Today certainly is a great morning! I went to sleep last night with a terrible Migraine. Washcloth over the face and everything. I get them every now and then, but I'm noticing that I get them more often when I'm stressed. I've been trying to stay calm and not let things effect me, but thats not really how I work. A lot of things effect me. Some say because I'm a gemini. Some say because I love easily. Some say because I have a big heart. Some say because I'm a pushover. Whatever it is, I find it can sometimes be a burden instead of a joy. It's hard to love so much and get hurt. It's hard to for me to be friendless. Right now, I am not completely friendless. I have a friend here that I hang out with semi-regularly. But it's not anywhere near the everyday friends I had in Lawton or Niceville. I miss having a group o f friend to hang out with and make good memories with. I can't blame anyone but myself because we are the ones that moved out here to Las Vegas, but it still doesn't change the fact that I am pretty lonely. So since I don't want to just sit here and complain, I have tried to come up with a few solutions.
--I have some friends at work, so maybe I can become friends with their friends since they have been here longer than me.
--I could get into public sports. I do miss playing softball. It's kinda scary for me because I've always already known someone there. So do I just walk up to someone and ask to be on their team? It's a little awkward. Plus, Nevada isn't exactly known for being nice. In Niceville, anyone could have walked up to our team and asked how to get on the team and we would have helped them find where they needed to go. You want to ask for your check eating at a restaurant, and the waitor is rude. So....I will have to be super ninja about this one.....maybe try to find out more answers on the internet???
--Volunteer. I have looked into volunteering at the hospital. Everything was looking great but you have to do a 4 hour shift 7 days a week. The time committment isn't the deal breaker for me....the deal breaker is that I'm STILL at work at 4pm. And I'm not at a financial place right now where I can lose an hour of work everyday. So that idea is scratched. Also, I looked into the Boys and Girls Club. I am going to have to call them because I'm not sure what their schedules are and I couldn't really find it on their website. I also need to look into Helping Hands, Occupational Therapy or Meals on Wheels. I will let you know what I find out.
--Second job?? I've thought about this one. I could really use the money and I think it wouldn't hurt with making friends. I am not a night person, so I don't want to be working until midnight every night. But I'm already working 8-5 M-F so that doesn't exactly leave me very much time to do anything. But I am still looking into this one...
--Everyone can move to VEGAS! Ok, well that is just a wish....
--Church. I have been going to this church called Oasis Baptist Church. I haven't really made any friends there yet. I mean, I've always gotten along with people older than myself. Always always always. It's easier to have more meaningful conversations than with a lot of the people my age. But it's nice to have someone your own age to talk to every now and then. I need to find out more about the groups that they have.
I think that is a wide array of options. Now just to do something about them. But since I have shared them with other people outloud, hopefully that will be more motivation. lol.
On a good note, I have been working out lately. I am not to the point where I like it yet, but it feels good to move stretch and get my heart rate up a little. I got this dance video that reminds me of good past times with Vanessa Van Patten and the Bikini Body Workout we used to do in high school. (hahahaha love you girl!) It's some time of dancing work out video. I am not a dancer. I am an athlete. A bulky muscled athlete. lol. I am not tall and slim with lean dancer muscles. I was a fastpitch catcher and defense on the soccer team. I am meant to be a brick wall not a pretty, tall, lean, dancer...so this whole dance workout thing is a joke. I don't know how they move so fast. It makes me feel like a tub of fat lard haha. I mean, I'm not like doubled over or breathing too hard or anything, but I just dont know how they move their legs so fast. I'm sure people like my cousin Allie could do it, but I am just not cut out for it. So I do that work out early in the morning so only me and my dog have the chance to laugh at me. lol. It's a good work out though...so MAYBE I will be able to kick that fast in a couple months.
Also, I got a Billy's bootcamp something or other workout. I got this one because of my cousin Lindsey. We, as in pretty much the whole family, used to do this Taebo workout. It was equally as funny to watch but it really kicked your butt! I haven't done that one, but I will be starting it shortly. I'm already eating better, so hopefully by getting a workout routine down I will be able to lose a little weight. Then maybe that will contribute to other medical problems I'm having.
Oh, Oh, Oh!!! Speaking of medical issues and doctors and all of that stuff, I have good news!!!! I finally got everything squared away and all the problems fixed so that I can get my new social security card. I dont even want to go into details with this one because it is a long and stressful story. But I should be getting it in the mail this week. What does that have to do with medical problems? Well, I will tell you! After I get my new social security card, I can get my new Nevada driver's license. After I get my Nevada driver's license, I can get health insurance. After I get health insurance I can go to the doctor and see what is wrong with me!!!! :) And that makes me very happy. This whole battle that we have been having had really taken a toll on me. I see families, and I want that so bad. I see my niece and nephews and I want that so bad. I know that it is work and that kids take up all your time, energy, money, etc. But they are such a blessing. They are so pure and innocent and perfect. My heart overflows with love for them. They truly have a spot in my heart that I can't explain. I just love every kid. I can see a beautiful child across the room in a restaurant and I am just smitten. They are so perfect. I don't mind them taking over every inch of my being. I feel like part of my purpose in this world belongs to them....somehow. Whether I become a teacher or a counselor or whatever....my heart is with the children. Well, to be unsuccessful in starting our own family has been completely heart-breaking for me. Not many people that I talk to understand me. They say, "you're so young, you have time" "you need to enjoy your time with just you and your husband". I understand all of that. Is there a certain age limit before a person should have kids? I'm 21. Most 21 year olds are in school and partying or whatever. That has never concerned me. I've never been a party girl. I have been to some parties. I have made some careless choices. But I made them once and I was done. The thought of staying up late and drinking only to feel terrible the next day does not entice me. The thought of reading bed time stories and snuggling up next to a perfect little being that I have helped create is the most amazing thing in the world to me. And I am not guaranteed tomorrow. What would I be waiting for? I have time for what? I have time to wait around a couple more years until it is more socially acceptable for me to have children...well that just sounds silly. This is everything I have every wanted. And for the other excuse, dont worry, I do have fun with my husband. I love spending time with him. But to me, having children isn't a burden that just takes up all of your time, but a blessing from God. It is my heart's true desire. I've never wanted anything more. And so, I don't know that many people who read this will understand, but it's heart breaking. Every false hope, every negative test, is completely heart breaking. They say that it will fall in your lap when you don't want it. How do I stop wanting it, and why would I want to stop wanting it? So, I am doing my best to make lifestyle changes that will be better for me. Working out, eating better, etc. Maybe that will help. The doctors say that I am completely healthy....which is bittersweet to me. I am glad that I am healthy, but that is just one more unanswered question. So, I'm hoping that by increasing my social activities, eating right, and working out, I can make some changes for the better. Also, it will help my mind be a little more occupied than thinking about it so much. So that is my goal and I'm pursuing it with everything I've got.
Well, now that I have emotionally vomitted on all my readers....if there are any readers....I must bid my farewell.
I am going to eat some breakfast and take my puppy to the park. It's too beautiful of a creation outside to sit inside all day. Thank you for listening...
Love and Kisses!!
Kayla Jo
