I normally walked into my apartment towards the kitchen. I set my purse and Ryot's bag on the kitchen table, as usual. I casually flipped the light switch, but nothing. Nothing happened. I flipped the light switch back off, picked up Ryot's bag and my purse, closed my eyes and took a couple steps backwards.
Let's try this again.
I normally walked back into the kitchen. I set my purse and Ryot's bag on the kitchen table, as usual. I paused, took a deep breath and flipped the switch, but nothing. Nothing happened. Poor Ryot is staring at me like I have lost my mind. Maybe I have lost my mind. Maybe the past couple weeks have just been one big nightmare that I will wake up from and rejoin normal life. Not the case last night at least. Maybe tomorrow.
For the next half hour I am the barefoot mom pacing outside the front of her apartment with a baby on her hip getting the run-around from electric companies and providers. Call Southwest. Get transferred to Centerpoint. Centerpoint tells me that my moveout date was listed as 1/28 and thats why it was turned off. Centerpoint tells me to call Southwest. Southwest tells me to call Reliant. An automated Reliant system tells me to call Southwest. Southwest transfers me to Centerpoint. Centerpoint tells me that they can't do anything without an order from Southwest. I ask Centerpoint if they could turn my power on that night if I got Southwest to put the order in. Centerpoint tells me no.
During this fun merry-go-round of tranfers, and by fun I mean completely frustrating, I have texted Coral to let her know what was happening. Like the "true blue spider sister" she is, I start packing my bags to go stay with her for the night. Thank you LORD for my amazing family who is there to help in my time of need (which unfortunately seems to be a lot lately. I'm SORRY!).
So what do I do when I get in the car? I call him. Why did I call him? I was stressed and upset and it was natural. Call my husband. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm supposed to have him there and available to be able to call when stuff like this happens. That is how it is supposed to be. I call him and just start talking like everything is normal. But then I realize that everything is not normal. He doesn't want to be my husband anymore. I don't have that normality anymore. I get quiet and apologize for calling. He, of course, is kind and says that it's ok and I can call him whenever, but that he was going to get something to eat. This is NOT normal. This is NOT right. This is NOT how it's supposed to be. I just want today to be over. I want this month to be over. I want this year to be over. I want to travel back in time and make everything different. I want to crawl into a little hole and never come out. At least that's how I feel right now. Tomorrow I will probably be fine. Hey, in 20 minutes I will probably be fine. But right now I'm just mad. Just mad and hurt and scared and frustrated and lonely.
I know everything will be fine. I know I serve a great God who deserves all the glory. I know my attitude is not very glorifying to God. I know my fear is not showing my trust in Him. I know my frustration is probably frustrating to Him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry and right now I'm just overwhelmed.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
I don't believe in bad luck, but I think it believes in me.
This is how I feel.
I was pulling out of my parking spot. 7:00am. Not even 3 feet out of my parking spot, and not even going over 1 mph, suddenly WHACK!
My heart drops. My stomach feels instantly nauseated. Wake up, wake up, please wake up. This is just a bad dream. I just got in a wreck in December, I can't do this again. First - check on Ryot. Good, she is not crying. She is happily still drinking her chocolate milk. *Insert HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF here*
Ok Kayla, get out of the car.
Oh. My. Word. My entire bumper is gone. This SERIOUSLY can NOT be happening.
The guy gets out of the car frustrated and irate. "I don't have time for this. I'm late. I really don't have time for this. I have to be on the other side of town."
What I think (in a sarcastic thought tone) 'I'm fine. My baby is fine. Thank you so much for your concern. UGH'
What I say, "Ok, can I have your information?"
The girl gets out of the car and makes a call. She is frustrated too and tells whoever she is on the phone with, "I'm so sorry, we are going to be late. We just hit someone."
I get his information and his company's information. As I'm writing it down he says "Oh, you have a baby. That's cool." What? What part of this is cool? You just slammed into my car and me having a baby is cool? They are in so much of a hurry that they leave. Still in shock. I hear Ryot crying and I panick. But she isn't hurt, she is just tired of sitting in her car seat when I am outside of the car. OH CRAP, the CARSEAT. ERRRRR Now I have to go buy ANOTHER one. That is incredibly frustrating.
Looks like the car is still driveable. I just have to get the bumper off. But I can't reach the screws. My screwdriver is too long. But I have to call the insurance. and Coral. and Brian. Well, no I don't have to call Brian. Well, yes I do have to call Brian because Ryot was in the car. Oh, and my work I need to call them too. Ok, call insurance and text both Coral and Brian. I still have time to call my work afterwards. Work, I have to go to work. And move. I was supposed to go sign my new lease today. And get the paperwork ready for the government assistance I now need. And figure out how this whole divorce thing is going to work out. My stomach grumbles. I need to eat. When was the last time I ate? I don't remember. How can I not remember? I'm really not hungry anyway...
I was pulling out of my parking spot. 7:00am. Not even 3 feet out of my parking spot, and not even going over 1 mph, suddenly WHACK!
My heart drops. My stomach feels instantly nauseated. Wake up, wake up, please wake up. This is just a bad dream. I just got in a wreck in December, I can't do this again. First - check on Ryot. Good, she is not crying. She is happily still drinking her chocolate milk. *Insert HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF here*
Ok Kayla, get out of the car.
Oh. My. Word. My entire bumper is gone. This SERIOUSLY can NOT be happening.
The guy gets out of the car frustrated and irate. "I don't have time for this. I'm late. I really don't have time for this. I have to be on the other side of town."
What I think (in a sarcastic thought tone) 'I'm fine. My baby is fine. Thank you so much for your concern. UGH'
What I say, "Ok, can I have your information?"
The girl gets out of the car and makes a call. She is frustrated too and tells whoever she is on the phone with, "I'm so sorry, we are going to be late. We just hit someone."
I get his information and his company's information. As I'm writing it down he says "Oh, you have a baby. That's cool." What? What part of this is cool? You just slammed into my car and me having a baby is cool? They are in so much of a hurry that they leave. Still in shock. I hear Ryot crying and I panick. But she isn't hurt, she is just tired of sitting in her car seat when I am outside of the car. OH CRAP, the CARSEAT. ERRRRR Now I have to go buy ANOTHER one. That is incredibly frustrating.
Looks like the car is still driveable. I just have to get the bumper off. But I can't reach the screws. My screwdriver is too long. But I have to call the insurance. and Coral. and Brian. Well, no I don't have to call Brian. Well, yes I do have to call Brian because Ryot was in the car. Oh, and my work I need to call them too. Ok, call insurance and text both Coral and Brian. I still have time to call my work afterwards. Work, I have to go to work. And move. I was supposed to go sign my new lease today. And get the paperwork ready for the government assistance I now need. And figure out how this whole divorce thing is going to work out. My stomach grumbles. I need to eat. When was the last time I ate? I don't remember. How can I not remember? I'm really not hungry anyway...
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tomorrow I may hurt, but today joy will be my song.
Thank you Lord for your revelations! He doesn't have to reveal himself to me but he does and I am so humbled!
I heard a song on the radio this morning that shed a little more light to me regarding my previous post. It's a beautiful song by Bebo Norman. I was listening to it thinking about giving my situation and feelings to God. I had already heard the chorus once before and even sang along. But the second time around I was at a stop light and turned it up to really listen to the lyrics:
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I just started thinking about my life and various situations in a different light...in His light. Yesterday I was asking what I believe are all still valid questions. I was confused where the fine line was drawn between being joyful in Christ and feeling the pain that life sometimes brings. I do think it's ok to feel and hurt and mourn the loss of something beautiful. Especially if it is something as valuable and sacred as marriage. But it was at this moment that I realized where that line really was drawn.
And before I elaborate, let me just add this disclaimer...although my opinion is somewhat of an addition AND contradiction to my thoughts yesterday, I don't think that I was necessarily wrong yesterday. I think the Holy Spirit reveals things in the Lord's timing and not our own. I think that I can have the view I had yesterday and be just as "right" as I am today. So anyways...back to your regularly scheduled programming...
Today when I heard "I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside", I heard it a little bit differently than usual. When I heard the chorus the first time I thanked God for being the Healer in my times of sorrow and brokenness. And when I heard it the second time, I heard how the lyrics were arranged. It doesn't say "I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt that happens to me.", it says the "hurt I hold inside". So yesterday my thought process was wrong and right. I do think I'm allowed to feel pain and hurt and anger but then I have to let it go. I can't hold on to it or dwell on it. Yes, it is fine to hurt but when it gets to the point that I am holding on to the hurt, that is when the line is crossed and I need to give it up. God has great plans for His children and those plans either won't get accomplished, will be severely delayed or compromised if we don't let go of pain, bitterness and anger in our hearts.
So today I'm letting it go. Today is a good day. I don't know what breeze tomorrow will blow my way but I don't have to worry about it. Yesterday God was faithful, today God is faithful and tomorrow He will be faithful yet again, so I am letting it all go. Tomorrow I may hurt, but today joy will be my song.
I heard a song on the radio this morning that shed a little more light to me regarding my previous post. It's a beautiful song by Bebo Norman. I was listening to it thinking about giving my situation and feelings to God. I had already heard the chorus once before and even sang along. But the second time around I was at a stop light and turned it up to really listen to the lyrics:
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I just started thinking about my life and various situations in a different light...in His light. Yesterday I was asking what I believe are all still valid questions. I was confused where the fine line was drawn between being joyful in Christ and feeling the pain that life sometimes brings. I do think it's ok to feel and hurt and mourn the loss of something beautiful. Especially if it is something as valuable and sacred as marriage. But it was at this moment that I realized where that line really was drawn.
And before I elaborate, let me just add this disclaimer...although my opinion is somewhat of an addition AND contradiction to my thoughts yesterday, I don't think that I was necessarily wrong yesterday. I think the Holy Spirit reveals things in the Lord's timing and not our own. I think that I can have the view I had yesterday and be just as "right" as I am today. So anyways...back to your regularly scheduled programming...
Today when I heard "I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside", I heard it a little bit differently than usual. When I heard the chorus the first time I thanked God for being the Healer in my times of sorrow and brokenness. And when I heard it the second time, I heard how the lyrics were arranged. It doesn't say "I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt that happens to me.", it says the "hurt I hold inside". So yesterday my thought process was wrong and right. I do think I'm allowed to feel pain and hurt and anger but then I have to let it go. I can't hold on to it or dwell on it. Yes, it is fine to hurt but when it gets to the point that I am holding on to the hurt, that is when the line is crossed and I need to give it up. God has great plans for His children and those plans either won't get accomplished, will be severely delayed or compromised if we don't let go of pain, bitterness and anger in our hearts.
So today I'm letting it go. Today is a good day. I don't know what breeze tomorrow will blow my way but I don't have to worry about it. Yesterday God was faithful, today God is faithful and tomorrow He will be faithful yet again, so I am letting it all go. Tomorrow I may hurt, but today joy will be my song.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Job and James and Kayla?
I have been sad and I have been tired. I have answered that I am "just ok". I have vented. But I have forgotten about Job and James.
Most of the time I feel guilty about feeling sad and hurt as if it is a sign of weakness to ache as I do. I think about James and I should be counting "it all joy" because my faith is producing steadfastness. And when I read that I can be positive about the future. I know this pain is temporary. I know God has bigger plans. I am really excited to see what those plans are, but I'm not rushing to move on or find someone new. I know that God is going to do mighty things in my and my beautiful angel's life and I am excited to impact the world. God is faithful and perfect and He has been my Jehovah Jireh on so many occassions in my life. I have full faith that He will continue to be my rock and security and salvation. I think about my witness and I feel like I should be happy all the time because I have the hope in Christ and his glory is what really matters. I know that my life has meaning and purpose. I try my hardest to glorify God with my attitude, actions and thoughts. He is it. He is the I Am. He deserves all the praise and worship despite what is going on in my own little world.
God WILL get the victory. I will be happy again, but I have everlasting joy now and always. The joy that only Christ can bring. Joy that is permanent regardless of any circumstance. But happiness? That emotion only comes in spurts for me lately. But then I think of Job. He had EVERYTHING taken away from him. Pretty much all of Job 16 & 17 displays Job crying and weeping and hurting. He is "shriveled up" (vs 8) "broken" (vs 14), his "face is red with weeping" (vs 16) and he is "hopelss (vs 15). Oh how I have claimed these emotions as my own this week. I know it's not a comparison but it is such a relief to see those raw emotions displayed. Yesterday I vented and then felt SO guilty as if feeling these horrible emotions and pain and fear and desparity was taking away from the hope I have in Christ.
I was created human with a heart to love. And not just a regular heart that only loves some things or halfway. Love is not a hard emotion for me to come by. I love people I don't even know and genuinely FEEL their pain. Reading "Bringing Home the Browns", "Praying for the Nevils" and "Rockstar Ronan" has me in constant prayer and often times tears for these families. I don't know what it is like to have my spouse in a coma, or my child injured or taken away from me by cancer. But I feel that pain to the point of empathy. I feel that pain and thank God for what I have on a daily basis.
So I have asked myself this question so many times, why - a dangerous thing to ask, I know - WHY would God create me so sensitive and then have awful things happen? Why don't I have a relationship with my Dad, one I so desperately desire? Why didn't my mom get to go to my ultrasounds and meet my sweet little girl? Why did I end up as a single parent when this was one of the main things I was trying to avoid? Well, I really don't need to know why. At this point in my life I am past needing to know God's motives. Time and time again He has proven to me, even though he didn't have to, that he is good and perfect and faithful and omnipotent and merciful and righteous and protective and jealous and loving and everything that I need at any moment of my life. He is everything and in everything and everything that exists is because of and for him. Praise the Lord for that! He is sovereign and deserves all the praise and worship we can offer.
In continuing this thought, part of me says that God would receive an even greater glory becuase my complete abandonment to him in those areas of my deepest insecurity would be more genuine. But then, am I allowed to feel that pain that the horrible situations create? Am I allowed to cry out like Job? Satan tested Job and took away everything. Job cried out in agony and hurt and desperation but still remained faithful in his heart and mind that God is good. I mean, seriously, look at his heart being poured out here:
Job 16: 11-17
11 God gives me up to the ungodly
and casts me into the hands of the wicked.
12 I was at ease, and he broke me apart;
he seized me by the neck and dashed me to pieces;
he set me up as his target;
13 his archers surround me.
He slashes open my kidneys and does not spare;
he pours out my gall on the ground.
14 He breaks me with breach upon breach;
he runs upon me like a warrior.
15 I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin
and have laid my strength in the dust.
16 My face is red with weeping,
and on my eyelids is deep darkness,
17 although there is no violence in my hands,
and my prayer is pure
I completely identify with Job here. I have "laid my strength in the dust" so that Christ's strength is all I have. "My face is red with weeping", and in other words I look like a druggie most of the time, but I know that God is pure and has greater plans.
I have been devastated. But I think I'm allowed to be. I know who my God is. I know He gets the victory. I know that my whole world does not revolve around this heartache. This is merely one stepping stone toward being closer with God. I am strong in front of Ryot. I am strong at work. I am strong when I have to be. But I think in my quiet hours, my secret space, my alone time, I am allowed to hurt and feel and cry and be sad. No, my whole family wasn't taken from me, but it still sucks. SUCKS.
So what is the verdict of my thoughts and rants? I think I am allowed to feel. I think it is ok to be sad and hurt. I am not going to feel guilty for being honest with how I am doing. However, God has been, is and will always be forever worthy of praise, glory and complete abandonment of self. He is it, people. Choose him, choose God. Don't wait for something traumatice to happen that forces to you desperation. Don't wait. He loves you and is waiting for you to call out to him. He is the only thing that can make you happy. He is the ONLY reason that I can have hope after this kind of life-changing disappointment. I am not going to say that this doesn't hurt. It sucks so bad but I know this isn't going to last forever. So for now, I will feel. I will cry or scream if I feel like it. I will eat way too many oreos and watch movies and wear sweatpants all the time. I will cry out to God but I will do so laying all of my fears, worries and pain at His feet knowing what is truth.
This was not my fault.
I am cherished and loved.
I am chosen as a daughter of the Most High King.
I have a purpose.
I have an inheritance in heaven waiting for me.
God will be glorified.
And that is good enough for me. Actually that is WAY more than I deserve and I am so grateful.
Most of the time I feel guilty about feeling sad and hurt as if it is a sign of weakness to ache as I do. I think about James and I should be counting "it all joy" because my faith is producing steadfastness. And when I read that I can be positive about the future. I know this pain is temporary. I know God has bigger plans. I am really excited to see what those plans are, but I'm not rushing to move on or find someone new. I know that God is going to do mighty things in my and my beautiful angel's life and I am excited to impact the world. God is faithful and perfect and He has been my Jehovah Jireh on so many occassions in my life. I have full faith that He will continue to be my rock and security and salvation. I think about my witness and I feel like I should be happy all the time because I have the hope in Christ and his glory is what really matters. I know that my life has meaning and purpose. I try my hardest to glorify God with my attitude, actions and thoughts. He is it. He is the I Am. He deserves all the praise and worship despite what is going on in my own little world.
God WILL get the victory. I will be happy again, but I have everlasting joy now and always. The joy that only Christ can bring. Joy that is permanent regardless of any circumstance. But happiness? That emotion only comes in spurts for me lately. But then I think of Job. He had EVERYTHING taken away from him. Pretty much all of Job 16 & 17 displays Job crying and weeping and hurting. He is "shriveled up" (vs 8) "broken" (vs 14), his "face is red with weeping" (vs 16) and he is "hopelss (vs 15). Oh how I have claimed these emotions as my own this week. I know it's not a comparison but it is such a relief to see those raw emotions displayed. Yesterday I vented and then felt SO guilty as if feeling these horrible emotions and pain and fear and desparity was taking away from the hope I have in Christ.
I was created human with a heart to love. And not just a regular heart that only loves some things or halfway. Love is not a hard emotion for me to come by. I love people I don't even know and genuinely FEEL their pain. Reading "Bringing Home the Browns", "Praying for the Nevils" and "Rockstar Ronan" has me in constant prayer and often times tears for these families. I don't know what it is like to have my spouse in a coma, or my child injured or taken away from me by cancer. But I feel that pain to the point of empathy. I feel that pain and thank God for what I have on a daily basis.
So I have asked myself this question so many times, why - a dangerous thing to ask, I know - WHY would God create me so sensitive and then have awful things happen? Why don't I have a relationship with my Dad, one I so desperately desire? Why didn't my mom get to go to my ultrasounds and meet my sweet little girl? Why did I end up as a single parent when this was one of the main things I was trying to avoid? Well, I really don't need to know why. At this point in my life I am past needing to know God's motives. Time and time again He has proven to me, even though he didn't have to, that he is good and perfect and faithful and omnipotent and merciful and righteous and protective and jealous and loving and everything that I need at any moment of my life. He is everything and in everything and everything that exists is because of and for him. Praise the Lord for that! He is sovereign and deserves all the praise and worship we can offer.
In continuing this thought, part of me says that God would receive an even greater glory becuase my complete abandonment to him in those areas of my deepest insecurity would be more genuine. But then, am I allowed to feel that pain that the horrible situations create? Am I allowed to cry out like Job? Satan tested Job and took away everything. Job cried out in agony and hurt and desperation but still remained faithful in his heart and mind that God is good. I mean, seriously, look at his heart being poured out here:
Job 16: 11-17
11 God gives me up to the ungodly
and casts me into the hands of the wicked.
12 I was at ease, and he broke me apart;
he seized me by the neck and dashed me to pieces;
he set me up as his target;
13 his archers surround me.
He slashes open my kidneys and does not spare;
he pours out my gall on the ground.
14 He breaks me with breach upon breach;
he runs upon me like a warrior.
15 I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin
and have laid my strength in the dust.
16 My face is red with weeping,
and on my eyelids is deep darkness,
17 although there is no violence in my hands,
and my prayer is pure
I completely identify with Job here. I have "laid my strength in the dust" so that Christ's strength is all I have. "My face is red with weeping", and in other words I look like a druggie most of the time, but I know that God is pure and has greater plans.
I have been devastated. But I think I'm allowed to be. I know who my God is. I know He gets the victory. I know that my whole world does not revolve around this heartache. This is merely one stepping stone toward being closer with God. I am strong in front of Ryot. I am strong at work. I am strong when I have to be. But I think in my quiet hours, my secret space, my alone time, I am allowed to hurt and feel and cry and be sad. No, my whole family wasn't taken from me, but it still sucks. SUCKS.
So what is the verdict of my thoughts and rants? I think I am allowed to feel. I think it is ok to be sad and hurt. I am not going to feel guilty for being honest with how I am doing. However, God has been, is and will always be forever worthy of praise, glory and complete abandonment of self. He is it, people. Choose him, choose God. Don't wait for something traumatice to happen that forces to you desperation. Don't wait. He loves you and is waiting for you to call out to him. He is the only thing that can make you happy. He is the ONLY reason that I can have hope after this kind of life-changing disappointment. I am not going to say that this doesn't hurt. It sucks so bad but I know this isn't going to last forever. So for now, I will feel. I will cry or scream if I feel like it. I will eat way too many oreos and watch movies and wear sweatpants all the time. I will cry out to God but I will do so laying all of my fears, worries and pain at His feet knowing what is truth.
This was not my fault.
I am cherished and loved.
I am chosen as a daughter of the Most High King.
I have a purpose.
I have an inheritance in heaven waiting for me.
God will be glorified.
And that is good enough for me. Actually that is WAY more than I deserve and I am so grateful.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Today sucks.
At work, I can put on this face and smile and carry on as if nothing is wrong. In front of Ryot I can be the most fun-loving, happy, dance party partner, puzzle genius, chef and cuddle buddy. But I see his picture, and I freeze. I think about the past and I don't know whether to smile or cry or both. I hear his voice and I just completely crumble.
This was not supposed to happen.
This was not the plan.
I didn't want this for Ryot.
I know the truth and the hope that I have in Christ and I am so grateful. I don't know how I would survive without His promises and comfort.
Please don't tell me there are other fish in the sea. There might be, but in my mind there aren't. I married him. I wanted him. He was the only one. forever. until death do us part. murder is unbiblical and illegal so he was it. There has never been another option in my mind. Sure there are guys that are good looking but I was off the market. They didn't even register as an option. And now I have to change that mindset? How am I supposed to just switch it off? I don't have the new age thoughts of being married until you are tired of it. I took my vows seriously and now they are nothing.
Yes, I have my beautiful perfect little girl out of it and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't regret the relationship or what it taught me. I'm just at a loss. Ya see, I'm a planner. I like to know what happens next. At work I have created order and protocols that have improved efficiency and morale. It flows easy. I know what to expect. There is a process and a reason for everything. When Ryot was a tiny tot I kept her on a strict schedule so that we both could have the stability and security for our day. But now I'm at a place where I have absolutely no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. And the thing is that I understand it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I'm guilty of planning my life and asking for God's blessing afterwards. I know that God has me exactly where he wants me. But right now this just sucks. I know in my head it is right and following God's plan and will for my life will produce far great results than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that. I know I will be in a better place soon.
But honestly, this sucks. It hurts. It is heart-wrenching, devastating, horrible, scary pain that doesn't just go away with a promise of "there are other fish in the sea". I don't want other fish. I wanted mine.
I'm sad. I'm functioning, but I'm sad. I can smile, but I hurt. I can laugh, but I'm broken.
This just plain freaking sucks.
This was not supposed to happen.
This was not the plan.
I didn't want this for Ryot.
I know the truth and the hope that I have in Christ and I am so grateful. I don't know how I would survive without His promises and comfort.
Please don't tell me there are other fish in the sea. There might be, but in my mind there aren't. I married him. I wanted him. He was the only one. forever. until death do us part. murder is unbiblical and illegal so he was it. There has never been another option in my mind. Sure there are guys that are good looking but I was off the market. They didn't even register as an option. And now I have to change that mindset? How am I supposed to just switch it off? I don't have the new age thoughts of being married until you are tired of it. I took my vows seriously and now they are nothing.
Yes, I have my beautiful perfect little girl out of it and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't regret the relationship or what it taught me. I'm just at a loss. Ya see, I'm a planner. I like to know what happens next. At work I have created order and protocols that have improved efficiency and morale. It flows easy. I know what to expect. There is a process and a reason for everything. When Ryot was a tiny tot I kept her on a strict schedule so that we both could have the stability and security for our day. But now I'm at a place where I have absolutely no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. And the thing is that I understand it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I'm guilty of planning my life and asking for God's blessing afterwards. I know that God has me exactly where he wants me. But right now this just sucks. I know in my head it is right and following God's plan and will for my life will produce far great results than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that. I know I will be in a better place soon.
But honestly, this sucks. It hurts. It is heart-wrenching, devastating, horrible, scary pain that doesn't just go away with a promise of "there are other fish in the sea". I don't want other fish. I wanted mine.
I'm sad. I'm functioning, but I'm sad. I can smile, but I hurt. I can laugh, but I'm broken.
This just plain freaking sucks.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Medley
You think I'm pretty without any make-up on. You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong. I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down.
The telephone is singing, ringing, It's too early don't pick it up. We don't need to we got everything we need right here and everything we need is enough. Just so easy, when the whole world fits inside of your arms, don't really need to pay attention to the alarm. Wake up slow, yeah, wake up slow.
I wanna love you, I want to love and treat you right; I wanna love you every day and every night: We'll be together, with a roof over our heads to share the shelter in a single bed; Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Wo-o-o-oah!
There is no combination of words I could put on the postcard and no song that I could sing, but I can try because this is your heart and this is our dreams and they are made out of real things. Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving. Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together.
When I said “I do”, I meant that I will ‘til the end of all time. Be faithful and true, devoted to you, that’s what I had in mind, when I said “I do”.
I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, and be amazed. I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough. Just want to be worthy of love and beautiful.
And now, I need to know is this real love, or is it just madness keeping us afloat? (Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad)
And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had, like some kind of madness was taking control. (Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad) Yeah
It's not a silly little moment. It's not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on. We're going down, and you can see it too. We're going down, and you know that we're doomed. My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.
Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy
you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
Ryot - I love you, little girl. You are my sweet miracle.
Hey, little girl, you might not know this song. This is not the kind of song that you can sing along to but hey, little girl, maybe someday at least that's what all the good people will say. Hey, little girl, look what you've done. You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own. You stole my heart and made it your own.
Although you see the world different than me. Sometimes I can touch upon the wonders that you see all the new colors and pictures you've designed. Oh yes, sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine. Child of mine, child of mine, oh yes, sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine.
The telephone is singing, ringing, It's too early don't pick it up. We don't need to we got everything we need right here and everything we need is enough. Just so easy, when the whole world fits inside of your arms, don't really need to pay attention to the alarm. Wake up slow, yeah, wake up slow.
I wanna love you, I want to love and treat you right; I wanna love you every day and every night: We'll be together, with a roof over our heads to share the shelter in a single bed; Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Is this love - is this love - is this love - Is this love that I'm feelin'? Wo-o-o-oah!
There is no combination of words I could put on the postcard and no song that I could sing, but I can try because this is your heart and this is our dreams and they are made out of real things. Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving. Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's so much better when we're together.
When I said “I do”, I meant that I will ‘til the end of all time. Be faithful and true, devoted to you, that’s what I had in mind, when I said “I do”.
I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart, and be amazed. I want to hear you say, who I am is quite enough. Just want to be worthy of love and beautiful.
And now, I need to know is this real love, or is it just madness keeping us afloat? (Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad)
And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had, like some kind of madness was taking control. (Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad) Yeah
It's not a silly little moment. It's not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on. We're going down, and you can see it too. We're going down, and you know that we're doomed. My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.
Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy
you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
Ryot - I love you, little girl. You are my sweet miracle.
Hey, little girl, you might not know this song. This is not the kind of song that you can sing along to but hey, little girl, maybe someday at least that's what all the good people will say. Hey, little girl, look what you've done. You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own. You stole my heart and made it your own.
Although you see the world different than me. Sometimes I can touch upon the wonders that you see all the new colors and pictures you've designed. Oh yes, sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine. Child of mine, child of mine, oh yes, sweet darling, so glad you are a child of mine.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Give me Your heart
Usually I have a bit of road rage.
This morning as I was driving, I decided that I would pray for the crazy people I was driving beside instead of letting myself get angry at their stupid decisions (i.e. swerving in my lane, going under the speed limit, slaming on brakes, texting, etc). I prayed that God would keep everyone safe on the slick roads, keep their families safe, help them as they go about their day to be happy and loving towards the people around them and then that God would reveal Himself to them today and show them His goodness and salvation. Suddenly it hit me, I started seeing these people as God sees them. Then Brandon Heath's song "Give me your eyes" came on KSBJ on my radio in which the chorus says:
"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see "
I wasn't seeing them as people who were getting in my way by driving too slow. I wasn't seeing them as rude people who were cutting me off or speeding dangerously too fast past me. I saw them as opportunities, as friends, as family, as people in need of love. I wondered how many people that I was driving beside were believers. I thought about someone on the other side of town maybe praying the same thing. Maybe they were driving next to my boss and prayed that someone would touch his life and show my boss Christ's love. But they don't know that I work there. They don't know that there is someone that my boss works with that loves Jesus. Maybe they were just praying in faith as they were driving that God was going to listen and answer and bring someone into my boss' life.
At this point in my conversation with Jesus, I kinda had a lightbulb moment. Praying for the lives of the people surrounding me that I didn't know led me to reevaluate how I was going to interact with my peers, boss, coworkers, family, etc. See, it doesn't matter if there was a person on the other side of town that prayed for my boss. It is my responsiblity and JOY to minister to the people around me and tell them of this precious gift that I have. This precious gift of salvation and joy that overcomes every kind of suffering or circumstance.
It is good to pray for the safety of the people driving beside you. But oh how great a joy is it to pray that we would have the heart of Jesus. "Give me your love for humanity."
How differently would I respond to situations on a daily basis if I really LOVED the people that I was interacting with just as Christ loves them?
Ouch. God is always faithful and I fall so short so often.
This morning as I was driving, I decided that I would pray for the crazy people I was driving beside instead of letting myself get angry at their stupid decisions (i.e. swerving in my lane, going under the speed limit, slaming on brakes, texting, etc). I prayed that God would keep everyone safe on the slick roads, keep their families safe, help them as they go about their day to be happy and loving towards the people around them and then that God would reveal Himself to them today and show them His goodness and salvation. Suddenly it hit me, I started seeing these people as God sees them. Then Brandon Heath's song "Give me your eyes" came on KSBJ on my radio in which the chorus says:
"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see "
I wasn't seeing them as people who were getting in my way by driving too slow. I wasn't seeing them as rude people who were cutting me off or speeding dangerously too fast past me. I saw them as opportunities, as friends, as family, as people in need of love. I wondered how many people that I was driving beside were believers. I thought about someone on the other side of town maybe praying the same thing. Maybe they were driving next to my boss and prayed that someone would touch his life and show my boss Christ's love. But they don't know that I work there. They don't know that there is someone that my boss works with that loves Jesus. Maybe they were just praying in faith as they were driving that God was going to listen and answer and bring someone into my boss' life.
At this point in my conversation with Jesus, I kinda had a lightbulb moment. Praying for the lives of the people surrounding me that I didn't know led me to reevaluate how I was going to interact with my peers, boss, coworkers, family, etc. See, it doesn't matter if there was a person on the other side of town that prayed for my boss. It is my responsiblity and JOY to minister to the people around me and tell them of this precious gift that I have. This precious gift of salvation and joy that overcomes every kind of suffering or circumstance.
It is good to pray for the safety of the people driving beside you. But oh how great a joy is it to pray that we would have the heart of Jesus. "Give me your love for humanity."
How differently would I respond to situations on a daily basis if I really LOVED the people that I was interacting with just as Christ loves them?
Ouch. God is always faithful and I fall so short so often.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
150 Days to a Healthier, Happier Me
150 days.
There are 150 days until June 1st, 2013. Just 5 days before Ryot's birthday. What could I do in 150 days? Think about it.
150 focused determined days of becoming a better me.
150 days to actually be fine with getting my picture taken.
150 days to be happier with how I look.
150 days to feel comfortable in my skin again.
150 days to have something to be really proud of.
150 days to shed this baby weight that I have not had on me for 18 months.
150 days isn't a lot in the scheme of life.
I can't go to the gym. I can't afford special shake mixes or weight loss pills or exercise equipment. But I do have will, determination and my own body weight as resistence. I have a couple hours that normal people are awake at night after Ryot goes to bed. I say normal people because I would go to sleep when Ryot does every night if I didn't feel so lame. But I can stay awake. I can do it. I have room in my living room to work out. I have no excuses...except work out clothes. That I'm seriously lacking. But I will make it work. I already changed my diet to work with my lack of gallbladder, so now I just need to stick to it more closely and work out.
Day 1. Starts now.
There are 150 days until June 1st, 2013. Just 5 days before Ryot's birthday. What could I do in 150 days? Think about it.
150 focused determined days of becoming a better me.
150 days to actually be fine with getting my picture taken.
150 days to be happier with how I look.
150 days to feel comfortable in my skin again.
150 days to have something to be really proud of.
150 days to shed this baby weight that I have not had on me for 18 months.
150 days isn't a lot in the scheme of life.
I can't go to the gym. I can't afford special shake mixes or weight loss pills or exercise equipment. But I do have will, determination and my own body weight as resistence. I have a couple hours that normal people are awake at night after Ryot goes to bed. I say normal people because I would go to sleep when Ryot does every night if I didn't feel so lame. But I can stay awake. I can do it. I have room in my living room to work out. I have no excuses...except work out clothes. That I'm seriously lacking. But I will make it work. I already changed my diet to work with my lack of gallbladder, so now I just need to stick to it more closely and work out.
Day 1. Starts now.
Present to me, from me. Happy New Year's!
I don't usually buy things for me. When I do, I have penny-pinched money or I have used gift cards. I don't like spending money in general. But as a way of saying "Happy New Year's" to me, I bought myself a little present.
A Coffee Pot!
I love coffee and without gift cards, Starbucks and Dunns Bros. just gets too expensive. So I bought myself a cheap but good coffee pot that looks quite perfect in my kitchen if I may say so myself. Now, I have more motivation for my feet to hit the cold floor in the morning because I am going to start my coffee pot. I can hear the gurgling of the water warming up and I can smell the sweet aroma dancing its way towards me.
"The best thing about waking up, is Folger's in your cup!"
Ok, not the best thing about waking up, but it's definitely placed high on the list. Oh! And wanna hear the best thing about the whole experience? I thought that Folger's Black Silk was only in the Kuerig K-cups. But no, no, no! They have Black Silk in a regular tub just for me! So this morning, I started my Black Silk brewing, added a little sugar and some Irish Almond Cream and it was just perfection in a warm delicious cup.
I think 2013 started off just fine and dandy for me.
A Coffee Pot!
I love coffee and without gift cards, Starbucks and Dunns Bros. just gets too expensive. So I bought myself a cheap but good coffee pot that looks quite perfect in my kitchen if I may say so myself. Now, I have more motivation for my feet to hit the cold floor in the morning because I am going to start my coffee pot. I can hear the gurgling of the water warming up and I can smell the sweet aroma dancing its way towards me.
"The best thing about waking up, is Folger's in your cup!"
Ok, not the best thing about waking up, but it's definitely placed high on the list. Oh! And wanna hear the best thing about the whole experience? I thought that Folger's Black Silk was only in the Kuerig K-cups. But no, no, no! They have Black Silk in a regular tub just for me! So this morning, I started my Black Silk brewing, added a little sugar and some Irish Almond Cream and it was just perfection in a warm delicious cup.
I think 2013 started off just fine and dandy for me.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Burnt-out syndrome?
These exerpts taken from an article called "The Burnt-out generation" by Tanith Carey.
With one in ten women working more than 45 hours a week, it’s no surprise that many are teetering on the brink when it comes to their physical and mental health. And it’s not just perfectionists and workaholics who tip over the edge, according to Dr Joan Borysenko, author of a new book examining this phenomenon. In fact, it’s an issue that’s becoming increasingly problematic now that redundancies have left the remaining staff to cope with impossible workloads, too afraid to object for fear they’ll be next in the firing line.
Dr Borysenko believes women suffer so severely because they are more likely than men to be people-pleasers who ignore their own needs. Trapped in a cycle of trying to do their best, but not realising the toll it’s taking on them, they end up in a cycle of despair.
In a recent survey of 2,000 people, it was revealed that as many as one in three women has taken anti-depressants. Eighteen per cent of them did not tell their family they were taking medication, and one in ten did not even confide in her partner. Crucially, even though the symptoms of burn-out can resemble depression, medication won’t cure it, according to Dr Borysenko. Instead, people need to spot the warning signs and make fundamental changes to their lifestyles. ‘Productivity rises with stress, but only to a certain point,’ she says. ‘When you’re stressed, you chase the same old carrot, whatever that might be for you. After that, you find yourself in the land of diminishing returns. You’re working harder, but getting less quality work done. That’s when burn-out sets in.’
Dr Borysenko spent ten years trying to juggle academic research, raise two children and write books. She realised something was wrong when she felt numb even during the most joyous moments. She is worried about the toll on mothers trying to do it all, especially now that a job is no longer a matter of choice for many, but is instead essential to keeping the family finances afloat. With fewer support networks and husbands unable to help because they are also victims of the long-hours culture, the burden of holding down a job and bringing up children can become intolerable. ‘Women are good at multi-tasking, but when you’re a working mother there are just too many tasks,’ says Dr Borysenko. ‘Wherever you are, you think you’re in the wrong place.’
For this reason, she says women have to give themselves permission to be brutal about cutting out the many time-drains — such as unsolicited emails — in their lives in order to survive. Women need to create a sliding scale in their head. At one end, the number one means: “I’m feeling really good.” Ten is: “I’m feeling burnt out.”
‘Keep making a mark between those two points to work out where you stand. If it gets to eight and you’re feel you can’t stand it any more, it’s time to take urgent action to relieve the situation.’ Everyone’s tolerance level varies, so each of us needs to learn to identify what helps. ‘Often, it can be something as simple as giving ourselves the time to look after ourselves, such as getting a massage or having uninterrupted time alone when no one asks us to do anything for them,’ says Dr Borysenko. Letting off steam with female friends is also important. 'The women I consulted for the book say how helpful it is for them to be able to confide in a female friend. Partners will often try to fix your life, but women don’t necessarily want that. They just want to be able to share and confide.’
Sam Willoughby, from Hampshire, decided she needed help 18 months ago. She hit rock bottom when she felt she would have to close down her successful internet business, the parenting advice website What’s On 4. ‘Women have to make time for themselves, just like a Formula One driver has to make a pit stop, otherwise the tyres burst’. ‘I’d fallen into a pattern where I felt I was working like a dog and wasn’t getting anywhere. I’d put on three stone because I never allowed myself time to exercise,’ she says. ‘I wasn’t recognising what I’d achieved. Every day felt like Groundhog Day, another battle to try to do everything on my list.
‘I didn’t feel I was a good mother, a good businesswoman or a good wife. I felt I was failing on all fronts.'
Ok, so my thoughts....
Burnt-out syndrome? I don't know if I would take it as far to label it an illness or syndrome. But I do understand the feeling.
I like working. I have worked since I was 14. I was babysitting for familes in my church from 12 yrs old. I like the intellectual stimulation. I enjoy deadlines, structure, business, organization, office comradery and the challenge. And honestly, I need the money. That's where it gets stressful.
I love being a wife. I loved Vegas when things were good. I loved having the house presentable, the baby happy and dinner ready or cooking when Brian walked in the door from work. It didn't happen like that everytime, but thats what I strived for. I enjoy the conversation, love, help and committment from a partner. And honestly, I was designed by God to be loved. That's where it gets stressful.
I love being a mom. Being a mom is the one thing in life that my heart yearned for as far as "growing up". I loved every moment of pregnancy even though I was sick. Even though I was tired and fat and had no idea what I was doing, I loved those sleepless nigths. I love every second I get to see her face, hear her laugh, feel her love when she chooses to show affection, and watch her grow and learn about life. I love that I have been entrusted to be her mommy and to help shepherd her heart towards God and the true joy found in Him. That's where it gets stressful.
I don't know everything about the working world. I get turned away every other interview because of my age alone. I don't have the cutest, work savvy business clothes. I probably couldn't fit in them and look good even if I did have some. I am in no way shape or form the best wife. I saw a welcome sign the other day that said "Welcome to my loose interpretation of clean." I seriously need that for my door! My house is clean but it's often messy. Because after I get home from work, I'm exhausted. And then how do I choose between doing dishes, or reading books and doing puzzles with Ryot. I don't. I do the puzzles, and have the dance parties and cuddle moments with Ryot because she is more important than a spotless home. But then when I first walk in the door, it makes me anxious to see stuff just lying around and not put away in it's proper place. And then there is the morning routine. What am I saying? There is NO routine! This morning went rather smoothly but yesterday was ridiculous! I tried on probably 17 different outfits and NONE of them worked. Well, some of them probably worked but it didn't look right to me in the mirror. I could see this problem area, or that bunching there or just the whole collaboration was a joke. I'm not a fashionista. So because I was in a hurry to get to work and Ryot wasn't awake yet, I'm trying to find clothes to wear in my closet in Ryot's room in the dark. Trying to be quiet while she is sleeping. Trying to find an outfit that I don't look ridiculous in. Throwing the clothes on the floor because I couldn't see in the dark to put them away. But then there are clothes on the floor and that's just one more thing that I have to do when I get home on top of the dishes in the sink from last night because right when I was going to put them away Ryot woke up and started coughing and crying. So now, I can't find anything to wear, I have dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, the bed isn't made, Ryot needs a bath but we don't have time because I'm running late to work. I wanted to be on time.
I wanted to have a clean home.
I wanted an hour of quiet time with my Bible and the Lord.
I wanted quality time with Ryot.
I wanted breakfast.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This looks NOTHING like the proverbial wife should look in Proverbs 31.
And this is the point where I feel like I fail on every front. I guess this is my form of "burnt-out syndrome" otherwise known as "not relying on the Lord syndrome" accompanied with "not getting validation from the Lord syndrome", "oh so very lonely syndrome" and admittedly a lot of "being WAY too hard on myself syndrome".
I don't want to be alone or sleep alone. I don't want to stay in Texas. I want my family to be together. I want to be desired and loved. I want my marriage to be happy and perfect. I want to have never known the hurt and heartbreak of 2012.
But if I didn't know the hurt and heartbreak of 2012 I wouldn't have known the magnitude of the faithfulness and steadfast love and comfort that only God can provide.
I know God's plan is perfect. I know I have to trust in Him. I'm just struggling today...well really, this week, well really with Christmas. What, am I going to sing "baby, it's cold outside" to myself? And cuddle with pillows by the Christmas tree? Errrrr
God is faithful and gracious when I don't deserve it.
I don't understand why things are the way they are right now. And honestly, I don't like it. It hurts. It's not fun. It's stressful. But life is not about me.
Ok, my venting is over for today. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that He is worthy of the glory even when my feelings contradict what I know to be truth. And that is what I will TRY to rest in today.
With one in ten women working more than 45 hours a week, it’s no surprise that many are teetering on the brink when it comes to their physical and mental health. And it’s not just perfectionists and workaholics who tip over the edge, according to Dr Joan Borysenko, author of a new book examining this phenomenon. In fact, it’s an issue that’s becoming increasingly problematic now that redundancies have left the remaining staff to cope with impossible workloads, too afraid to object for fear they’ll be next in the firing line.
Dr Borysenko believes women suffer so severely because they are more likely than men to be people-pleasers who ignore their own needs. Trapped in a cycle of trying to do their best, but not realising the toll it’s taking on them, they end up in a cycle of despair.
In a recent survey of 2,000 people, it was revealed that as many as one in three women has taken anti-depressants. Eighteen per cent of them did not tell their family they were taking medication, and one in ten did not even confide in her partner. Crucially, even though the symptoms of burn-out can resemble depression, medication won’t cure it, according to Dr Borysenko. Instead, people need to spot the warning signs and make fundamental changes to their lifestyles. ‘Productivity rises with stress, but only to a certain point,’ she says. ‘When you’re stressed, you chase the same old carrot, whatever that might be for you. After that, you find yourself in the land of diminishing returns. You’re working harder, but getting less quality work done. That’s when burn-out sets in.’
Dr Borysenko spent ten years trying to juggle academic research, raise two children and write books. She realised something was wrong when she felt numb even during the most joyous moments. She is worried about the toll on mothers trying to do it all, especially now that a job is no longer a matter of choice for many, but is instead essential to keeping the family finances afloat. With fewer support networks and husbands unable to help because they are also victims of the long-hours culture, the burden of holding down a job and bringing up children can become intolerable. ‘Women are good at multi-tasking, but when you’re a working mother there are just too many tasks,’ says Dr Borysenko. ‘Wherever you are, you think you’re in the wrong place.’
For this reason, she says women have to give themselves permission to be brutal about cutting out the many time-drains — such as unsolicited emails — in their lives in order to survive. Women need to create a sliding scale in their head. At one end, the number one means: “I’m feeling really good.” Ten is: “I’m feeling burnt out.”
‘Keep making a mark between those two points to work out where you stand. If it gets to eight and you’re feel you can’t stand it any more, it’s time to take urgent action to relieve the situation.’ Everyone’s tolerance level varies, so each of us needs to learn to identify what helps. ‘Often, it can be something as simple as giving ourselves the time to look after ourselves, such as getting a massage or having uninterrupted time alone when no one asks us to do anything for them,’ says Dr Borysenko. Letting off steam with female friends is also important. 'The women I consulted for the book say how helpful it is for them to be able to confide in a female friend. Partners will often try to fix your life, but women don’t necessarily want that. They just want to be able to share and confide.’
Sam Willoughby, from Hampshire, decided she needed help 18 months ago. She hit rock bottom when she felt she would have to close down her successful internet business, the parenting advice website What’s On 4. ‘Women have to make time for themselves, just like a Formula One driver has to make a pit stop, otherwise the tyres burst’. ‘I’d fallen into a pattern where I felt I was working like a dog and wasn’t getting anywhere. I’d put on three stone because I never allowed myself time to exercise,’ she says. ‘I wasn’t recognising what I’d achieved. Every day felt like Groundhog Day, another battle to try to do everything on my list.
‘I didn’t feel I was a good mother, a good businesswoman or a good wife. I felt I was failing on all fronts.'
Ok, so my thoughts....
Burnt-out syndrome? I don't know if I would take it as far to label it an illness or syndrome. But I do understand the feeling.
I like working. I have worked since I was 14. I was babysitting for familes in my church from 12 yrs old. I like the intellectual stimulation. I enjoy deadlines, structure, business, organization, office comradery and the challenge. And honestly, I need the money. That's where it gets stressful.
I love being a wife. I loved Vegas when things were good. I loved having the house presentable, the baby happy and dinner ready or cooking when Brian walked in the door from work. It didn't happen like that everytime, but thats what I strived for. I enjoy the conversation, love, help and committment from a partner. And honestly, I was designed by God to be loved. That's where it gets stressful.
I love being a mom. Being a mom is the one thing in life that my heart yearned for as far as "growing up". I loved every moment of pregnancy even though I was sick. Even though I was tired and fat and had no idea what I was doing, I loved those sleepless nigths. I love every second I get to see her face, hear her laugh, feel her love when she chooses to show affection, and watch her grow and learn about life. I love that I have been entrusted to be her mommy and to help shepherd her heart towards God and the true joy found in Him. That's where it gets stressful.
I don't know everything about the working world. I get turned away every other interview because of my age alone. I don't have the cutest, work savvy business clothes. I probably couldn't fit in them and look good even if I did have some. I am in no way shape or form the best wife. I saw a welcome sign the other day that said "Welcome to my loose interpretation of clean." I seriously need that for my door! My house is clean but it's often messy. Because after I get home from work, I'm exhausted. And then how do I choose between doing dishes, or reading books and doing puzzles with Ryot. I don't. I do the puzzles, and have the dance parties and cuddle moments with Ryot because she is more important than a spotless home. But then when I first walk in the door, it makes me anxious to see stuff just lying around and not put away in it's proper place. And then there is the morning routine. What am I saying? There is NO routine! This morning went rather smoothly but yesterday was ridiculous! I tried on probably 17 different outfits and NONE of them worked. Well, some of them probably worked but it didn't look right to me in the mirror. I could see this problem area, or that bunching there or just the whole collaboration was a joke. I'm not a fashionista. So because I was in a hurry to get to work and Ryot wasn't awake yet, I'm trying to find clothes to wear in my closet in Ryot's room in the dark. Trying to be quiet while she is sleeping. Trying to find an outfit that I don't look ridiculous in. Throwing the clothes on the floor because I couldn't see in the dark to put them away. But then there are clothes on the floor and that's just one more thing that I have to do when I get home on top of the dishes in the sink from last night because right when I was going to put them away Ryot woke up and started coughing and crying. So now, I can't find anything to wear, I have dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, the bed isn't made, Ryot needs a bath but we don't have time because I'm running late to work. I wanted to be on time.
I wanted to have a clean home.
I wanted an hour of quiet time with my Bible and the Lord.
I wanted quality time with Ryot.
I wanted breakfast.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This looks NOTHING like the proverbial wife should look in Proverbs 31.
And this is the point where I feel like I fail on every front. I guess this is my form of "burnt-out syndrome" otherwise known as "not relying on the Lord syndrome" accompanied with "not getting validation from the Lord syndrome", "oh so very lonely syndrome" and admittedly a lot of "being WAY too hard on myself syndrome".
I don't want to be alone or sleep alone. I don't want to stay in Texas. I want my family to be together. I want to be desired and loved. I want my marriage to be happy and perfect. I want to have never known the hurt and heartbreak of 2012.
But if I didn't know the hurt and heartbreak of 2012 I wouldn't have known the magnitude of the faithfulness and steadfast love and comfort that only God can provide.
I know God's plan is perfect. I know I have to trust in Him. I'm just struggling today...well really, this week, well really with Christmas. What, am I going to sing "baby, it's cold outside" to myself? And cuddle with pillows by the Christmas tree? Errrrr
God is faithful and gracious when I don't deserve it.
I don't understand why things are the way they are right now. And honestly, I don't like it. It hurts. It's not fun. It's stressful. But life is not about me.
Ok, my venting is over for today. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that He is worthy of the glory even when my feelings contradict what I know to be truth. And that is what I will TRY to rest in today.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
In Limbo
I dont know how to say what I want to say or what I need to say. I do know that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.
As of right now, Ryot and I will not be moving to Colorado. We will be Texas residents for at least a little while longer. There are many factors that have gone into this decision. Some I agree with and some that I don't. I don't understand why certain things happen but for now I guess I don't have to. Right now I am trying my hardest to submit to my husband and honor the Lord.
I need to find my validation in the character of God. I need to be completely satisfied with His presence and trust that His will is perfect.
There are pro's to both going to Colorado and staying in Texas. And that is what I am choosing to look at.
For whoever is reading this, if you can just pray that God will lead Brian and my heart in His direction and will. My sole desire is to glorify God by being obedient to His word and will.
I can't sit here and lie and say that my heart isn't breaking to be in Colorado with my husband. But this, I guess, is where God has me right now. I don't know how we are going to make it work but we just have to. I am choosing to trust in God.
As of right now, Ryot and I will not be moving to Colorado. We will be Texas residents for at least a little while longer. There are many factors that have gone into this decision. Some I agree with and some that I don't. I don't understand why certain things happen but for now I guess I don't have to. Right now I am trying my hardest to submit to my husband and honor the Lord.
I need to find my validation in the character of God. I need to be completely satisfied with His presence and trust that His will is perfect.
There are pro's to both going to Colorado and staying in Texas. And that is what I am choosing to look at.
For whoever is reading this, if you can just pray that God will lead Brian and my heart in His direction and will. My sole desire is to glorify God by being obedient to His word and will.
I can't sit here and lie and say that my heart isn't breaking to be in Colorado with my husband. But this, I guess, is where God has me right now. I don't know how we are going to make it work but we just have to. I am choosing to trust in God.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
In a Funk
I don't like this one bit. I don't like having a long-distance relationship. This is exactly why I always said that I didn't want to marry a military man, because I didn't want to be alone for so long. I hate this. I can't sleep. I don't really eat. And I just want to be there in Colorado. I want my family back together. Brian, Izzy, Vini, Ryot, we ALL need to be back together.
This whole year has been crazy. Horrible pain in the Spring, but God was faithful. Happiness, intimidation and complete abandonement of all of my "reasoning" in the Summer, but God was faithful. Now another absence accompanied with a little (or a lot) of insecurity, financial trouble and lack of communication in the Fall/Winter, but God is still faithful.
So God has me exactly where He wants me.
I know that.
But right now, if I'm honest - which I am - I would have to say, I DONT LIKE IT.
To explain more of my heart...
I love that God is speaking to me in a way that I have never experienced before. I can clearly feel His presence and prompting in my life.
I am so incredibly thankful to God for His provision.
I can only praise and worship Him for His goodness to me.
I know that God has me exactly where He wants me. In a place where I HAVE to depend on him because I don't like my exterior circumstances.
I just miss my husband. I miss my family. I don't like being alone. Or sleeping alone.
"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations" Deuteronomy 7:9
God is faithful and I am forever grateful for His sovereign provision in my life.
This whole year has been crazy. Horrible pain in the Spring, but God was faithful. Happiness, intimidation and complete abandonement of all of my "reasoning" in the Summer, but God was faithful. Now another absence accompanied with a little (or a lot) of insecurity, financial trouble and lack of communication in the Fall/Winter, but God is still faithful.
So God has me exactly where He wants me.
I know that.
But right now, if I'm honest - which I am - I would have to say, I DONT LIKE IT.
To explain more of my heart...
I love that God is speaking to me in a way that I have never experienced before. I can clearly feel His presence and prompting in my life.
I am so incredibly thankful to God for His provision.
I can only praise and worship Him for His goodness to me.
I know that God has me exactly where He wants me. In a place where I HAVE to depend on him because I don't like my exterior circumstances.
I just miss my husband. I miss my family. I don't like being alone. Or sleeping alone.
"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations" Deuteronomy 7:9
God is faithful and I am forever grateful for His sovereign provision in my life.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Oh, Saturday.
Altogether Saturday was an interesting day. My foot hurts, my mouth hurts and my phone is stolen. awesome. So at the end of Saturday I decided I would read the Bible to get some encouragement from the Lord. I didn't pray before I opened my Bible. I didn't ask God to lead me to the verses that would speak his heart to mine. I just opened my Bible...to Psalms of course. That is the encouraging book, right? That is the book that I read about His mercy never failing and how He leads me by the still waters and restores my soul, right? Then I read Psalm 51. The first 7 verses are David crying out to God for forgiveness and mercy. Then I got to verse 8 "Let me hear joy and gladness; Let the bones you have broken rejoice."
Honestly, I have to kinda laugh when I look at it now. God gives me exactly what I need when I need it EVERY TIME when I am sincerely seeking him. Saturday could have been a perfect day. I could have gotten to sleep in, not stepped on the belt buckle, not been headbutt in the face by my 1 1/2 yr old and not had my phone stolen...but then I wouldn't have been lead to say 'Let me hear joy and gladness; Let the bones you have broken rejoice.'
I will rejoice because God is good. All the time. Standing in the store, I heard Him speaking to my heart, "How are you going to respond, Kayla? What image are you going to give them of me? Is your attitude reflecting my glory?" And THIS is why I can rejoice, because even in the midst of less than happy occurrences, I can hear His voice guiding and encouraging me. And I will rejoice that His Spirit lives in me!
Honestly, I have to kinda laugh when I look at it now. God gives me exactly what I need when I need it EVERY TIME when I am sincerely seeking him. Saturday could have been a perfect day. I could have gotten to sleep in, not stepped on the belt buckle, not been headbutt in the face by my 1 1/2 yr old and not had my phone stolen...but then I wouldn't have been lead to say 'Let me hear joy and gladness; Let the bones you have broken rejoice.'
I will rejoice because God is good. All the time. Standing in the store, I heard Him speaking to my heart, "How are you going to respond, Kayla? What image are you going to give them of me? Is your attitude reflecting my glory?" And THIS is why I can rejoice, because even in the midst of less than happy occurrences, I can hear His voice guiding and encouraging me. And I will rejoice that His Spirit lives in me!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Dry Spells?
Thankful November Day 27: God's faithfulness
I have had some things on my mind and since I needed a Day 27 thankful post, I figured this was the perfect time to write about it. And boy am I really thankful for God's faithfulness. As I look through my life I can see the thread of His presence. I can see His hand working in the people, places and experiences that I sometimes did not agree with. It helps to look back at the past to help me buffer the present circumstances. I can have an experience I didn't like but remember how God has brought me through other obstacles and then just like that I have a positive outlook on an otherwise bleek situation.
I have been listening to Shane and Shane non-stop. Like seriously, on repeat constantly in my car. Shane and Shane = God's gift of talent and pure God-fearing hearts. One of their songs "Praise Him" has good lyrics and of course in true Shane and Shane style, good harmonies. This morning I was hormonizing my little heart out and then the Holy spirit moved me to soften my voice and listen. And I heard these lyrics:
"Everyone who's on a mountain
Everyone in the driest place
Praise Him, Praise Him"
I had to be silent and just let those words sink in. It is easy to forget to thank God when we are on the mountain top and everything is going good. It is easy to continue with life and get wrapped up in the children, husband, animals, work, responsibilities, etc. and forget that God is the one blessing us with all of this and He deserves our praise. Plus, how much more happy can you be when you are at the feet of God praising Him? I have found nothing that compares. But it's the second line that I kinda got stuck on. "Everyone in the driest place." I can remember just a few days ago for a split second wondering if my prayers were just hitting the ceiling or if God was really listening. Sometimes I feel like I'm just talking to myself. Sometimes I long so much for communion with God but I open my Bible and I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I feel like I am just in a dry place where no one can hear me. Sometimes I sit and wait for Him to talk but I allow the world to close in and give me directives. Sometimes I listen and I don't hear anything at all. Sometimes I feel that I love God so much but I don't know how to show it or I can't feel/receive love from Him.
As I was contemplating these thoughts and struggles, I thought about Gary Chapman and his book, The Five Love Languages. I know for a fact that my primary love language is touch. My "love meter" goes up more when I am in a huge embrace from my Granny than when she tells me that she loves me or that I'm beautiful. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE hearing that too and I think it is necessary in a good relationship for all of the love languages to be present, but I know that what really gets to my core is touch. So my question...how does that work with my relationship with God?
During the marriage conference by Dr. Chapman that I attended a couple weeks ago, he said that he has been studying this very thing. I imagine that is what stirred up these thoughts to begin with. He said that statistically those people who's love language is Quality Time received salvation when they were alone and praying to God. He said that often times people who's love language is Physical Touch will explain their conversion story as one with weeping and some say they felt shivers all over their body or some other physical connection. I can remember weeping and I can remember a distinct feeling coming over me that a boulder had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was very real and very much God's arms over me. With that being said, I can't help but wonder how this ties in. Do I sometimes feel this disconnect because I can't get a physical connection?
*Disclaimer: I am in NO way making excuses for these "dry spell" experiences. I believe that what the Bible says is true and states:
Psalm 33:4 "For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does."
Psalm 139:7-10 "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast"
I know that God is always present and desires to have a relationship with His children. But I promised to be transparent so that's what I am trying to do with expressing how I feel.*
Usually by the time I gather my thoughts I have done some sort of research or have some sort of answer, but this time I guess I'm just trying to not lose this lead. This lead of growing a closer, deeper relationship with my Abba. I want to commune with Him. I want my approach to His presence to be pleasing to Him. I want to feel His love and give Him love in return without any doubts or second thoughts ever. I love the Lord. I am so thankful for His presence in my life. I am so thankful for the blessings He has poured out on my life. I am awed by His glory and the incredible sacrifice that He made for me. For me. As Jason says, I AM the worst sinner I know. But Jesus, perfect as He is, took the blame for me and my sins. Of course I want to show Him love. He has ALWAYS been faithful. But I feel like I fall so short of giving Him the praise, honor, glory and love that He deserves.
So my question remains the same...and before I ask it again I will say, I know God loves me. I know the truth in the Bible and I do feel His presence. But I'm just thinking that maybe someone with the Quality Time love language would feel God's love more. Or someone with the love language of Words of Affirmation...I mean, goodness! They have it made! The Bible is FULL of love letters to God and from God to US! Am I just overanalyzing this? Does any of this even make sense?
I'm not sure yet, but I am excited to find out. It's just another quest in seeking and loving the Lord. It can only end in goodness. :)
God is good. God is faithful. God is perfect. God is loving.
Despite my circumstances. God is love. Pure, sacrificial, agape love.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thankful November Days 24-26: Transportation, Mail, Christmas
Thankful November Day 24: Transportation
I'm glad I don't have to walk everywhere. I really do like walking and I think that America would be less obese without so many ways to be lazy, but it is nice to not have to ride a horse across country for months and months. I can get to Colorado in a couple hours. I can drive from Pearland to Kemah in just 45 minutes instead of having to walk for hours to get here. I am so thankful for my car with A/C and music to help pass the drive time. I am so thankful for boats to go skiing, tubing and pontooning (floatin in slow motion) and fishing. I mean, I have only been fishing a handful of times and don't really consider it a hobby but I can if I want to. I'm just REALLY REALLY thankful for my car, honestly.
Day 25: Mail
Here's the mail, it never fails.
It makes me want to wag my tail.
When it comes I want to wail - Mail!
Oh, Blues Clues...
I love getting mail. I love getting packages in the mail...for me or Ryot, I don't care. I don't even care if its junk mail. I just like opening the mail box and seeing that I have stuff to look through. I think it's the fact that it is something new in my repititive day to day activities. Of course I like getting personalized mail, but anything in that little metal slot with my name on it is fantastic.
Day 26: Christmas
I love Christmas. I love the lights, the trees, the Christmas carols, the colors, the sparkles, the cheer, the gratitude, the elfs, the reindeers, the snowmen, the jingle bells, the hot chocolate, the fireplace fires, the warm blankets, the cuddling, the misteltoe, the get togethers, the presents, the festive treats, the traditions, the smiles, the cold weather, the different smells, and so so so much more.
My FAVORITE thing about Christmas is that Jesus was born. This is not "Xmas" and I do not say Happy Holidays. It is the day that Jesus was born into the world. A great King introduced to us in a manger.
I won't really expound on this because I'm sure December will be full of Christmas rants and raves. But I am SO thankful for Christmas!
I'm glad I don't have to walk everywhere. I really do like walking and I think that America would be less obese without so many ways to be lazy, but it is nice to not have to ride a horse across country for months and months. I can get to Colorado in a couple hours. I can drive from Pearland to Kemah in just 45 minutes instead of having to walk for hours to get here. I am so thankful for my car with A/C and music to help pass the drive time. I am so thankful for boats to go skiing, tubing and pontooning (floatin in slow motion) and fishing. I mean, I have only been fishing a handful of times and don't really consider it a hobby but I can if I want to. I'm just REALLY REALLY thankful for my car, honestly.
Day 25: Mail
Here's the mail, it never fails.
It makes me want to wag my tail.
When it comes I want to wail - Mail!
Oh, Blues Clues...
I love getting mail. I love getting packages in the mail...for me or Ryot, I don't care. I don't even care if its junk mail. I just like opening the mail box and seeing that I have stuff to look through. I think it's the fact that it is something new in my repititive day to day activities. Of course I like getting personalized mail, but anything in that little metal slot with my name on it is fantastic.
Day 26: Christmas
I love Christmas. I love the lights, the trees, the Christmas carols, the colors, the sparkles, the cheer, the gratitude, the elfs, the reindeers, the snowmen, the jingle bells, the hot chocolate, the fireplace fires, the warm blankets, the cuddling, the misteltoe, the get togethers, the presents, the festive treats, the traditions, the smiles, the cold weather, the different smells, and so so so much more.
My FAVORITE thing about Christmas is that Jesus was born. This is not "Xmas" and I do not say Happy Holidays. It is the day that Jesus was born into the world. A great King introduced to us in a manger.
I won't really expound on this because I'm sure December will be full of Christmas rants and raves. But I am SO thankful for Christmas!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thankful November Days 22-23: good company and sleep
Thankful November Day 22: Good company
I am so thankful for good friends and company to surround myself with. I had a blast at Chtistelle's house with friends and family. I even got to talk to Granny for a little bit until Ryot's decided to face plant into the kitchen tile. Poor baby. It was nice to talk about football and family and just relax. I don't get to do that often so it was a lot of fun. I even went into a football bet which was a lot of fun. Las Vegas taught me that football is even more fun to watch when you are invested in the game. I was in the final three on the list which was fun for me. Ryot was being so goo and everyone was kind to her even when she was getting in the way. It was great to be able to relax an enjoy the day.
Day 23: sleep
I have never been a night person. When I was in middle school, I used to come home sick from sleepovers because I wouldn't get enough sleep. In high school when I would hang out with friends sometimes the reason I would miss curfew was that I fell asleep at Vanessa or Shay's house. I'm just not good at the late night hours. I think I actually have some sort of chemical imbalance or something because I couldn't stay awake all night even If I tried. One of my favorite times in the day is getting in my pjs and curling up in bed on my hubby's chest. The only problem is I wake up usually between 3-5 times a night. Last night I fell asleep at 930pm and I woke up at 1030, 1215, 350 and 630. Didn't have to pee, just woke up. Fun huh? So I am very thankful for the times I do get to sleep. I'm thankful for sweet rest. :) now, who wants some coffee?
I am so thankful for good friends and company to surround myself with. I had a blast at Chtistelle's house with friends and family. I even got to talk to Granny for a little bit until Ryot's decided to face plant into the kitchen tile. Poor baby. It was nice to talk about football and family and just relax. I don't get to do that often so it was a lot of fun. I even went into a football bet which was a lot of fun. Las Vegas taught me that football is even more fun to watch when you are invested in the game. I was in the final three on the list which was fun for me. Ryot was being so goo and everyone was kind to her even when she was getting in the way. It was great to be able to relax an enjoy the day.
Day 23: sleep
I have never been a night person. When I was in middle school, I used to come home sick from sleepovers because I wouldn't get enough sleep. In high school when I would hang out with friends sometimes the reason I would miss curfew was that I fell asleep at Vanessa or Shay's house. I'm just not good at the late night hours. I think I actually have some sort of chemical imbalance or something because I couldn't stay awake all night even If I tried. One of my favorite times in the day is getting in my pjs and curling up in bed on my hubby's chest. The only problem is I wake up usually between 3-5 times a night. Last night I fell asleep at 930pm and I woke up at 1030, 1215, 350 and 630. Didn't have to pee, just woke up. Fun huh? So I am very thankful for the times I do get to sleep. I'm thankful for sweet rest. :) now, who wants some coffee?
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thankful November Days 19-21: My Bible Sundays and Mystery of God's Will
Thankful November Day 19- My Bible
I believe that the Bible is God's word. I believe that everything in the Bible is true. I believe that there is nothing in the Bible that contradicts itself. I believe that even though I don't understand all of it, God's plan is woven through every passage. Since I believe all of this, how can I not be thankful? I have the very words of the Almighty God in my grasp. So so thankful for this precious gift.
Day 20- Sundays
I am really thankful for Sundays. I look forward to going to church to praise God, read in the Bible and fellowship with other believers. It so uplifting to be in the presence of God and like-minded people. I often times struggle with the "rest" part of Sundays but I'm getting better at making it a time to rejuvenate for the rest of the week. It's easier to remember when I think about spiritual warfare. I need to be prepared to give a good witness and testimony throughout the week. Sundays definitely help with that.
Day 21- Mystery of God's Will
Supposedly, exactly a month from today the world is going to end. Just like supposedly in the year 2000 all of the computers were supposed to crash. I'm not worried about it because if the world does end I know that I will be in the presence of God and with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for eternity in glory and I'm so excited for that day!
Another reason I'm not worried about it is this:
Mark 13: 31-32 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."
God has the whole world spinning in His timing. And I am SO thankful for this mystery! I think about all of these people who whole-heartedly believe the world is ending. They are so stressed and worried. I don't have to be stressed. I'm thankful for this mystery because God is in control. I'm thankful that I don't have to know the ends and outs of how life works. What a stress that would be!
I believe that the Bible is God's word. I believe that everything in the Bible is true. I believe that there is nothing in the Bible that contradicts itself. I believe that even though I don't understand all of it, God's plan is woven through every passage. Since I believe all of this, how can I not be thankful? I have the very words of the Almighty God in my grasp. So so thankful for this precious gift.
Day 20- Sundays
I am really thankful for Sundays. I look forward to going to church to praise God, read in the Bible and fellowship with other believers. It so uplifting to be in the presence of God and like-minded people. I often times struggle with the "rest" part of Sundays but I'm getting better at making it a time to rejuvenate for the rest of the week. It's easier to remember when I think about spiritual warfare. I need to be prepared to give a good witness and testimony throughout the week. Sundays definitely help with that.
Day 21- Mystery of God's Will
Supposedly, exactly a month from today the world is going to end. Just like supposedly in the year 2000 all of the computers were supposed to crash. I'm not worried about it because if the world does end I know that I will be in the presence of God and with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for eternity in glory and I'm so excited for that day!
Another reason I'm not worried about it is this:
Mark 13: 31-32 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."
God has the whole world spinning in His timing. And I am SO thankful for this mystery! I think about all of these people who whole-heartedly believe the world is ending. They are so stressed and worried. I don't have to be stressed. I'm thankful for this mystery because God is in control. I'm thankful that I don't have to know the ends and outs of how life works. What a stress that would be!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Ronan: Raising Awareness
My heart is so burdened this morning. I can't even write about what I'm thankful for because all I'm thankful for right now is my family being alive and healthy. Below is some information/statistics I got from The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Please read and pray about raising awareness and donating to fight this horrible mass murderer called Cancer.
*There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every one child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.
*The National Cancer Institute’s (NCI) federal budget was $4.6 billion. Of that, breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7%, and all 12 major groups of pediatric cancers combined received less than 3%.
*The American Cancer spends less than 70 cents of each 100 dollars raised on childhood cancer.
*Cancer kills more children than any other disease, more than Asthma, Cystic Fibrosis, Diabetes and Pediatric AIDS combined.
*Sadly, over 2,300 children with cancer die each year.
*Every school day 46 children are diagnosed.
*1 in 330 children will have the disease by age 20.
*Cancers in very young children are highly aggressive and behave unlike malignant diseases at other times in life.
*80% of children have metastasized cancer at the time of their diagnosis. At diagnosis, only 20% of adults with cancer show evidence that the disease has spread or metastasized.
*Detecting childhood cancers at an early stage, when the disease would react more favorably to treatment, is extremely difficult.
*Cancer symptoms in children – fever, swollen glands, anemia, bruises and infection – are often suspected to be, and at the early stages are treated as, other childhood illnesses.
*Even with insurance coverage, a family will have out-of pocket expenses of about $40,000 per year, not including travel.
*Treatment can continue for several years, depending on the type of cancer and the type of therapy given.
As you can see donating to The American Cancer Society does not go towards childhood cancer like it should. Parents should not have to bury their children. We have to raise awareness and get the funding to help these precious children! Please read Maya's Blog Rockstar Ronan. Please help spread the word.
I am so so so so thankful for my sweet angel Ryot. I am so thankful I get to hug her and kiss her sweet cheeks. Don't take one single day for granted!
*There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every one child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.
*The National Cancer Institute’s (NCI) federal budget was $4.6 billion. Of that, breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7%, and all 12 major groups of pediatric cancers combined received less than 3%.
*The American Cancer spends less than 70 cents of each 100 dollars raised on childhood cancer.
*Cancer kills more children than any other disease, more than Asthma, Cystic Fibrosis, Diabetes and Pediatric AIDS combined.
*Sadly, over 2,300 children with cancer die each year.
*Every school day 46 children are diagnosed.
*1 in 330 children will have the disease by age 20.
*Cancers in very young children are highly aggressive and behave unlike malignant diseases at other times in life.
*80% of children have metastasized cancer at the time of their diagnosis. At diagnosis, only 20% of adults with cancer show evidence that the disease has spread or metastasized.
*Detecting childhood cancers at an early stage, when the disease would react more favorably to treatment, is extremely difficult.
*Cancer symptoms in children – fever, swollen glands, anemia, bruises and infection – are often suspected to be, and at the early stages are treated as, other childhood illnesses.
*Even with insurance coverage, a family will have out-of pocket expenses of about $40,000 per year, not including travel.
*Treatment can continue for several years, depending on the type of cancer and the type of therapy given.
As you can see donating to The American Cancer Society does not go towards childhood cancer like it should. Parents should not have to bury their children. We have to raise awareness and get the funding to help these precious children! Please read Maya's Blog Rockstar Ronan. Please help spread the word.
I am so so so so thankful for my sweet angel Ryot. I am so thankful I get to hug her and kiss her sweet cheeks. Don't take one single day for granted!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Thankful November Days 14-18: Behind the curve!
Thankful November Day 14 - Pictures
"Photography takes an instant out of time, altering life by holding it still." - Dorothea Lange
I love taking pictures. I have loved taking pictures since I can remember. I want to capture every moment. I want Ryot to have pictures of us together I want to be able to show her pictures of when she was little. I love capturing the posed and the unposed. I am a definite Mamarazzi. Looking at pictures gives me an experience kindred to the Butterfly Effect. No, I'm not trasported back in time and altering the future, but it is like I get to experience it all over again. Yes, I look at the bad hair or clothing style. I look at the weight changes, some I'm happy with and some I'm not. I am my worst critic. But most of the time I can just remember the memory and smile that I got to experience such fun and precious moments.
Day 15 - Blankets
I am so thankful for blankets. Even if it is hot outside, there is something amazing about being wrapped up in blankets like a cacoon.
Ok, maybe not like that. I do have to admit, however, that one of my favorite times of the day is to crawl in bed with a heap of blankets consuming me while laying on my hubby's chest. Ah, only 73 more days until this can once again be my reality.
Day 16 - Being Clean
I am so grateful for personal hygiene products and showers. This one made the list because I really am thankful for it and I realize that some don't know what a great gift and luxury this is. When you spend hours, days and weeks of your life with someone who has never heard of deodorant, you will really begin to appreciate it. I'm thankful my husband has good hygiene too. No smelly BO to deal with. :) for that I am truly thankful to God for such a bleesing. The only thing that I can say on this that might be weird is I don't like the actual "act" of getting clean. I don't like taking a shower and having to do my hair and make up and getting ready. I don't like the feeling of wet hair on my shirt. I don't like being cold then warm in the shower then back to being cold when I get out. But these are all first world problems that really don't bother me. Just not my favorite thing ever. But I DO love being clean and looking and smelling pretty. Don't worry, there's no bad BO here.
Day 17- Seasons
I am so thankful for different seasons. It is funny to me that when it has been cold for a couple months, or weeks depending on where you live, we are wishing that it would warm up. However, when it is warm for "long enough" we are wishing for it to be cooler. Then we spend the Spring and Fall months sick because of the weather changes. haha! MY favorite season is definitely summer. I don't consider myself "fashioable" and the different scarves, accessories, and boots are all a bit overwhelming to me. I very much prefer a cute sundress and flip flops. Or a tank top, jeans and flip flops. Or a swimsuit and flip flops. Pretty much anything with flip flops. I don't mind that it gets really hot. I'm not a big fan of the humidity, but I don't mind the heat at all.
I am so thankful for the changing of the seasons. I think it gives us a variety smells, sights, feelings, etc. I know that it is a blessing from God in a very repetitive world. I am thankful for the cold becuase it helps me appreciate the heat more.
Day 18 - Technology
I am so grateful for advanced technology. I can write in this blog. I can talk to my friends on my cell phone. I can listen to music in my car or while I'm running. I can skype with my family and see my husband's face while we are apart. I can take pictures to preserve memories. I can record Ryot's faces and movements and singing to watch at a later time. I can watch a movie when I want to chill. I can listen to the radio while I clean my house. Life would be a bit dull without all of these perks.
So yes, I was a bit behind the curve. Heaven forbid life get in the way. :) I am working on Day 19 as you read this! It's a good one so I want to put a lot of thought into it. Love and kisses!
"Photography takes an instant out of time, altering life by holding it still." - Dorothea Lange
I love taking pictures. I have loved taking pictures since I can remember. I want to capture every moment. I want Ryot to have pictures of us together I want to be able to show her pictures of when she was little. I love capturing the posed and the unposed. I am a definite Mamarazzi. Looking at pictures gives me an experience kindred to the Butterfly Effect. No, I'm not trasported back in time and altering the future, but it is like I get to experience it all over again. Yes, I look at the bad hair or clothing style. I look at the weight changes, some I'm happy with and some I'm not. I am my worst critic. But most of the time I can just remember the memory and smile that I got to experience such fun and precious moments.
Day 15 - Blankets
I am so thankful for blankets. Even if it is hot outside, there is something amazing about being wrapped up in blankets like a cacoon.
Ok, maybe not like that. I do have to admit, however, that one of my favorite times of the day is to crawl in bed with a heap of blankets consuming me while laying on my hubby's chest. Ah, only 73 more days until this can once again be my reality.
Day 16 - Being Clean
I am so grateful for personal hygiene products and showers. This one made the list because I really am thankful for it and I realize that some don't know what a great gift and luxury this is. When you spend hours, days and weeks of your life with someone who has never heard of deodorant, you will really begin to appreciate it. I'm thankful my husband has good hygiene too. No smelly BO to deal with. :) for that I am truly thankful to God for such a bleesing. The only thing that I can say on this that might be weird is I don't like the actual "act" of getting clean. I don't like taking a shower and having to do my hair and make up and getting ready. I don't like the feeling of wet hair on my shirt. I don't like being cold then warm in the shower then back to being cold when I get out. But these are all first world problems that really don't bother me. Just not my favorite thing ever. But I DO love being clean and looking and smelling pretty. Don't worry, there's no bad BO here.
Day 17- Seasons
I am so thankful for different seasons. It is funny to me that when it has been cold for a couple months, or weeks depending on where you live, we are wishing that it would warm up. However, when it is warm for "long enough" we are wishing for it to be cooler. Then we spend the Spring and Fall months sick because of the weather changes. haha! MY favorite season is definitely summer. I don't consider myself "fashioable" and the different scarves, accessories, and boots are all a bit overwhelming to me. I very much prefer a cute sundress and flip flops. Or a tank top, jeans and flip flops. Or a swimsuit and flip flops. Pretty much anything with flip flops. I don't mind that it gets really hot. I'm not a big fan of the humidity, but I don't mind the heat at all.
I am so thankful for the changing of the seasons. I think it gives us a variety smells, sights, feelings, etc. I know that it is a blessing from God in a very repetitive world. I am thankful for the cold becuase it helps me appreciate the heat more.
Day 18 - Technology
I am so grateful for advanced technology. I can write in this blog. I can talk to my friends on my cell phone. I can listen to music in my car or while I'm running. I can skype with my family and see my husband's face while we are apart. I can take pictures to preserve memories. I can record Ryot's faces and movements and singing to watch at a later time. I can watch a movie when I want to chill. I can listen to the radio while I clean my house. Life would be a bit dull without all of these perks.
So yes, I was a bit behind the curve. Heaven forbid life get in the way. :) I am working on Day 19 as you read this! It's a good one so I want to put a lot of thought into it. Love and kisses!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Thankful November Day 13 - Music
Thankful November Day 13 - Music
I can play the piano. Not very well, but I could get better if I practiced. Part 2 of my child-hood was filled with talented musicians. My cousins are very talented musicians playing the flute, piccolo, drums and other percussion, piano, guitar and of course the infamou RECORDER. haha Some of my fondest memories were singing with my slew of sisters. Picking the song or making up a song, ranging harmonies or a steady melody, we had so much fun. I don't know what it is about music but it always had a way of speaking to me so much deeper than regular words, lectures or poetry ever could. I don't view myself as a talented musician, but I really enjoy myself and I think that is what is important anyway.
I don't know what your "great escape" is. It might be a secluded forrest with all the trees and creature surrounding you. It might be with a view of the snow-covered mountains and crisp morning air. For me, it is sinking my toes into the sand and hearing the waves crash and the birds enjoying their day. When I hear good music, it just transports me to another place. I hear the beginning measures of "Gravity" by John Mayer and I can feel the sand between my toes. I hear Jack Johnson's "Banana Pancakes" and I can feel the breeze to my back. I listen to the Yanni's masterful composing and it literally takes me to a place where I can hear the waves gliding across the sand.
I have always felt a special connection to music. I know that it is an incredible blessing and I am so grateful. When I am being stubborn or when life gets in the way of sitting down and communing with God, He has always reached out to me through music. He plays a song and I instantly feel connected to Him. I can sing and worship Him on my way to or from work. I can have long times of prayer and praise during roadtrips. I can be folding laundry and that familiar song comes on the radio and I just get a moment where it is me and Him. Me and my Abba Father spending quality time together. It speaks directly to my heart.
Like I said before, I am not a great singer, but I LOVE to sing. I sing in the car, in the shower, at work, at home, in the grocery store, while cooking dinner, while rocking Ryot to sleep and pretty much everywhere else. There is rarely a time of the day where I don't hear some music or lyrics in my head. I have had this one song stuck in my head lately and it plays on the radio at the PERFECT moment every time. I sing at the top of my lungs even if people are staring while I'm driving or even if Ryot looks at me like I've lost my mind. It just brings me to that place of remembering how great God is. It is a song that when I hear it, immediately transports me into the presence of my living Savior and I can worship Him. It is a beautiful song by Chris Tomlin called "How can I keep from singing":
There is an endless song, echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come, I am holding on
To the rock I cling
How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough, how amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing!
I will lift my eyes in the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives!
And I will walk with You knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give
How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough, how amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing!
I can sing in the troubled times, sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step and I fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up, sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord, when I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath, sing for I know
That I'll sing with the Angels and the Saints around the throne!
How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough, how amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart,
I am loved by the King and it makes my heart,
I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing, yeah
I can sing
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