "hopelss (vs 15). Oh how I have claimed these emotions as my own this week. I know it's not a comparison but it is such a relief to see those raw emotions displayed. Yesterday I vented and then felt SO guilty as if feeling these horrible emotions and pain and fear and desparity was taking away from the hope I have in Christ.
I was created human with a heart to love. And not just a regular heart that only loves some things or halfway. Love is not a hard emotion for me to come by. I love people I don't even know and genuinely FEEL their pain. Reading "Bringing Home the Browns", "Praying for the Nevils" and "Rockstar Ronan" has me in constant prayer and often times tears for these families. I don't know what it is like to have my spouse in a coma, or my child injured or taken away from me by cancer. But I feel that pain to the point of empathy. I feel that pain and thank God for what I have on a daily basis.
So I have asked myself this question so many times, why - a dangerous thing to ask, I know - WHY would God create me so sensitive and then have awful things happen? Why don't I have a relationship with my Dad, one I so desperately desire? Why didn't my mom get to go to my ultrasounds and meet my sweet little girl? Why did I end up as a single parent when this was one of the main things I was trying to avoid? Well, I really don't need to know why. At this point in my life I am past needing to know God's motives. Time and time again He has proven to me, even though he didn't have to, that he is good and perfect and faithful and omnipotent and merciful and righteous and protective and jealous and loving and everything that I need at any moment of my life. He is everything and in everything and everything that exists is because of and for him. Praise the Lord for that! He is sovereign and deserves all the praise and worship we can offer.
In continuing this thought, part of me says that God would receive an even greater glory becuase my complete abandonment to him in those areas of my deepest insecurity would be more genuine. But then, am I allowed to feel that pain that the horrible situations create? Am I allowed to cry out like Job? Satan tested Job and took away everything. Job cried out in agony and hurt and desperation but still remained faithful in his heart and mind that God is good. I mean, seriously, look at his heart being poured out here:
Job 16: 11-17
11 God gives me up to the ungodly
and casts me into the hands of the wicked.
12 I was at ease, and he broke me apart;
he seized me by the neck and dashed me to pieces;
he set me up as his target;
13 his archers surround me.
He slashes open my kidneys and does not spare;
he pours out my gall on the ground.
14 He breaks me with breach upon breach;
he runs upon me like a warrior.
15 I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin
and have laid my strength in the dust.
16 My face is red with weeping,
and on my eyelids is deep darkness,
17 although there is no violence in my hands,
and my prayer is pure
I completely identify with Job here. I have "laid my strength in the dust" so that Christ's strength is all I have. "My face is red with weeping", and in other words I look like a druggie most of the time, but I know that God is pure and has greater plans.
I have been devastated. But I think I'm allowed to be. I know who my God is. I know He gets the victory. I know that my whole world does not revolve around this heartache. This is merely one stepping stone toward being closer with God. I am strong in front of Ryot. I am strong at work. I am strong when I have to be. But I think in my quiet hours, my secret space, my alone time, I am allowed to hurt and feel and cry and be sad. No, my whole family wasn't taken from me, but it still sucks. SUCKS.
So what is the verdict of my thoughts and rants? I think I am allowed to feel. I think it is ok to be sad and hurt. I am not going to feel guilty for being honest with how I am doing. However, God has been, is and will always be forever worthy of praise, glory and complete abandonment of self. He is it, people. Choose him, choose God. Don't wait for something traumatice to happen that forces to you desperation. Don't wait. He loves you and is waiting for you to call out to him. He is the only thing that can make you happy. He is the ONLY reason that I can have hope after this kind of life-changing disappointment. I am not going to say that this doesn't hurt. It sucks so bad but I know this isn't going to last forever. So for now, I will feel. I will cry or scream if I feel like it. I will eat way too many oreos and watch movies and wear sweatpants all the time. I will cry out to God but I will do so laying all of my fears, worries and pain at His feet knowing what is truth.
This was not my fault.
I am cherished and loved.
I am chosen as a daughter of the Most High King.
I have a purpose.
I have an inheritance in heaven waiting for me.
God will be glorified.
And that is good enough for me. Actually that is WAY more than I deserve and I am so grateful.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Today sucks.
At work, I can put on this face and smile and carry on as if nothing is wrong. In front of Ryot I can be the most fun-loving, happy, dance party partner, puzzle genius, chef and cuddle buddy. But I see his picture, and I freeze. I think about the past and I don't know whether to smile or cry or both. I hear his voice and I just completely crumble.
This was not supposed to happen.
This was not the plan.
I didn't want this for Ryot.
I know the truth and the hope that I have in Christ and I am so grateful. I don't know how I would survive without His promises and comfort.
Please don't tell me there are other fish in the sea. There might be, but in my mind there aren't. I married him. I wanted him. He was the only one. forever. until death do us part. murder is unbiblical and illegal so he was it. There has never been another option in my mind. Sure there are guys that are good looking but I was off the market. They didn't even register as an option. And now I have to change that mindset? How am I supposed to just switch it off? I don't have the new age thoughts of being married until you are tired of it. I took my vows seriously and now they are nothing.
Yes, I have my beautiful perfect little girl out of it and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't regret the relationship or what it taught me. I'm just at a loss. Ya see, I'm a planner. I like to know what happens next. At work I have created order and protocols that have improved efficiency and morale. It flows easy. I know what to expect. There is a process and a reason for everything. When Ryot was a tiny tot I kept her on a strict schedule so that we both could have the stability and security for our day. But now I'm at a place where I have absolutely no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. And the thing is that I understand it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I'm guilty of planning my life and asking for God's blessing afterwards. I know that God has me exactly where he wants me. But right now this just sucks. I know in my head it is right and following God's plan and will for my life will produce far great results than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that. I know I will be in a better place soon.
But honestly, this sucks. It hurts. It is heart-wrenching, devastating, horrible, scary pain that doesn't just go away with a promise of "there are other fish in the sea". I don't want other fish. I wanted mine.
I'm sad. I'm functioning, but I'm sad. I can smile, but I hurt. I can laugh, but I'm broken.
This just plain freaking sucks.
This was not supposed to happen.
This was not the plan.
I didn't want this for Ryot.
I know the truth and the hope that I have in Christ and I am so grateful. I don't know how I would survive without His promises and comfort.
Please don't tell me there are other fish in the sea. There might be, but in my mind there aren't. I married him. I wanted him. He was the only one. forever. until death do us part. murder is unbiblical and illegal so he was it. There has never been another option in my mind. Sure there are guys that are good looking but I was off the market. They didn't even register as an option. And now I have to change that mindset? How am I supposed to just switch it off? I don't have the new age thoughts of being married until you are tired of it. I took my vows seriously and now they are nothing.
Yes, I have my beautiful perfect little girl out of it and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't regret the relationship or what it taught me. I'm just at a loss. Ya see, I'm a planner. I like to know what happens next. At work I have created order and protocols that have improved efficiency and morale. It flows easy. I know what to expect. There is a process and a reason for everything. When Ryot was a tiny tot I kept her on a strict schedule so that we both could have the stability and security for our day. But now I'm at a place where I have absolutely no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. And the thing is that I understand it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I'm guilty of planning my life and asking for God's blessing afterwards. I know that God has me exactly where he wants me. But right now this just sucks. I know in my head it is right and following God's plan and will for my life will produce far great results than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that. I know I will be in a better place soon.
But honestly, this sucks. It hurts. It is heart-wrenching, devastating, horrible, scary pain that doesn't just go away with a promise of "there are other fish in the sea". I don't want other fish. I wanted mine.
I'm sad. I'm functioning, but I'm sad. I can smile, but I hurt. I can laugh, but I'm broken.
This just plain freaking sucks.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Medley
You think I'm pretty without any make-up on. You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong. I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down.
The telephone is singing, ringing, It's too early don't pick it up. We don't need to we got everything we need right here and everything we need is enough. Just so easy, when the whole world fits inside of your arms, don't really need to pay attention to the alarm. Wake up slow, yeah, wake up slow.
I wanna love you, I want to love and treat you right; I wanna love you every day and every night: We'll be together, with a roof over our heads to share the shelter in a single bed; Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Wo-o-o-oah!
There is no combination of words I could put on the postcard and no song that I could sing, but I can try because this is your heart and this is our dreams and they are made out of real things. Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving. Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together.
When I said “I do”, I meant that I will ‘til the end of all time. Be faithful and true, devoted to you, that’s what I had in mind, when I said “I do”.
I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, and be amazed. I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough. Just want to be worthy of love and beautiful.
And now, I need to know is this real love, or is it just madness keeping us afloat? (Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad)
And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had, like some kind of madness was taking control. (Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad) Yeah
It's not a silly little moment. It's not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on. We're going down, and you can see it too. We're going down, and you know that we're doomed. My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.
Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy
you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
Ryot - I love you, little girl. You are my sweet miracle.
Hey, little girl, you might not know this song. This is not the kind of song that you can sing along to but hey, little girl, maybe someday at least that's what all the good people will say. Hey, little girl, look what you've done. You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own. You stole my heart and made it your own.
Although you see the world different than me. Sometimes I can touch upon the wonders that you see all the new colors and pictures you've designed. Oh yes, sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine. Child of mine, child of mine, oh yes, sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine.
The telephone is singing, ringing, It's too early don't pick it up. We don't need to we got everything we need right here and everything we need is enough. Just so easy, when the whole world fits inside of your arms, don't really need to pay attention to the alarm. Wake up slow, yeah, wake up slow.
I wanna love you, I want to love and treat you right; I wanna love you every day and every night: We'll be together, with a roof over our heads to share the shelter in a single bed; Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Wo-o-o-oah!
There is no combination of words I could put on the postcard and no song that I could sing, but I can try because this is your heart and this is our dreams and they are made out of real things. Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving. Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together.
When I said “I do”, I meant that I will ‘til the end of all time. Be faithful and true, devoted to you, that’s what I had in mind, when I said “I do”.
I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, and be amazed. I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough. Just want to be worthy of love and beautiful.
And now, I need to know is this real love, or is it just madness keeping us afloat? (Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad)
And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had, like some kind of madness was taking control. (Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad) Yeah
It's not a silly little moment. It's not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on. We're going down, and you can see it too. We're going down, and you know that we're doomed. My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.
Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy
you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
Ryot - I love you, little girl. You are my sweet miracle.
Hey, little girl, you might not know this song. This is not the kind of song that you can sing along to but hey, little girl, maybe someday at least that's what all the good people will say. Hey, little girl, look what you've done. You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own. You stole my heart and made it your own.
Although you see the world different than me. Sometimes I can touch upon the wonders that you see all the new colors and pictures you've designed. Oh yes, sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine. Child of mine, child of mine, oh yes, sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Give me Your heart
Usually I have a bit of road rage.
This morning as I was driving, I decided that I would pray for the crazy people I was driving beside instead of letting myself get angry at their stupid decisions (i.e. swerving in my lane, going under the speed limit, slaming on brakes, texting, etc). I prayed that God would keep everyone safe on the slick roads, keep their families safe, help them as they go about their day to be happy and loving towards the people around them and then that God would reveal Himself to them today and show them His goodness and salvation. Suddenly it hit me, I started seeing these people as God sees them. Then Brandon Heath's song "Give me your eyes" came on KSBJ on my radio in which the chorus says:
"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see "
I wasn't seeing them as people who were getting in my way by driving too slow. I wasn't seeing them as rude people who were cutting me off or speeding dangerously too fast past me. I saw them as opportunities, as friends, as family, as people in need of love. I wondered how many people that I was driving beside were believers. I thought about someone on the other side of town maybe praying the same thing. Maybe they were driving next to my boss and prayed that someone would touch his life and show my boss Christ's love. But they don't know that I work there. They don't know that there is someone that my boss works with that loves Jesus. Maybe they were just praying in faith as they were driving that God was going to listen and answer and bring someone into my boss' life.
At this point in my conversation with Jesus, I kinda had a lightbulb moment. Praying for the lives of the people surrounding me that I didn't know led me to reevaluate how I was going to interact with my peers, boss, coworkers, family, etc. See, it doesn't matter if there was a person on the other side of town that prayed for my boss. It is my responsiblity and JOY to minister to the people around me and tell them of this precious gift that I have. This precious gift of salvation and joy that overcomes every kind of suffering or circumstance.
It is good to pray for the safety of the people driving beside you. But oh how great a joy is it to pray that we would have the heart of Jesus. "Give me your love for humanity."
How differently would I respond to situations on a daily basis if I really LOVED the people that I was interacting with just as Christ loves them?
Ouch. God is always faithful and I fall so short so often.
This morning as I was driving, I decided that I would pray for the crazy people I was driving beside instead of letting myself get angry at their stupid decisions (i.e. swerving in my lane, going under the speed limit, slaming on brakes, texting, etc). I prayed that God would keep everyone safe on the slick roads, keep their families safe, help them as they go about their day to be happy and loving towards the people around them and then that God would reveal Himself to them today and show them His goodness and salvation. Suddenly it hit me, I started seeing these people as God sees them. Then Brandon Heath's song "Give me your eyes" came on KSBJ on my radio in which the chorus says:
"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see "
I wasn't seeing them as people who were getting in my way by driving too slow. I wasn't seeing them as rude people who were cutting me off or speeding dangerously too fast past me. I saw them as opportunities, as friends, as family, as people in need of love. I wondered how many people that I was driving beside were believers. I thought about someone on the other side of town maybe praying the same thing. Maybe they were driving next to my boss and prayed that someone would touch his life and show my boss Christ's love. But they don't know that I work there. They don't know that there is someone that my boss works with that loves Jesus. Maybe they were just praying in faith as they were driving that God was going to listen and answer and bring someone into my boss' life.
At this point in my conversation with Jesus, I kinda had a lightbulb moment. Praying for the lives of the people surrounding me that I didn't know led me to reevaluate how I was going to interact with my peers, boss, coworkers, family, etc. See, it doesn't matter if there was a person on the other side of town that prayed for my boss. It is my responsiblity and JOY to minister to the people around me and tell them of this precious gift that I have. This precious gift of salvation and joy that overcomes every kind of suffering or circumstance.
It is good to pray for the safety of the people driving beside you. But oh how great a joy is it to pray that we would have the heart of Jesus. "Give me your love for humanity."
How differently would I respond to situations on a daily basis if I really LOVED the people that I was interacting with just as Christ loves them?
Ouch. God is always faithful and I fall so short so often.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
150 Days to a Healthier, Happier Me
150 days.
There are 150 days until June 1st, 2013. Just 5 days before Ryot's birthday. What could I do in 150 days? Think about it.
150 focused determined days of becoming a better me.
150 days to actually be fine with getting my picture taken.
150 days to be happier with how I look.
150 days to feel comfortable in my skin again.
150 days to have something to be really proud of.
150 days to shed this baby weight that I have not had on me for 18 months.
150 days isn't a lot in the scheme of life.
I can't go to the gym. I can't afford special shake mixes or weight loss pills or exercise equipment. But I do have will, determination and my own body weight as resistence. I have a couple hours that normal people are awake at night after Ryot goes to bed. I say normal people because I would go to sleep when Ryot does every night if I didn't feel so lame. But I can stay awake. I can do it. I have room in my living room to work out. I have no excuses...except work out clothes. That I'm seriously lacking. But I will make it work. I already changed my diet to work with my lack of gallbladder, so now I just need to stick to it more closely and work out.
Day 1. Starts now.
There are 150 days until June 1st, 2013. Just 5 days before Ryot's birthday. What could I do in 150 days? Think about it.
150 focused determined days of becoming a better me.
150 days to actually be fine with getting my picture taken.
150 days to be happier with how I look.
150 days to feel comfortable in my skin again.
150 days to have something to be really proud of.
150 days to shed this baby weight that I have not had on me for 18 months.
150 days isn't a lot in the scheme of life.
I can't go to the gym. I can't afford special shake mixes or weight loss pills or exercise equipment. But I do have will, determination and my own body weight as resistence. I have a couple hours that normal people are awake at night after Ryot goes to bed. I say normal people because I would go to sleep when Ryot does every night if I didn't feel so lame. But I can stay awake. I can do it. I have room in my living room to work out. I have no excuses...except work out clothes. That I'm seriously lacking. But I will make it work. I already changed my diet to work with my lack of gallbladder, so now I just need to stick to it more closely and work out.
Day 1. Starts now.
Present to me, from me. Happy New Year's!
I don't usually buy things for me. When I do, I have penny-pinched money or I have used gift cards. I don't like spending money in general. But as a way of saying "Happy New Year's" to me, I bought myself a little present.
A Coffee Pot!
I love coffee and without gift cards, Starbucks and Dunns Bros. just gets too expensive. So I bought myself a cheap but good coffee pot that looks quite perfect in my kitchen if I may say so myself. Now, I have more motivation for my feet to hit the cold floor in the morning because I am going to start my coffee pot. I can hear the gurgling of the water warming up and I can smell the sweet aroma dancing its way towards me.
"The best thing about waking up, is Folger's in your cup!"
Ok, not the best thing about waking up, but it's definitely placed high on the list. Oh! And wanna hear the best thing about the whole experience? I thought that Folger's Black Silk was only in the Kuerig K-cups. But no, no, no! They have Black Silk in a regular tub just for me! So this morning, I started my Black Silk brewing, added a little sugar and some Irish Almond Cream and it was just perfection in a warm delicious cup.
I think 2013 started off just fine and dandy for me.
A Coffee Pot!
I love coffee and without gift cards, Starbucks and Dunns Bros. just gets too expensive. So I bought myself a cheap but good coffee pot that looks quite perfect in my kitchen if I may say so myself. Now, I have more motivation for my feet to hit the cold floor in the morning because I am going to start my coffee pot. I can hear the gurgling of the water warming up and I can smell the sweet aroma dancing its way towards me.
"The best thing about waking up, is Folger's in your cup!"
Ok, not the best thing about waking up, but it's definitely placed high on the list. Oh! And wanna hear the best thing about the whole experience? I thought that Folger's Black Silk was only in the Kuerig K-cups. But no, no, no! They have Black Silk in a regular tub just for me! So this morning, I started my Black Silk brewing, added a little sugar and some Irish Almond Cream and it was just perfection in a warm delicious cup.
I think 2013 started off just fine and dandy for me.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Burnt-out syndrome?
These exerpts taken from an article called "The Burnt-out generation" by Tanith Carey.
With one in ten women working more than 45 hours a week, it’s no surprise that many are teetering on the brink when it comes to their physical and mental health. And it’s not just perfectionists and workaholics who tip over the edge, according to Dr Joan Borysenko, author of a new book examining this phenomenon. In fact, it’s an issue that’s becoming increasingly problematic now that redundancies have left the remaining staff to cope with impossible workloads, too afraid to object for fear they’ll be next in the firing line.
Dr Borysenko believes women suffer so severely because they are more likely than men to be people-pleasers who ignore their own needs. Trapped in a cycle of trying to do their best, but not realising the toll it’s taking on them, they end up in a cycle of despair.
In a recent survey of 2,000 people, it was revealed that as many as one in three women has taken anti-depressants. Eighteen per cent of them did not tell their family they were taking medication, and one in ten did not even confide in her partner. Crucially, even though the symptoms of burn-out can resemble depression, medication won’t cure it, according to Dr Borysenko. Instead, people need to spot the warning signs and make fundamental changes to their lifestyles. ‘Productivity rises with stress, but only to a certain point,’ she says. ‘When you’re stressed, you chase the same old carrot, whatever that might be for you. After that, you find yourself in the land of diminishing returns. You’re working harder, but getting less quality work done. That’s when burn-out sets in.’
Dr Borysenko spent ten years trying to juggle academic research, raise two children and write books. She realised something was wrong when she felt numb even during the most joyous moments. She is worried about the toll on mothers trying to do it all, especially now that a job is no longer a matter of choice for many, but is instead essential to keeping the family finances afloat. With fewer support networks and husbands unable to help because they are also victims of the long-hours culture, the burden of holding down a job and bringing up children can become intolerable. ‘Women are good at multi-tasking, but when you’re a working mother there are just too many tasks,’ says Dr Borysenko. ‘Wherever you are, you think you’re in the wrong place.’
For this reason, she says women have to give themselves permission to be brutal about cutting out the many time-drains — such as unsolicited emails — in their lives in order to survive. Women need to create a sliding scale in their head. At one end, the number one means: “I’m feeling really good.” Ten is: “I’m feeling burnt out.”
‘Keep making a mark between those two points to work out where you stand. If it gets to eight and you’re feel you can’t stand it any more, it’s time to take urgent action to relieve the situation.’ Everyone’s tolerance level varies, so each of us needs to learn to identify what helps. ‘Often, it can be something as simple as giving ourselves the time to look after ourselves, such as getting a massage or having uninterrupted time alone when no one asks us to do anything for them,’ says Dr Borysenko. Letting off steam with female friends is also important. 'The women I consulted for the book say how helpful it is for them to be able to confide in a female friend. Partners will often try to fix your life, but women don’t necessarily want that. They just want to be able to share and confide.’
Sam Willoughby, from Hampshire, decided she needed help 18 months ago. She hit rock bottom when she felt she would have to close down her successful internet business, the parenting advice website What’s On 4. ‘Women have to make time for themselves, just like a Formula One driver has to make a pit stop, otherwise the tyres burst’. ‘I’d fallen into a pattern where I felt I was working like a dog and wasn’t getting anywhere. I’d put on three stone because I never allowed myself time to exercise,’ she says. ‘I wasn’t recognising what I’d achieved. Every day felt like Groundhog Day, another battle to try to do everything on my list.
‘I didn’t feel I was a good mother, a good businesswoman or a good wife. I felt I was failing on all fronts.'
Ok, so my thoughts....
Burnt-out syndrome? I don't know if I would take it as far to label it an illness or syndrome. But I do understand the feeling.
I like working. I have worked since I was 14. I was babysitting for familes in my church from 12 yrs old. I like the intellectual stimulation. I enjoy deadlines, structure, business, organization, office comradery and the challenge. And honestly, I need the money. That's where it gets stressful.
I love being a wife. I loved Vegas when things were good. I loved having the house presentable, the baby happy and dinner ready or cooking when Brian walked in the door from work. It didn't happen like that everytime, but thats what I strived for. I enjoy the conversation, love, help and committment from a partner. And honestly, I was designed by God to be loved. That's where it gets stressful.
I love being a mom. Being a mom is the one thing in life that my heart yearned for as far as "growing up". I loved every moment of pregnancy even though I was sick. Even though I was tired and fat and had no idea what I was doing, I loved those sleepless nigths. I love every second I get to see her face, hear her laugh, feel her love when she chooses to show affection, and watch her grow and learn about life. I love that I have been entrusted to be her mommy and to help shepherd her heart towards God and the true joy found in Him. That's where it gets stressful.
I don't know everything about the working world. I get turned away every other interview because of my age alone. I don't have the cutest, work savvy business clothes. I probably couldn't fit in them and look good even if I did have some. I am in no way shape or form the best wife. I saw a welcome sign the other day that said "Welcome to my loose interpretation of clean." I seriously need that for my door! My house is clean but it's often messy. Because after I get home from work, I'm exhausted. And then how do I choose between doing dishes, or reading books and doing puzzles with Ryot. I don't. I do the puzzles, and have the dance parties and cuddle moments with Ryot because she is more important than a spotless home. But then when I first walk in the door, it makes me anxious to see stuff just lying around and not put away in it's proper place. And then there is the morning routine. What am I saying? There is NO routine! This morning went rather smoothly but yesterday was ridiculous! I tried on probably 17 different outfits and NONE of them worked. Well, some of them probably worked but it didn't look right to me in the mirror. I could see this problem area, or that bunching there or just the whole collaboration was a joke. I'm not a fashionista. So because I was in a hurry to get to work and Ryot wasn't awake yet, I'm trying to find clothes to wear in my closet in Ryot's room in the dark. Trying to be quiet while she is sleeping. Trying to find an outfit that I don't look ridiculous in. Throwing the clothes on the floor because I couldn't see in the dark to put them away. But then there are clothes on the floor and that's just one more thing that I have to do when I get home on top of the dishes in the sink from last night because right when I was going to put them away Ryot woke up and started coughing and crying. So now, I can't find anything to wear, I have dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, the bed isn't made, Ryot needs a bath but we don't have time because I'm running late to work. I wanted to be on time.
I wanted to have a clean home.
I wanted an hour of quiet time with my Bible and the Lord.
I wanted quality time with Ryot.
I wanted breakfast.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This looks NOTHING like the proverbial wife should look in Proverbs 31.
And this is the point where I feel like I fail on every front. I guess this is my form of "burnt-out syndrome" otherwise known as "not relying on the Lord syndrome" accompanied with "not getting validation from the Lord syndrome", "oh so very lonely syndrome" and admittedly a lot of "being WAY too hard on myself syndrome".
I don't want to be alone or sleep alone. I don't want to stay in Texas. I want my family to be together. I want to be desired and loved. I want my marriage to be happy and perfect. I want to have never known the hurt and heartbreak of 2012.
But if I didn't know the hurt and heartbreak of 2012 I wouldn't have known the magnitude of the faithfulness and steadfast love and comfort that only God can provide.
I know God's plan is perfect. I know I have to trust in Him. I'm just struggling today...well really, this week, well really with Christmas. What, am I going to sing "baby, it's cold outside" to myself? And cuddle with pillows by the Christmas tree? Errrrr
God is faithful and gracious when I don't deserve it.
I don't understand why things are the way they are right now. And honestly, I don't like it. It hurts. It's not fun. It's stressful. But life is not about me.
Ok, my venting is over for today. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that He is worthy of the glory even when my feelings contradict what I know to be truth. And that is what I will TRY to rest in today.
With one in ten women working more than 45 hours a week, it’s no surprise that many are teetering on the brink when it comes to their physical and mental health. And it’s not just perfectionists and workaholics who tip over the edge, according to Dr Joan Borysenko, author of a new book examining this phenomenon. In fact, it’s an issue that’s becoming increasingly problematic now that redundancies have left the remaining staff to cope with impossible workloads, too afraid to object for fear they’ll be next in the firing line.
Dr Borysenko believes women suffer so severely because they are more likely than men to be people-pleasers who ignore their own needs. Trapped in a cycle of trying to do their best, but not realising the toll it’s taking on them, they end up in a cycle of despair.
In a recent survey of 2,000 people, it was revealed that as many as one in three women has taken anti-depressants. Eighteen per cent of them did not tell their family they were taking medication, and one in ten did not even confide in her partner. Crucially, even though the symptoms of burn-out can resemble depression, medication won’t cure it, according to Dr Borysenko. Instead, people need to spot the warning signs and make fundamental changes to their lifestyles. ‘Productivity rises with stress, but only to a certain point,’ she says. ‘When you’re stressed, you chase the same old carrot, whatever that might be for you. After that, you find yourself in the land of diminishing returns. You’re working harder, but getting less quality work done. That’s when burn-out sets in.’
Dr Borysenko spent ten years trying to juggle academic research, raise two children and write books. She realised something was wrong when she felt numb even during the most joyous moments. She is worried about the toll on mothers trying to do it all, especially now that a job is no longer a matter of choice for many, but is instead essential to keeping the family finances afloat. With fewer support networks and husbands unable to help because they are also victims of the long-hours culture, the burden of holding down a job and bringing up children can become intolerable. ‘Women are good at multi-tasking, but when you’re a working mother there are just too many tasks,’ says Dr Borysenko. ‘Wherever you are, you think you’re in the wrong place.’
For this reason, she says women have to give themselves permission to be brutal about cutting out the many time-drains — such as unsolicited emails — in their lives in order to survive. Women need to create a sliding scale in their head. At one end, the number one means: “I’m feeling really good.” Ten is: “I’m feeling burnt out.”
‘Keep making a mark between those two points to work out where you stand. If it gets to eight and you’re feel you can’t stand it any more, it’s time to take urgent action to relieve the situation.’ Everyone’s tolerance level varies, so each of us needs to learn to identify what helps. ‘Often, it can be something as simple as giving ourselves the time to look after ourselves, such as getting a massage or having uninterrupted time alone when no one asks us to do anything for them,’ says Dr Borysenko. Letting off steam with female friends is also important. 'The women I consulted for the book say how helpful it is for them to be able to confide in a female friend. Partners will often try to fix your life, but women don’t necessarily want that. They just want to be able to share and confide.’
Sam Willoughby, from Hampshire, decided she needed help 18 months ago. She hit rock bottom when she felt she would have to close down her successful internet business, the parenting advice website What’s On 4. ‘Women have to make time for themselves, just like a Formula One driver has to make a pit stop, otherwise the tyres burst’. ‘I’d fallen into a pattern where I felt I was working like a dog and wasn’t getting anywhere. I’d put on three stone because I never allowed myself time to exercise,’ she says. ‘I wasn’t recognising what I’d achieved. Every day felt like Groundhog Day, another battle to try to do everything on my list.
‘I didn’t feel I was a good mother, a good businesswoman or a good wife. I felt I was failing on all fronts.'
Ok, so my thoughts....
Burnt-out syndrome? I don't know if I would take it as far to label it an illness or syndrome. But I do understand the feeling.
I like working. I have worked since I was 14. I was babysitting for familes in my church from 12 yrs old. I like the intellectual stimulation. I enjoy deadlines, structure, business, organization, office comradery and the challenge. And honestly, I need the money. That's where it gets stressful.
I love being a wife. I loved Vegas when things were good. I loved having the house presentable, the baby happy and dinner ready or cooking when Brian walked in the door from work. It didn't happen like that everytime, but thats what I strived for. I enjoy the conversation, love, help and committment from a partner. And honestly, I was designed by God to be loved. That's where it gets stressful.
I love being a mom. Being a mom is the one thing in life that my heart yearned for as far as "growing up". I loved every moment of pregnancy even though I was sick. Even though I was tired and fat and had no idea what I was doing, I loved those sleepless nigths. I love every second I get to see her face, hear her laugh, feel her love when she chooses to show affection, and watch her grow and learn about life. I love that I have been entrusted to be her mommy and to help shepherd her heart towards God and the true joy found in Him. That's where it gets stressful.
I don't know everything about the working world. I get turned away every other interview because of my age alone. I don't have the cutest, work savvy business clothes. I probably couldn't fit in them and look good even if I did have some. I am in no way shape or form the best wife. I saw a welcome sign the other day that said "Welcome to my loose interpretation of clean." I seriously need that for my door! My house is clean but it's often messy. Because after I get home from work, I'm exhausted. And then how do I choose between doing dishes, or reading books and doing puzzles with Ryot. I don't. I do the puzzles, and have the dance parties and cuddle moments with Ryot because she is more important than a spotless home. But then when I first walk in the door, it makes me anxious to see stuff just lying around and not put away in it's proper place. And then there is the morning routine. What am I saying? There is NO routine! This morning went rather smoothly but yesterday was ridiculous! I tried on probably 17 different outfits and NONE of them worked. Well, some of them probably worked but it didn't look right to me in the mirror. I could see this problem area, or that bunching there or just the whole collaboration was a joke. I'm not a fashionista. So because I was in a hurry to get to work and Ryot wasn't awake yet, I'm trying to find clothes to wear in my closet in Ryot's room in the dark. Trying to be quiet while she is sleeping. Trying to find an outfit that I don't look ridiculous in. Throwing the clothes on the floor because I couldn't see in the dark to put them away. But then there are clothes on the floor and that's just one more thing that I have to do when I get home on top of the dishes in the sink from last night because right when I was going to put them away Ryot woke up and started coughing and crying. So now, I can't find anything to wear, I have dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, the bed isn't made, Ryot needs a bath but we don't have time because I'm running late to work. I wanted to be on time.
I wanted to have a clean home.
I wanted an hour of quiet time with my Bible and the Lord.
I wanted quality time with Ryot.
I wanted breakfast.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This looks NOTHING like the proverbial wife should look in Proverbs 31.
And this is the point where I feel like I fail on every front. I guess this is my form of "burnt-out syndrome" otherwise known as "not relying on the Lord syndrome" accompanied with "not getting validation from the Lord syndrome", "oh so very lonely syndrome" and admittedly a lot of "being WAY too hard on myself syndrome".
I don't want to be alone or sleep alone. I don't want to stay in Texas. I want my family to be together. I want to be desired and loved. I want my marriage to be happy and perfect. I want to have never known the hurt and heartbreak of 2012.
But if I didn't know the hurt and heartbreak of 2012 I wouldn't have known the magnitude of the faithfulness and steadfast love and comfort that only God can provide.
I know God's plan is perfect. I know I have to trust in Him. I'm just struggling today...well really, this week, well really with Christmas. What, am I going to sing "baby, it's cold outside" to myself? And cuddle with pillows by the Christmas tree? Errrrr
God is faithful and gracious when I don't deserve it.
I don't understand why things are the way they are right now. And honestly, I don't like it. It hurts. It's not fun. It's stressful. But life is not about me.
Ok, my venting is over for today. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that He is worthy of the glory even when my feelings contradict what I know to be truth. And that is what I will TRY to rest in today.
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