Burnt-out syndrome?

These exerpts taken from an article called "The Burnt-out generation" by Tanith Carey.

With one in ten women working more than 45 hours a week, it’s no surprise that many are teetering on the brink when it comes to their physical and mental health. And it’s not just perfectionists and workaholics who tip over the edge, according to Dr Joan Borysenko, author of a new book examining this phenomenon. In fact, it’s an issue that’s becoming increasingly problematic now that redundancies have left the remaining staff to cope with impossible workloads, too afraid to object for fear they’ll be next in the firing line.
Dr Borysenko believes women suffer so severely because they are more likely than men to be people-pleasers who ignore their own needs. Trapped in a cycle of trying to do their best, but not realising the toll it’s taking on them, they end up in a cycle of despair.
In a recent survey of 2,000 people, it was revealed that as many as one in three women has taken anti-depressants. Eighteen per cent of them did not tell their family they were taking medication, and one in ten did not even confide in her partner. Crucially, even though the symptoms of burn-out can resemble depression, medication won’t cure it, according to Dr Borysenko. Instead, people need to spot the warning signs and make fundamental changes to their lifestyles. ‘Productivity rises with stress, but only to a certain point,’ she says. ‘When you’re stressed, you chase the same old carrot, whatever that might be for you. After that, you find yourself in the land of diminishing returns. You’re working harder, but getting less quality work done. That’s when burn-out sets in.’
Dr Borysenko spent ten years trying to juggle academic research, raise two children and write books. She realised something was wrong when she felt numb even during the most joyous moments. She is worried about the toll on mothers trying to do it all, especially now that a job is no longer a matter of choice for many, but is instead essential to keeping the family finances afloat. With fewer support networks and husbands unable to help because they are also victims of the long-hours culture, the burden of holding down a job and bringing up children can become intolerable. ‘Women are good at multi-tasking, but when you’re a working mother there are just too many tasks,’ says Dr Borysenko. ‘Wherever you are, you think you’re in the wrong place.’
For this reason, she says women have to give themselves permission to be brutal about cutting out the many time-drains — such as unsolicited emails — in their lives in order to survive. Women need to create a sliding scale in their head. At one end, the number one means: “I’m feeling really good.” Ten is: “I’m feeling burnt out.”
‘Keep making a mark between those two points to work out where you stand. If it gets to eight and you’re feel you can’t stand it any more, it’s time to take urgent action to relieve the situation.’ Everyone’s tolerance level varies, so each of us needs to learn to identify what helps. ‘Often, it can be something as simple as giving ourselves the time to look after ourselves, such as getting a massage or having uninterrupted time alone when no one asks us to do anything for them,’ says Dr Borysenko. Letting off steam with female friends is also important. 'The women I consulted for the book say how helpful it is for them to be able to confide in a female friend. Partners will often try to fix your life, but women don’t necessarily want that. They just want to be able to share and confide.’
Sam Willoughby, from Hampshire, decided she needed help 18 months ago. She hit rock bottom when she felt she would have to close down her successful internet business, the parenting advice website What’s On 4. ‘Women have to make time for themselves, just like a Formula One driver has to make a pit stop, otherwise the tyres burst’. ‘I’d fallen into a pattern where I felt I was working like a dog and wasn’t getting anywhere. I’d put on three stone because I never allowed myself time to exercise,’ she says. ‘I wasn’t recognising what I’d achieved. Every day felt like Groundhog Day, another battle to try to do everything on my list.
‘I didn’t feel I was a good mother, a good businesswoman or a good wife. I felt I was failing on all fronts.'


Ok, so my thoughts....
Burnt-out syndrome? I don't know if I would take it as far to label it an illness or syndrome. But I do understand the feeling.

I like working. I have worked since I was 14. I was babysitting for familes in my church from 12 yrs old. I like the intellectual stimulation. I enjoy deadlines, structure, business, organization, office comradery and the challenge. And honestly, I need the money. That's where it gets stressful.

I love being a wife. I loved Vegas when things were good. I loved having the house presentable, the baby happy and dinner ready or cooking when Brian walked in the door from work. It didn't happen like that everytime, but thats what I strived for. I enjoy the conversation, love, help and committment from a partner. And honestly, I was designed by God to be loved. That's where it gets stressful.

I love being a mom. Being a mom is the one thing in life that my heart yearned for as far as "growing up". I loved every moment of pregnancy even though I was sick. Even though I was tired and fat and had no idea what I was doing, I loved those sleepless nigths. I love every second I get to see her face, hear her laugh, feel her love when she chooses to show affection, and watch her grow and learn about life. I love that I have been entrusted to be her mommy and to help shepherd her heart towards God and the true joy found in Him. That's where it gets stressful.

I don't know everything about the working world. I get turned away every other interview because of my age alone. I don't have the cutest, work savvy business clothes. I probably couldn't fit in them and look good even if I did have some. I am in no way shape or form the best wife. I saw a welcome sign the other day that said "Welcome to my loose interpretation of clean." I seriously need that for my door! My house is clean but it's often messy. Because after I get home from work, I'm exhausted. And then how do I choose between doing dishes, or reading books and doing puzzles with Ryot. I don't. I do the puzzles, and have the dance parties and cuddle moments with Ryot because she is more important than a spotless home. But then when I first walk in the door, it makes me anxious to see stuff just lying around and not put away in it's proper place. And then there is the morning routine. What am I saying? There is NO routine! This morning went rather smoothly but yesterday was ridiculous! I tried on probably 17 different outfits and NONE of them worked. Well, some of them probably worked but it didn't look right to me in the mirror. I could see this problem area, or that bunching there or just the whole collaboration was a joke. I'm not a fashionista. So because I was in a hurry to get to work and Ryot wasn't awake yet, I'm trying to find clothes to wear in my closet in Ryot's room in the dark. Trying to be quiet while she is sleeping. Trying to find an outfit that I don't look ridiculous in. Throwing the clothes on the floor because I couldn't see in the dark to put them away. But then there are clothes on the floor and that's just one more thing that I have to do when I get home on top of the dishes in the sink from last night because right when I was going to put them away Ryot woke up and started coughing and crying. So now, I can't find anything to wear, I have dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, the bed isn't made, Ryot needs a bath but we don't have time because I'm running late to work. I wanted to be on time.
I wanted to have a clean home.
I wanted an hour of quiet time with my Bible and the Lord.
I wanted quality time with Ryot.
I wanted breakfast.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This looks NOTHING like the proverbial wife should look in Proverbs 31.

And this is the point where I feel like I fail on every front. I guess this is my form of "burnt-out syndrome" otherwise known as "not relying on the Lord syndrome" accompanied with "not getting validation from the Lord syndrome", "oh so very lonely syndrome" and admittedly a lot of "being WAY too hard on myself syndrome".

I don't want to be alone or sleep alone. I don't want to stay in Texas. I want my family to be together. I want to be desired and loved. I want my marriage to be happy and perfect. I want to have never known the hurt and heartbreak of 2012.

But if I didn't know the hurt and heartbreak of 2012 I wouldn't have known the magnitude of the faithfulness and steadfast love and comfort that only God can provide.

I know God's plan is perfect. I know I have to trust in Him. I'm just struggling today...well really, this week, well really with Christmas. What, am I going to sing "baby, it's cold outside" to myself? And cuddle with pillows by the Christmas tree? Errrrr

God is faithful and gracious when I don't deserve it.
I don't understand why things are the way they are right now. And honestly, I don't like it. It hurts. It's not fun. It's stressful. But life is not about me.

Ok, my venting is over for today. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that He is worthy of the glory even when my feelings contradict what I know to be truth. And that is what I will TRY to rest in today.

In Limbo

I dont know how to say what I want to say or what I need to say. I do know that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

As of right now, Ryot and I will not be moving to Colorado. We will be Texas residents for at least a little while longer. There are many factors that have gone into this decision. Some I agree with and some that I don't. I don't understand why certain things happen but for now I guess I don't have to. Right now I am trying my hardest to submit to my husband and honor the Lord.

I need to find my validation in the character of God. I need to be completely satisfied with His presence and trust that His will is perfect.

There are pro's to both going to Colorado and staying in Texas. And that is what I am choosing to look at.

For whoever is reading this, if you can just pray that God will lead Brian and my heart in His direction and will. My sole desire is to glorify God by being obedient to His word and will.

I can't sit here and lie and say that my heart isn't breaking to be in Colorado with my husband. But this, I guess, is where God has me right now. I don't know how we are going to make it work but we just have to. I am choosing to trust in God.

In a Funk

I don't like this one bit. I don't like having a long-distance relationship. This is exactly why I always said that I didn't want to marry a military man, because I didn't want to be alone for so long. I hate this. I can't sleep. I don't really eat. And I just want to be there in Colorado. I want my family back together. Brian, Izzy, Vini, Ryot, we ALL need to be back together.

This whole year has been crazy. Horrible pain in the Spring, but God was faithful. Happiness, intimidation and complete abandonement of all of my "reasoning" in the Summer, but God was faithful. Now another absence accompanied with a little (or a lot) of insecurity, financial trouble and lack of communication in the Fall/Winter, but God is still faithful.

So God has me exactly where He wants me.
I know that.
But right now, if I'm honest - which I am - I would have to say, I DONT LIKE IT.

To explain more of my heart...
I love that God is speaking to me in a way that I have never experienced before. I can clearly feel His presence and prompting in my life.
I am so incredibly thankful to God for His provision.
I can only praise and worship Him for His goodness to me.
I know that God has me exactly where He wants me. In a place where I HAVE to depend on him because I don't like my exterior circumstances.

I just miss my husband. I miss my family. I don't like being alone. Or sleeping alone.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations" Deuteronomy 7:9

God is faithful and I am forever grateful for His sovereign provision in my life.

Oh, Saturday.

Altogether Saturday was an interesting day. My foot hurts, my mouth hurts and my phone is stolen. awesome. So at the end of Saturday I decided I would read the Bible to get some encouragement from the Lord. I didn't pray before I opened my Bible. I didn't ask God to lead me to the verses that would speak his heart to mine. I just opened my Bible...to Psalms of course. That is the encouraging book, right? That is the book that I read about His mercy never failing and how He leads me by the still waters and restores my soul, right? Then I read Psalm 51. The first 7 verses are David crying out to God for forgiveness and mercy. Then I got to verse 8 "Let me hear joy and gladness; Let the bones you have broken rejoice."

Honestly, I have to kinda laugh when I look at it now. God gives me exactly what I need when I need it EVERY TIME when I am sincerely seeking him. Saturday could have been a perfect day. I could have gotten to sleep in, not stepped on the belt buckle, not been headbutt in the face by my 1 1/2 yr old and not had my phone stolen...but then I wouldn't have been lead to say 'Let me hear joy and gladness; Let the bones you have broken rejoice.'

I will rejoice because God is good. All the time. Standing in the store, I heard Him speaking to my heart, "How are you going to respond, Kayla? What image are you going to give them of me? Is your attitude reflecting my glory?" And THIS is why I can rejoice, because even in the midst of less than happy occurrences, I can hear His voice guiding and encouraging me. And I will rejoice that His Spirit lives in me!