Burnt-out syndrome?

These exerpts taken from an article called "The Burnt-out generation" by Tanith Carey.

With one in ten women working more than 45 hours a week, it’s no surprise that many are teetering on the brink when it comes to their physical and mental health. And it’s not just perfectionists and workaholics who tip over the edge, according to Dr Joan Borysenko, author of a new book examining this phenomenon. In fact, it’s an issue that’s becoming increasingly problematic now that redundancies have left the remaining staff to cope with impossible workloads, too afraid to object for fear they’ll be next in the firing line.
Dr Borysenko believes women suffer so severely because they are more likely than men to be people-pleasers who ignore their own needs. Trapped in a cycle of trying to do their best, but not realising the toll it’s taking on them, they end up in a cycle of despair.
In a recent survey of 2,000 people, it was revealed that as many as one in three women has taken anti-depressants. Eighteen per cent of them did not tell their family they were taking medication, and one in ten did not even confide in her partner. Crucially, even though the symptoms of burn-out can resemble depression, medication won’t cure it, according to Dr Borysenko. Instead, people need to spot the warning signs and make fundamental changes to their lifestyles. ‘Productivity rises with stress, but only to a certain point,’ she says. ‘When you’re stressed, you chase the same old carrot, whatever that might be for you. After that, you find yourself in the land of diminishing returns. You’re working harder, but getting less quality work done. That’s when burn-out sets in.’
Dr Borysenko spent ten years trying to juggle academic research, raise two children and write books. She realised something was wrong when she felt numb even during the most joyous moments. She is worried about the toll on mothers trying to do it all, especially now that a job is no longer a matter of choice for many, but is instead essential to keeping the family finances afloat. With fewer support networks and husbands unable to help because they are also victims of the long-hours culture, the burden of holding down a job and bringing up children can become intolerable. ‘Women are good at multi-tasking, but when you’re a working mother there are just too many tasks,’ says Dr Borysenko. ‘Wherever you are, you think you’re in the wrong place.’
For this reason, she says women have to give themselves permission to be brutal about cutting out the many time-drains — such as unsolicited emails — in their lives in order to survive. Women need to create a sliding scale in their head. At one end, the number one means: “I’m feeling really good.” Ten is: “I’m feeling burnt out.”
‘Keep making a mark between those two points to work out where you stand. If it gets to eight and you’re feel you can’t stand it any more, it’s time to take urgent action to relieve the situation.’ Everyone’s tolerance level varies, so each of us needs to learn to identify what helps. ‘Often, it can be something as simple as giving ourselves the time to look after ourselves, such as getting a massage or having uninterrupted time alone when no one asks us to do anything for them,’ says Dr Borysenko. Letting off steam with female friends is also important. 'The women I consulted for the book say how helpful it is for them to be able to confide in a female friend. Partners will often try to fix your life, but women don’t necessarily want that. They just want to be able to share and confide.’
Sam Willoughby, from Hampshire, decided she needed help 18 months ago. She hit rock bottom when she felt she would have to close down her successful internet business, the parenting advice website What’s On 4. ‘Women have to make time for themselves, just like a Formula One driver has to make a pit stop, otherwise the tyres burst’. ‘I’d fallen into a pattern where I felt I was working like a dog and wasn’t getting anywhere. I’d put on three stone because I never allowed myself time to exercise,’ she says. ‘I wasn’t recognising what I’d achieved. Every day felt like Groundhog Day, another battle to try to do everything on my list.
‘I didn’t feel I was a good mother, a good businesswoman or a good wife. I felt I was failing on all fronts.'


Ok, so my thoughts....
Burnt-out syndrome? I don't know if I would take it as far to label it an illness or syndrome. But I do understand the feeling.

I like working. I have worked since I was 14. I was babysitting for familes in my church from 12 yrs old. I like the intellectual stimulation. I enjoy deadlines, structure, business, organization, office comradery and the challenge. And honestly, I need the money. That's where it gets stressful.

I love being a wife. I loved Vegas when things were good. I loved having the house presentable, the baby happy and dinner ready or cooking when Brian walked in the door from work. It didn't happen like that everytime, but thats what I strived for. I enjoy the conversation, love, help and committment from a partner. And honestly, I was designed by God to be loved. That's where it gets stressful.

I love being a mom. Being a mom is the one thing in life that my heart yearned for as far as "growing up". I loved every moment of pregnancy even though I was sick. Even though I was tired and fat and had no idea what I was doing, I loved those sleepless nigths. I love every second I get to see her face, hear her laugh, feel her love when she chooses to show affection, and watch her grow and learn about life. I love that I have been entrusted to be her mommy and to help shepherd her heart towards God and the true joy found in Him. That's where it gets stressful.

I don't know everything about the working world. I get turned away every other interview because of my age alone. I don't have the cutest, work savvy business clothes. I probably couldn't fit in them and look good even if I did have some. I am in no way shape or form the best wife. I saw a welcome sign the other day that said "Welcome to my loose interpretation of clean." I seriously need that for my door! My house is clean but it's often messy. Because after I get home from work, I'm exhausted. And then how do I choose between doing dishes, or reading books and doing puzzles with Ryot. I don't. I do the puzzles, and have the dance parties and cuddle moments with Ryot because she is more important than a spotless home. But then when I first walk in the door, it makes me anxious to see stuff just lying around and not put away in it's proper place. And then there is the morning routine. What am I saying? There is NO routine! This morning went rather smoothly but yesterday was ridiculous! I tried on probably 17 different outfits and NONE of them worked. Well, some of them probably worked but it didn't look right to me in the mirror. I could see this problem area, or that bunching there or just the whole collaboration was a joke. I'm not a fashionista. So because I was in a hurry to get to work and Ryot wasn't awake yet, I'm trying to find clothes to wear in my closet in Ryot's room in the dark. Trying to be quiet while she is sleeping. Trying to find an outfit that I don't look ridiculous in. Throwing the clothes on the floor because I couldn't see in the dark to put them away. But then there are clothes on the floor and that's just one more thing that I have to do when I get home on top of the dishes in the sink from last night because right when I was going to put them away Ryot woke up and started coughing and crying. So now, I can't find anything to wear, I have dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor, the bed isn't made, Ryot needs a bath but we don't have time because I'm running late to work. I wanted to be on time.
I wanted to have a clean home.
I wanted an hour of quiet time with my Bible and the Lord.
I wanted quality time with Ryot.
I wanted breakfast.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This looks NOTHING like the proverbial wife should look in Proverbs 31.

And this is the point where I feel like I fail on every front. I guess this is my form of "burnt-out syndrome" otherwise known as "not relying on the Lord syndrome" accompanied with "not getting validation from the Lord syndrome", "oh so very lonely syndrome" and admittedly a lot of "being WAY too hard on myself syndrome".

I don't want to be alone or sleep alone. I don't want to stay in Texas. I want my family to be together. I want to be desired and loved. I want my marriage to be happy and perfect. I want to have never known the hurt and heartbreak of 2012.

But if I didn't know the hurt and heartbreak of 2012 I wouldn't have known the magnitude of the faithfulness and steadfast love and comfort that only God can provide.

I know God's plan is perfect. I know I have to trust in Him. I'm just struggling today...well really, this week, well really with Christmas. What, am I going to sing "baby, it's cold outside" to myself? And cuddle with pillows by the Christmas tree? Errrrr

God is faithful and gracious when I don't deserve it.
I don't understand why things are the way they are right now. And honestly, I don't like it. It hurts. It's not fun. It's stressful. But life is not about me.

Ok, my venting is over for today. I know that God is good, all the time. I know that He is worthy of the glory even when my feelings contradict what I know to be truth. And that is what I will TRY to rest in today.

In Limbo

I dont know how to say what I want to say or what I need to say. I do know that I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

As of right now, Ryot and I will not be moving to Colorado. We will be Texas residents for at least a little while longer. There are many factors that have gone into this decision. Some I agree with and some that I don't. I don't understand why certain things happen but for now I guess I don't have to. Right now I am trying my hardest to submit to my husband and honor the Lord.

I need to find my validation in the character of God. I need to be completely satisfied with His presence and trust that His will is perfect.

There are pro's to both going to Colorado and staying in Texas. And that is what I am choosing to look at.

For whoever is reading this, if you can just pray that God will lead Brian and my heart in His direction and will. My sole desire is to glorify God by being obedient to His word and will.

I can't sit here and lie and say that my heart isn't breaking to be in Colorado with my husband. But this, I guess, is where God has me right now. I don't know how we are going to make it work but we just have to. I am choosing to trust in God.

In a Funk

I don't like this one bit. I don't like having a long-distance relationship. This is exactly why I always said that I didn't want to marry a military man, because I didn't want to be alone for so long. I hate this. I can't sleep. I don't really eat. And I just want to be there in Colorado. I want my family back together. Brian, Izzy, Vini, Ryot, we ALL need to be back together.

This whole year has been crazy. Horrible pain in the Spring, but God was faithful. Happiness, intimidation and complete abandonement of all of my "reasoning" in the Summer, but God was faithful. Now another absence accompanied with a little (or a lot) of insecurity, financial trouble and lack of communication in the Fall/Winter, but God is still faithful.

So God has me exactly where He wants me.
I know that.
But right now, if I'm honest - which I am - I would have to say, I DONT LIKE IT.

To explain more of my heart...
I love that God is speaking to me in a way that I have never experienced before. I can clearly feel His presence and prompting in my life.
I am so incredibly thankful to God for His provision.
I can only praise and worship Him for His goodness to me.
I know that God has me exactly where He wants me. In a place where I HAVE to depend on him because I don't like my exterior circumstances.

I just miss my husband. I miss my family. I don't like being alone. Or sleeping alone.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations" Deuteronomy 7:9

God is faithful and I am forever grateful for His sovereign provision in my life.

Oh, Saturday.

Altogether Saturday was an interesting day. My foot hurts, my mouth hurts and my phone is stolen. awesome. So at the end of Saturday I decided I would read the Bible to get some encouragement from the Lord. I didn't pray before I opened my Bible. I didn't ask God to lead me to the verses that would speak his heart to mine. I just opened my Bible...to Psalms of course. That is the encouraging book, right? That is the book that I read about His mercy never failing and how He leads me by the still waters and restores my soul, right? Then I read Psalm 51. The first 7 verses are David crying out to God for forgiveness and mercy. Then I got to verse 8 "Let me hear joy and gladness; Let the bones you have broken rejoice."

Honestly, I have to kinda laugh when I look at it now. God gives me exactly what I need when I need it EVERY TIME when I am sincerely seeking him. Saturday could have been a perfect day. I could have gotten to sleep in, not stepped on the belt buckle, not been headbutt in the face by my 1 1/2 yr old and not had my phone stolen...but then I wouldn't have been lead to say 'Let me hear joy and gladness; Let the bones you have broken rejoice.'

I will rejoice because God is good. All the time. Standing in the store, I heard Him speaking to my heart, "How are you going to respond, Kayla? What image are you going to give them of me? Is your attitude reflecting my glory?" And THIS is why I can rejoice, because even in the midst of less than happy occurrences, I can hear His voice guiding and encouraging me. And I will rejoice that His Spirit lives in me!

Dry Spells?

Thankful November Day 27: God's faithfulness

I have had some things on my mind and since I needed a Day 27 thankful post, I figured this was the perfect time to write about it. And boy am I really thankful for God's faithfulness. As I look through my life I can see the thread of His presence. I can see His hand working in the people, places and experiences that I sometimes did not agree with. It helps to look back at the past to help me buffer the present circumstances. I can have an experience I didn't like but remember how God has brought me through other obstacles and then just like that I have a positive outlook on an otherwise bleek situation.

I have been listening to Shane and Shane non-stop. Like seriously, on repeat constantly in my car. Shane and Shane = God's gift of talent and pure God-fearing hearts. One of their songs "Praise Him" has good lyrics and of course in true Shane and Shane style, good harmonies. This morning I was hormonizing my little heart out and then the Holy spirit moved me to soften my voice and listen. And I heard these lyrics:

"Everyone who's on a mountain
Everyone in the driest place
Praise Him, Praise Him"

I had to be silent and just let those words sink in. It is easy to forget to thank God when we are on the mountain top and everything is going good. It is easy to continue with life and get wrapped up in the children, husband, animals, work, responsibilities, etc. and forget that God is the one blessing us with all of this and He deserves our praise. Plus, how much more happy can you be when you are at the feet of God praising Him? I have found nothing that compares. But it's the second line that I kinda got stuck on. "Everyone in the driest place." I can remember just a few days ago for a split second wondering if my prayers were just hitting the ceiling or if God was really listening. Sometimes I feel like I'm just talking to myself. Sometimes I long so much for communion with God but I open my Bible and I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I feel like I am just in a dry place where no one can hear me. Sometimes I sit and wait for Him to talk but I allow the world to close in and give me directives. Sometimes I listen and I don't hear anything at all. Sometimes I feel that I love God so much but I don't know how to show it or I can't feel/receive love from Him.

As I was contemplating these thoughts and struggles, I thought about Gary Chapman and his book, The Five Love Languages. I know for a fact that my primary love language is touch. My "love meter" goes up more when I am in a huge embrace from my Granny than when she tells me that she loves me or that I'm beautiful. Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE hearing that too and I think it is necessary in a good relationship for all of the love languages to be present, but I know that what really gets to my core is touch. So my question...how does that work with my relationship with God?

During the marriage conference by Dr. Chapman that I attended a couple weeks ago, he said that he has been studying this very thing. I imagine that is what stirred up these thoughts to begin with. He said that statistically those people who's love language is Quality Time received salvation when they were alone and praying to God. He said that often times people who's love language is Physical Touch will explain their conversion story as one with weeping and some say they felt shivers all over their body or some other physical connection. I can remember weeping and I can remember a distinct feeling coming over me that a boulder had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was very real and very much God's arms over me. With that being said, I can't help but wonder how this ties in. Do I sometimes feel this disconnect because I can't get a physical connection?

*Disclaimer: I am in NO way making excuses for these "dry spell" experiences. I believe that what the Bible says is true and states:

Psalm 33:4 "For the word of the LORD is right and true; he is faithful in all he does."

Psalm 139:7-10 "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast"

I know that God is always present and desires to have a relationship with His children. But I promised to be transparent so that's what I am trying to do with expressing how I feel.*

Usually by the time I gather my thoughts I have done some sort of research or have some sort of answer, but this time I guess I'm just trying to not lose this lead. This lead of growing a closer, deeper relationship with my Abba. I want to commune with Him. I want my approach to His presence to be pleasing to Him. I want to feel His love and give Him love in return without any doubts or second thoughts ever. I love the Lord. I am so thankful for His presence in my life. I am so thankful for the blessings He has poured out on my life. I am awed by His glory and the incredible sacrifice that He made for me. For me. As Jason says, I AM the worst sinner I know. But Jesus, perfect as He is, took the blame for me and my sins. Of course I want to show Him love. He has ALWAYS been faithful. But I feel like I fall so short of giving Him the praise, honor, glory and love that He deserves.

So my question remains the same...and before I ask it again I will say, I know God loves me. I know the truth in the Bible and I do feel His presence. But I'm just thinking that maybe someone with the Quality Time love language would feel God's love more. Or someone with the love language of Words of Affirmation...I mean, goodness! They have it made! The Bible is FULL of love letters to God and from God to US! Am I just overanalyzing this? Does any of this even make sense?

I'm not sure yet, but I am excited to find out. It's just another quest in seeking and loving the Lord. It can only end in goodness. :)

God is good. God is faithful. God is perfect. God is loving.
Despite my circumstances. God is love. Pure, sacrificial, agape love.

Thankful November Days 24-26: Transportation, Mail, Christmas

Thankful November Day 24: Transportation

I'm glad I don't have to walk everywhere. I really do like walking and I think that America would be less obese without so many ways to be lazy, but it is nice to not have to ride a horse across country for months and months. I can get to Colorado in a couple hours. I can drive from Pearland to Kemah in just 45 minutes instead of having to walk for hours to get here. I am so thankful for my car with A/C and music to help pass the drive time. I am so thankful for boats to go skiing, tubing and pontooning (floatin in slow motion) and fishing. I mean, I have only been fishing a handful of times and don't really consider it a hobby but I can if I want to. I'm just REALLY REALLY thankful for my car, honestly.

Day 25: Mail

Here's the mail, it never fails.
It makes me want to wag my tail.
When it comes I want to wail - Mail!
Oh, Blues Clues...

I love getting mail. I love getting packages in the mail...for me or Ryot, I don't care. I don't even care if its junk mail. I just like opening the mail box and seeing that I have stuff to look through. I think it's the fact that it is something new in my repititive day to day activities. Of course I like getting personalized mail, but anything in that little metal slot with my name on it is fantastic.

Day 26: Christmas

I love Christmas. I love the lights, the trees, the Christmas carols, the colors, the sparkles, the cheer, the gratitude, the elfs, the reindeers, the snowmen, the jingle bells, the hot chocolate, the fireplace fires, the warm blankets, the cuddling, the misteltoe, the get togethers, the presents, the festive treats, the traditions, the smiles, the cold weather, the different smells, and so so so much more.

My FAVORITE thing about Christmas is that Jesus was born. This is not "Xmas" and I do not say Happy Holidays. It is the day that Jesus was born into the world. A great King introduced to us in a manger.

I won't really expound on this because I'm sure December will be full of Christmas rants and raves. But I am SO thankful for Christmas!

Thankful November Days 22-23: good company and sleep

Thankful November Day 22: Good company

I am so thankful for good friends and company to surround myself with. I had a blast at Chtistelle's house with friends and family. I even got to talk to Granny for a little bit until Ryot's decided to face plant into the kitchen tile. Poor baby. It was nice to talk about football and family and just relax. I don't get to do that often so it was a lot of fun. I even went into a football bet which was a lot of fun. Las Vegas taught me that football is even more fun to watch when you are invested in the game. I was in the final three on the list which was fun for me. Ryot was being so goo and everyone was kind to her even when she was getting in the way. It was great to be able to relax an enjoy the day.

Day 23: sleep

I have never been a night person. When I was in middle school, I used to come home sick from sleepovers because I wouldn't get enough sleep. In high school when I would hang out with friends sometimes the reason I would miss curfew was that I fell asleep at Vanessa or Shay's house. I'm just not good at the late night hours. I think I actually have some sort of chemical imbalance or something because I couldn't stay awake all night even If I tried. One of my favorite times in the day is getting in my pjs and curling up in bed on my hubby's chest. The only problem is I wake up usually between 3-5 times a night. Last night I fell asleep at 930pm and I woke up at 1030, 1215, 350 and 630. Didn't have to pee, just woke up. Fun huh? So I am very thankful for the times I do get to sleep. I'm thankful for sweet rest. :) now, who wants some coffee?

Thankful November Days 19-21: My Bible Sundays and Mystery of God's Will

Thankful November Day 19- My Bible

I believe that the Bible is God's word. I believe that everything in the Bible is true. I believe that there is nothing in the Bible that contradicts itself. I believe that even though I don't understand all of it, God's plan is woven through every passage. Since I believe all of this, how can I not be thankful? I have the very words of the Almighty God in my grasp. So so thankful for this precious gift.

Day 20- Sundays

I am really thankful for Sundays. I look forward to going to church to praise God, read in the Bible and fellowship with other believers. It so uplifting to be in the presence of God and like-minded people. I often times struggle with the "rest" part of Sundays but I'm getting better at making it a time to rejuvenate for the rest of the week. It's easier to remember when I think about spiritual warfare. I need to be prepared to give a good witness and testimony throughout the week. Sundays definitely help with that.

Day 21- Mystery of God's Will

Supposedly, exactly a month from today the world is going to end. Just like supposedly in the year 2000 all of the computers were supposed to crash. I'm not worried about it because if the world does end I know that I will be in the presence of God and with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for eternity in glory and I'm so excited for that day!

Another reason I'm not worried about it is this:
Mark 13: 31-32 "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."

God has the whole world spinning in His timing. And I am SO thankful for this mystery! I think about all of these people who whole-heartedly believe the world is ending. They are so stressed and worried. I don't have to be stressed. I'm thankful for this mystery because God is in control. I'm thankful that I don't have to know the ends and outs of how life works. What a stress that would be!

Ronan: Raising Awareness

My heart is so burdened this morning. I can't even write about what I'm thankful for because all I'm thankful for right now is my family being alive and healthy. Below is some information/statistics I got from The Ronan Thompson Foundation. Please read and pray about raising awareness and donating to fight this horrible mass murderer called Cancer.

*There are 15 children diagnosed with cancer for every one child diagnosed with pediatric AIDS. Yet, the U.S. invests approximately $595,000 for research per victim of pediatric AIDS and only $20,000 for each victim of childhood cancer.

*The National Cancer Institute’s (NCI) federal budget was $4.6 billion. Of that, breast cancer received 12%, prostate cancer received 7%, and all 12 major groups of pediatric cancers combined received less than 3%.

*The American Cancer spends less than 70 cents of each 100 dollars raised on childhood cancer.

*Cancer kills more children than any other disease, more than Asthma, Cystic Fibrosis, Diabetes and Pediatric AIDS combined.

*Sadly, over 2,300 children with cancer die each year.

*Every school day 46 children are diagnosed.

*1 in 330 children will have the disease by age 20.

*Cancers in very young children are highly aggressive and behave unlike malignant diseases at other times in life.

*80% of children have metastasized cancer at the time of their diagnosis. At diagnosis, only 20% of adults with cancer show evidence that the disease has spread or metastasized.

*Detecting childhood cancers at an early stage, when the disease would react more favorably to treatment, is extremely difficult.

*Cancer symptoms in children – fever, swollen glands, anemia, bruises and infection – are often suspected to be, and at the early stages are treated as, other childhood illnesses.

*Even with insurance coverage, a family will have out-of pocket expenses of about $40,000 per year, not including travel.

*Treatment can continue for several years, depending on the type of cancer and the type of therapy given.


As you can see donating to The American Cancer Society does not go towards childhood cancer like it should. Parents should not have to bury their children. We have to raise awareness and get the funding to help these precious children! Please read Maya's Blog Rockstar Ronan. Please help spread the word.

I am so so so so thankful for my sweet angel Ryot. I am so thankful I get to hug her and kiss her sweet cheeks. Don't take one single day for granted!

Thankful November Days 14-18: Behind the curve!

Thankful November Day 14 - Pictures

"Photography takes an instant out of time, altering life by holding it still." - Dorothea Lange

I love taking pictures. I have loved taking pictures since I can remember. I want to capture every moment. I want Ryot to have pictures of us together I want to be able to show her pictures of when she was little. I love capturing the posed and the unposed. I am a definite Mamarazzi. Looking at pictures gives me an experience kindred to the Butterfly Effect. No, I'm not trasported back in time and altering the future, but it is like I get to experience it all over again. Yes, I look at the bad hair or clothing style. I look at the weight changes, some I'm happy with and some I'm not. I am my worst critic. But most of the time I can just remember the memory and smile that I got to experience such fun and precious moments.

Day 15 - Blankets

I am so thankful for blankets. Even if it is hot outside, there is something amazing about being wrapped up in blankets like a cacoon.

Ok, maybe not like that. I do have to admit, however, that one of my favorite times of the day is to crawl in bed with a heap of blankets consuming me while laying on my hubby's chest. Ah, only 73 more days until this can once again be my reality.

Day 16 - Being Clean

I am so grateful for personal hygiene products and showers. This one made the list because I really am thankful for it and I realize that some don't know what a great gift and luxury this is. When you spend hours, days and weeks of your life with someone who has never heard of deodorant, you will really begin to appreciate it. I'm thankful my husband has good hygiene too. No smelly BO to deal with. :) for that I am truly thankful to God for such a bleesing. The only thing that I can say on this that might be weird is I don't like the actual "act" of getting clean. I don't like taking a shower and having to do my hair and make up and getting ready. I don't like the feeling of wet hair on my shirt. I don't like being cold then warm in the shower then back to being cold when I get out. But these are all first world problems that really don't bother me. Just not my favorite thing ever. But I DO love being clean and looking and smelling pretty. Don't worry, there's no bad BO here.

Day 17- Seasons

I am so thankful for different seasons. It is funny to me that when it has been cold for a couple months, or weeks depending on where you live, we are wishing that it would warm up. However, when it is warm for "long enough" we are wishing for it to be cooler. Then we spend the Spring and Fall months sick because of the weather changes. haha! MY favorite season is definitely summer. I don't consider myself "fashioable" and the different scarves, accessories, and boots are all a bit overwhelming to me. I very much prefer a cute sundress and flip flops. Or a tank top, jeans and flip flops. Or a swimsuit and flip flops. Pretty much anything with flip flops. I don't mind that it gets really hot. I'm not a big fan of the humidity, but I don't mind the heat at all.

I am so thankful for the changing of the seasons. I think it gives us a variety smells, sights, feelings, etc. I know that it is a blessing from God in a very repetitive world. I am thankful for the cold becuase it helps me appreciate the heat more.

Day 18 - Technology

I am so grateful for advanced technology. I can write in this blog. I can talk to my friends on my cell phone. I can listen to music in my car or while I'm running. I can skype with my family and see my husband's face while we are apart. I can take pictures to preserve memories. I can record Ryot's faces and movements and singing to watch at a later time. I can watch a movie when I want to chill. I can listen to the radio while I clean my house. Life would be a bit dull without all of these perks.


So yes, I was a bit behind the curve. Heaven forbid life get in the way. :) I am working on Day 19 as you read this! It's a good one so I want to put a lot of thought into it. Love and kisses!

Thankful November Day 13 - Music

Thankful November Day 13 - Music

I can play the piano. Not very well, but I could get better if I practiced. Part 2 of my child-hood was filled with talented musicians. My cousins are very talented musicians playing the flute, piccolo, drums and other percussion, piano, guitar and of course the infamou RECORDER. haha Some of my fondest memories were singing with my slew of sisters. Picking the song or making up a song, ranging harmonies or a steady melody, we had so much fun. I don't know what it is about music but it always had a way of speaking to me so much deeper than regular words, lectures or poetry ever could. I don't view myself as a talented musician, but I really enjoy myself and I think that is what is important anyway.

I don't know what your "great escape" is. It might be a secluded forrest with all the trees and creature surrounding you. It might be with a view of the snow-covered mountains and crisp morning air. For me, it is sinking my toes into the sand and hearing the waves crash and the birds enjoying their day. When I hear good music, it just transports me to another place. I hear the beginning measures of "Gravity" by John Mayer and I can feel the sand between my toes. I hear Jack Johnson's "Banana Pancakes" and I can feel the breeze to my back. I listen to the Yanni's masterful composing and it literally takes me to a place where I can hear the waves gliding across the sand.

I have always felt a special connection to music. I know that it is an incredible blessing and I am so grateful. When I am being stubborn or when life gets in the way of sitting down and communing with God, He has always reached out to me through music. He plays a song and I instantly feel connected to Him. I can sing and worship Him on my way to or from work. I can have long times of prayer and praise during roadtrips. I can be folding laundry and that familiar song comes on the radio and I just get a moment where it is me and Him. Me and my Abba Father spending quality time together. It speaks directly to my heart.

Like I said before, I am not a great singer, but I LOVE to sing. I sing in the car, in the shower, at work, at home, in the grocery store, while cooking dinner, while rocking Ryot to sleep and pretty much everywhere else. There is rarely a time of the day where I don't hear some music or lyrics in my head. I have had this one song stuck in my head lately and it plays on the radio at the PERFECT moment every time. I sing at the top of my lungs even if people are staring while I'm driving or even if Ryot looks at me like I've lost my mind. It just brings me to that place of remembering how great God is. It is a song that when I hear it, immediately transports me into the presence of my living Savior and I can worship Him. It is a beautiful song by Chris Tomlin called "How can I keep from singing":

There is an endless song, echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come, I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough, how amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing!

I will lift my eyes in the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives!
And I will walk with You knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough, how amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing!

I can sing in the troubled times, sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step and I fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up, sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord, when I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath, sing for I know
That I'll sing with the Angels and the Saints around the throne!

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough, how amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King and it makes my heart,
I am loved by the King and it makes my heart,
I am loved by the King and it makes my heart want to sing, yeah
I can sing

Thankful November: Day10-12: Home, Veterans(Dustin) and Coral

Thankful Novemeber Day 10 - A Home

I know this is something that I all too often take for granted. I have moved a lot...A LOT. I was born in Arizona but I don't really count this because my family located when I was only 2 weeks old. So minua Arizona when I was a wee babe, I have moved in the following pattern:

San Antonio, Tx
Niceville, Fl
Pensacola, Fl (1 semester college)
Lawton, Ok
Colorado Springs, CO (3 months)
Lawton, Ok
Niceville, Fl (1 summer)
Lawton, Ok
Las Vegas, NV
Pearland, TX
And in January I will be moving back to Colorado Springs for however long God has my family there...I'm hoping in at least a couple years!!!

I haven't really settled somewhere and felt like it was "home sweet home". I don't know if I will ever get there. I am willing to go anywhere the Lord leads so we will see what happens. For now, I am thankful for a place to rest my head at night. A place to make memories with my family. A place to decorate with my sense of "organized chaos" and major lack of real interior design. Even if it doesn't look like it is a snap shot from a magazine like my sister's beautiful home, it is my home. It is a nice place of refuge where I don't have to wear matching pants, or pants at all. It is a place I can be completely lazy or productive or exercise without anyone watching. It is my home, and I am so thankful.

Day 11 - Veterans

I will have to make this one short because no one wants to read my novel. I am so incredibley grateful for the sacrifices that our military make so that I can experience a life of freedom. I think about acquaintances, close friends and family members who selflessly serve. I think about the ones who have died fighting for a cause bigger than themselves. I think about the holidays, birthdays and special moments they miss. I think about the battle scars both physical and emotional that they endure.

I think about my brother, Dustin.

When he was deployed, I would pray every day for his safety. I would cry missing him. I would glow when I would talk about how proud of him I am. I don't know what all he went through. I don't know the depth of what it's like to be told when and where and what and how you can act or be. I don't know all of the horrible things he saw or had to do. I don't have to know or even really want to know, if I'm being honest. But I do know that I am so proud to call him my brother and so thankful for his service in the US Marine Corps.

Day 12 - My Big SistaFACE

Today is my sister's 29th birthday.......right sista??? ;) So in honor of her day of birth, today I am thankful for her!
How do I love thee?? Let me count the ways...
Ok, I'm not a poet, but I will tell you 6 of the MANY reasons why I love my big sister.
1)Her BRAINS. She is so smart. Anything I have a question about I ask her. If she doesn't know the answer she will find it. She can research ANYTHING. It's very convenient for me. So thanks, sister, for being so smart!
2)Her LAUGH. She really is funny. She doesn't tell too many jokes because Patrick usually is really witty and jumps in, but when she does it is the cutest thing in the world! She tells a joke and the explosion of laughter that follows is priceless, and really is actually funny! I love it. Thanks, sister, for making me laugh.
3)Her GIVING HEART. She is always buying things for Ryot and will surprise me with little gifts every now and then. She has helped me and my family tremendously and I don't think I can EVER pay her back. I really love her for that. She really exemplifies Jesus and an attitude of service that I admire. Thank you, sister, for your sacrifices.
4)Her MOMMYNESS. She is a GREAT mom. I learned SO much about parenting, both the highlights and struggles from her. She loves her kids and has such structure and order that provides the safe and secure environment that children need. Caedi, Sean, and Gabe amaze me everyday and it just shows the time and effort that Coral puts into shepherding their hearts and really raising them. She has the perfect balance of cool mom, loving disciplanrian, smart teacher, encouraging cheerleader, nurturing nurse and a great example of God's love.
5)Her GORGEOUSNESS. From top to bottom, she is tall, blonde, and beautiful. Even on the days that she is just wearing sweatpants, she looks good. Patrick is one lucky mister! She looks better in her pj's than I do on Sunday morning. HAHA. I don't know how she does it. She has great style (some is not my style but I admire is all the same) She can put things together and match things that I woould have never thought. Sometimes she looks like she should be on the cover of a magazine. She can do things with her hair that looks professional and she makes it look SO EASY! My poor child is lucky to have pony tails that are the same height on her head. I don't know how she does it but I'm proud (a little self-conscious sometimes, but still proud) to stand by her side. Thanks, sister, for taking pride in how you look and really taking care of your temple. You look GREAT!
This brings me to number 6)Her LOVE for the LORD. She loves the Lord. There is no doubt about it. Her faith shines through everything she does and says. She is constantly pointing me to Christ for guidance and encouraging me in the things that I feel God is calling me to do. I love the example she is of Christ's love for her kids, friends and family. She is loving, patient, encouraging, kind, sometimes the iron that sharpens iron when I need it and well-versed in scripture. She battles life's bumps with the "sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (Eph 6:17b)
Thank you, sister, for being a light that shines brightly for God!

Committee Meeting: The Nap Bubble

I'm still pretty sick but I went to church this morning. Ryot fell asleep on the way home so I thought I could take a nap. Now 30 minutes later I am lying in bed wide awake because of this committee meeting I just had with myself:

*lying in bed thinking about how warm an comfortable I am*
Thought process:
I love my bed.
I love these blankets. They are so warm.
But it's not the blankets that are warm, it's my body heat being contained.
The blankets are acting like an incubator trapping all of my body heat so that I am warm and cozy.
Like a bubble. I'm in a blanket bubble.
But how do bubbles work?
Like if you blow a bubble in a warm car and then it floats outside where it's cold does it stay warm or is the wall of the bubble so thin that the air is whatever temperature surrounding the bubble?

Maybe I can try to nap again later...

Thankful November Days 8 & 9: Coffee and My Job

Thankful November Day 8- Coffee

My first job was working at a grocery store when I was 15 yrs old. When they stopped working with my school schedule, I started a search for a new job. I heard that Emerald Coast Coffee (no longer in business) was hiring...but I didn't like coffee. I didn't even like the smell of coffee. When I met with the owner to interview, I flat out told her I didn't like coffee. Thinking of it now, it probably wasn't the best approach, however, I got the job. I convinced her that because I didn't like coffee, I wouldn't be drinking all of it so she was really saving money by hiring me. I told her I was a good saleswoman and people would never know that I didn't like the stuff. She bought into my hype so I got the job. Soon I was promoted to a supervisory position and running the kitchen on Saturday mornings as well. Due to this, I needed a little extra energy. I was working A LOT and going to school so 5am came shockingly early. My coworkers started me out with adding a shot to my "frappe", then when I got used to that nasty taste I added another shot. I started liking this little bean and it gave me the little kick I desired for the early morning rush of breakfast clans and coffee addicts. As it started to get colder outside, the frappe's were not as enjoyable. So I added a shot to my hot chocolate one day...BAM - Mocha addict. Loved it. I started appreciating the flavor of the coffee bean and all the different ways you can mold the flavor to meet your craving.

At this point, my love was only for latte's (espresso and steamed milk) and not regular "drip" coffee. I have to credit my love for brewed coffee to my best friend, same-size buddy, Vanessa Smokin' Hot Elizabeth Van Patten. She makes the BEST coffee that I have ever tasted in my life and I'm sure it's because she puts so much LOVE into it just for me, right Bestie?

Long story short, I am addicted to coffee and am SO thankful that it is one of the little blessings I have in life. I know it is something small but when I think about the little things that just put a smile on my face, this is definitely one of them. I have so many fond memories working at Seattle Drip with my friends, having a hot cup of coffee staring at the CO mountains in the crisp morning air and all of the meaningful conversations I have had over nice cup o' Joe with friends. I do count it as a blessing in life and am so thankful for the little things like this that add sparkle to my life.

Day 9- My Job

Yes, my love for coffee comes before my love for my job. That might be messed up but an addicts life is never easy. :)

In all honesty, I am so thankful for my job. For the first time in a VERY long time I can say that I love my job. Most of the people I work with are pleasant. MY job requirements and expectations are clearly defined. I have respect. My knowledge and capabilities are recognized and celebrated. (I'm not saying this to sound conceited although I do think it comes off this way a little bit. I am not perfect. I make plenty of mistakes, but it is really nice that my bosses recognize that I do have valuable knowledge and experience that is a good asset to the company.) My bosses and coworkers trust me. They listen to my opinion and take my suggestions sometimes. They are flexible and understand that life gets in the way. They don't micromanage. (which is why I am able to write this blog right now) These are ALL things that I am soooo grateful for. God has blessed me so much with this opportunity to gain more experience and work with some really cool people. I feel confident when I come to work. I don't dread waking up in the morning. Sure, I miss my sweet angel Ryot, but loving my job just makes me love the time I get to spend with her more. I am so so so thankful that I have a place to come where I can be ME, play my Christian uplifting music, voice my opinion, leave for lunch (sometimes) and have a uplifting, positive, happy environment to make money.

I've heard it said, "Happy employees are productive employees" and I am a VERY productive employee.

Thankful November Days 6 & 7: Emotion and Chocolate

Thankful November Day 6- Capability of Emotion

I know this seems like a vague choice but it is one I am truly thankful for everyday. I am a people watcher. No, not a stalker. I'm just interested in how people think and react to one another. One of my favorite things to do is to take my journal, some good music, a nice warm cup of coffee and sit outside with a breeze at a park and just watch the world collide. I don't get to do that anymore but thats because I am busy watching my sweet angel face light up and explore which is gratifying on a whole better level. However, when we go out to eat as a family or when I have a chance to just sit back and observe I love to see the joy, sadness, stress, laughter, professionalism, suprise and just the business of the day happen. It puts my world into a different perspective. It helps me be grateful on a daily basis.

I am thankful for laughter. My husband is the BEST. He makes me laugh EVERYDAY. I've always said that if you can get a girl to laugh, you can get her to do anything. It was one of the factors that won me over. In fact, laughter is a major component in the relationships that I have the fondest memories of. My little big Cuz has me crying-laughing almost every single time I talk to her. My Bestie, my SW, my Jelly Bean, my Angel, my kiddos, my coworkers and some other relationships have the ability to laugh at themselves and make me laugh almost every time we speak. So grateful for laughter. It brightens up my life!

I am thankful for a healthy dose of fear that keeps me safe and grounded.

I am thankful for sadness because it is motivating. It helps me release stress, motivates me to be better and do better and it puts into perspective what I AM grateful for verses what I have to live without. My heart is broken for a lost nation. My heart is broken when my daughter is sick. I feel sad sometimes when I think about my mom not being here but then it motivates me to be a better mom and give my daughter the love that I desired from my mom growing up.

I am thankful for anger because it shows my passion and helps me keep my heart in check. When I get angry I can ask myself why I am angry and if it is righteous or sinful? I get angry that abortion rampant in our generation. I get angry when some people belittle me or treat me wrong at work. Anger helps check my response to see where my heart is.

I'm thankful for emotion because it means we are LIVING. Whether we agree with the emotion. Whether we are angry, happy, afraid or in deep sorrow, we are still feeling soemthing. We have been blessed with a wide range of emotions.


Thankful November Day 7- Chocolate

Mmmmmmmm I love chocolate. I really view it as one of God's gifts to mankind. I am not going to elaborate on this subject because there really is no need to. I think that in a lot of situations for all of the emotions listed above, chocolate is the answer. Dark Chocolate, most of the times, White Chocolate, rarely, but either way, CHOCOLATE. I love it. Brownies, chocolate candy, chocolate syrup, chocolate cake, chocolate mousse, chocolate icing, chocolate ice cream, chocolate eclairs and other pastries, chocolate shakes and malts, chocolate cheesecake and so on. It's delicious and life would be rather dull without it. I hope I don't randomly develop an allergy to the stuff, I would probably cry.

On that note, I'm going to go home and try to find something in my pantry that is choccolate and devour it. Good night!

I don't know!!!!!!!

I'm at the point now where I think im doing everything 'right' with the right motives and I'm taking the necessary precautions. And still nothing is changing and I'm thinking 'ok, God, what am I supposed to learn or change or do so that we can get over this mountain. I will do anything if youjust show me what it is.' so I guess I just wait. Feel better sweet Ryot. I wish there was more I could do! It breaks my heart that you aren't feeling well. I love you so much.

Thankful Nov Days 3-5:Children, Freedom & Health

Thankful November Day 3

I am so thankful for my children. We have a beautiful daughter, Ryot, who is 17 months old (tomorrow) and she lights up our life. She is our little miracle baby and I thank God for every moment we get blessed by her in our lives.

Then we are so blessed with Izzy and Vini. Izzabell is my spirited 8 year old step daughter. She is our susperstar. She sings all the time and is a leader. Everywhere we go she makes new "best friends" that follow her around. She has a kind heart, a giving spirit and is turning into a beautiful little diva! Vincint my charming 6 yr old stepson. He is so smart and so organized. He likes things a certain way and it is so cool to see the little wheels in his head turning when he figures out how something works. I remember bribing him a dollar to take his hat off for a picture to show his mohawk off. He is just so cool and knows it! He is going to be very rich one day. haha. I can't wait until we are in Colorado and get to be a bigger part of their lives. We love you so much Izzy and Vini!

Thankful November Day 4

I am so thankful for my freedom. I have freedom to worship the Lord, read His word, and speak freely what I believe. I read stories of foreign countries that don't have the ability to workship freely. It is so convicting to see their passion for the Lord. How do we not have the same passion when it is all readily available? How many people would be devastated and outraged if that freedom was taken away? All the more reason for us to use the time and opportunities we have to worship, seek and share the Lord! I know this is something that I am convicted of on a daily basis. Thank you Lord for my freedom.

Thankful November Day 5

I am thankful for my health. Now, I can tell you stories of weird seizure activity in 2008, Mono w/Labrynthitus, migraines, PCOS, endometriosis, preeclampsia, emergency C-sections, emergency Cholecystectomy (gall bladder removal), problems with my low-resting heart rate and other things that have "gone wrong" in my life. I have stories to tell and I have gone through some pretty painful stuff. But I am able to walk, talk, laugh, grow, understand, enjoy my children, breathe, think, see, hear, taste, feel and carry through life on a day to day basis with generally no pain. Sure I have bad days with my heart beating funny or my stomach hurting, but I'm alive. I get to spend time with my husband, children and other loved ones. I get to run and work out. I get to play with Ryot. I get to chase Izzy and Vini at the playground. I get to feel their kisses and hugs. I get to enjoy being outside with them. I get to experience life. For that, I am so thankful.


Today I am loving seeing my friends and family posting things about what they are thankful for. So far, it's all the obvious things in the range that I have posted. The things that matter....that is, of course, except for ZacAttack who is thankful for soft toilet paper. But then I guess that is his FREEDOM to be thankful for whatever he wants...and since I am thankful for freedom, more power to you brother!

Thankful November, Day 1 & 2

The unthankful heart discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!
- Henry Ward Beecher

Thankful November makes me feel guilty. It all goes back to the head to heart disconnect I so often deal with. In my head I think that I should be thankful all the time and it doesn't compute to me why I forget. In my heart I feel guilty and know that sometimes I just get wrapped up in stress about life and forget to be thankful for what I have. So I am not going to feel guilty about not being as thankful as I should. I'm just going to start now and continue this pattern of thankfulness throughout the next year. And WHEN I fail to be thankful, because I will, I must simply recognize my failure, turn over my imperfect heart to God and start fresh. It wouldn't be grace if we deserved a second chance. So this brings me to Day 1 AND Day 2 of Thankful November.

DAY 1 - My Salvation
I don't even know where to beign except to say that I am beyond humbled and blessed and thankful for my amazing God who saw fit to have mercy on me. I have never experienced more love, satisfaction and true joy than in His presence. My life is forever changed all because of Jesus. All the things that I stress me out, all the things that I worry about, all the things that make me mad, sad, happy, fearful, etc can all be given to God and in His sovereignty "all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

I remember that first moment. I remember when I called out to God. Actually at the time it was more out of necessity, reverance and fear of the Almighty God than a sweet love for Him. I remember that night very well. At this point I had been living with my Aunt and Uncle for 2 years in San Antonio, TX. (Side Note: I always thought I was 12, but we lived in San Antonio only until I was 10 so I had to have been 10.) I remember we were talking about death, what happens when you die and seeing all our loved ones again someday. I remember that time stopped in that moment. Was my mom in heaven? or hell? Was I ever going to get to see her again? I remember thinking that I didn't want to go to hell, but I knew I deserved it. I remember crying so hard and begging God to have mercy on me. (probably not in those words, but in that general mindset) I remember knowing in that instant that I was loved and cherished and chosen. I remember not being scared of hell anymore. I remember not being concerned about seeing my mom again at that point because I knew that I wasn't going to hell and that was what mattered. It was the happiest, most perfect day of my life...the day that God got a hold of my heart and made me His child. Thank you, Abba Father. I love you.


DAY 2 - My Husband
He's funny. He's smart. He's handsome. He's charming. He's a great dancer. He is witty. He is knowledgeable in all movies and music. He loves his kids. He's a mastermind poker player. He is a great leader. He has good style...most of the time. He is caring. He is strong. He is sexy. He is my personal heater. He is my adorable sleepy robot.

I turned around in my seat that day and saw his smile; His dimples melted me to a puddle of mush. A few weeks later he turned up the music, pulled me out of the car one evening and danced with me in the middle of the parking lot. A few weeks later he tucked my hair behind my ear, kissed me and told me he found what he had been looking for. A few months later he got down on one knee with shaky hands and the sweetest smile and told the British couple next to us that he was "going to marry this girl" and asked "will you"? A couple months later we said "I do" with a very grumpy old man and a simple white sun dress and flip flops. A year and a half later we welcomed our miracle into the world, sweet Ryot. Almost a year later our marriage was rocked in the worst way and over the months God saw us through and gave me the answer to my prayer for so many years with Brian's salvation. (PRAISE GOD) A couple months later God drew Brian even closer to His side and revealed to us our purpose as a couple and individuals with the call to ministry. Now we are waiting patiently once again to be reunited and to be able to dive head first into the next chapter of our lives together. The important thing being that we are TOGETHER and following God's will for our lives. Hence, one of our songs, "Better Together" by Jack Johnson.

I love my Savior. I love my husband. I am blessed.

Foggy Ramblings and Rockstar Ronan

My mind is so jumbled right now so I have a couple things that I want to write out.

1. UPDATE ON FOOD SITUATION
I can't say that I feel so much better because if it's not one thing, it's the next...I have been hacking and coughing and sneezing and sniffling. Both Ryot and I have been sick actually. We have been keeping each other company and a LOT of snuggle time has transpired. BUT I can say that my stomach feels SO much better! I have been eating according to my boundaries...most of the time...and can say that I have not had any painful episodes since I began! The boundaries are in place for a reasona and if I follow them I am a happy camper.

There are some things that I crave and it's hard to not get a little pouty that I can't have that big glass of milk or cheesecake or pineapple slices...mmmmmmmmm but the pain induced afterwards is TOTALLY not worth it. So, for the first time I got fresh sliced deli meat which is so much more delicious than the other stuff I used to get. I got Organic, dairy-free, lactose-free milk (if you can even call it milk after the prefacing adjectives). I used to drink milk by the glass. yummm, but I don't like this stuff by itself so I just use it to cook with and for cereal. I have noticed a HUGE difference. I used to drink coffee all the time and I have found that I can't cut it out completely, but I will treat myself every now and then and it is delicious! I'm finding that if I just cut back and the majority of the time eat what is on my approved list, in smaller portions and drink a lot of water my stomach doesn't hurt and I can function more.

2. BABY FEVER MADNESS
I have been watching FB friends through their pregnancies and having their babies. I have been watching youtube videos of newborns smiling at only a week old. I have been watching gender reveal videos and reactions of people when they find out their loved one is pregnant with a sweet baby or babies. The only explanantion is that I have baby fever. But this is nothing new. I have ALWAYS had baby fever. I have had baby fever since I could remember. Being a mom is the only "occupation" that I have ever been completely sure about. I love Ryot and Izzy and Vini. I love every moment I spend with them. They are such a blessing and to share parenthood with my amazing husband is what I have dreamt of. I have always wanted to get married and have a ton of babies.

Now to clarify, I am a working mom...a full-time working mom. I wish that I could stay home but that is not a possibility for me at this time. So I will cherish every minute that I have with my angel. I will do the dishes after she goes to sleep. I will sacrifice going to the gym so that I can spend that extra hour with her. I will dance even when people think I'm crazy. I will sing to her even though I don't have an American Idol voice. I will hold her and rock her and love her for longer than I'm "supposed to" because she is my baby and she is only going to be this little for so long. I could talk for hours and hours about how amazing my sweet little angels are. Ryot is so strong-willed and independent which makes her hugs and kisses just that more meanginful. Her smile lights up my whole life. Izzy is so bubbly and full of life. She sings like an angel and has so much passion for the people around her. Vini is so methodical and has the most contagious laugh I have ever heard. He is so smart and such a charmer. And if I'm honest, which I am, I would say I want more. I want more hands to hold and mouths to feed. I want more smiles and giggles and love. I want to raise an army of little hearts and minds on fire for the Lord. I want to cradle another little one and sing them to sleep. The pain, the restlessness, the worry, the stress, the lack of comfort, the widening waistline is ALL WORTH IT when I look into their eyes. I have been blessed!

To clarify something else, when asked how many kids I want, my typical answer is "as many as we can afford". I say this knowing that if God blesses us with another little one, He will provide for that new little one and our family as a whole. I'm not in the business of creating more stress. I just have a passion for little ones and wish that I could give all of them homes. I wish that I had a big home to house all of the little ones who don't have a loving family. I wish I could adopt every little kid in the world....but I obviously can't do that right now. So I will just pray that God directs my passion to the area that will give Him glory, and I'm going to stop watching so many videos of little ones so I don't get sad that I don't have that little miracle growing in me right now. Everything happens in God's perfect timing.

3. ROCKSTAR RONAN
I had to save this one for last for fear that I wouldn't get everything all out that I wanted to. Ronan has changed my life. Ronan is a little angel with the most beautiful eyes and beautiful spirit that lives on. I have been reading Maya Thompson's blog about Ronan and his horrible and beautiful story of life and love. I look at picture of my sweet angels and am so grateful for every moment that I am given. My heart breaks every day for Maya, Woody, Liam, Quinn and the little Poppy girl. I cry...at work...reading her blog and I share Ronan's story with everyone. No parent should ever have to go through what they are going through. No big brothers should ever have to miss their little brother. They should be teasing him. They should be teaching him how to dunk the basketball. They should be making crazy videos. But they aren't because Ronan is an angel.

Those who know me know that my mom took her life when I was 8. I had good and bad memories with my mom but in an 8 yr old mind, the good memories definitely outweigh the bad. Growing up without her was hard even I had people surrounding me with love and constant positivity. My pregnancy was the hardest. She should have been there. I should have been able to ask her questions and taken her to the ultrasound appointment. We should have had conversations about whether she was going to be Grandma or Nana or Gigi. But we didn't. I would not go back and change anything because I know that God has me where I am for a reason. I am grateful for all the things that I have been through and still trust him on a daily basis to gain happiness and joy from him and not my circumstances or emotions. Now having my own child, I wrestle with anger more than the hurtful side of my mom's decision. I can't even bring myself to try to imagine leaving Ryot. She is a miracle. She is an angel. She is a part of me. I love her more than anything on this earth. The thought of her being taken away from me is devastating. So I think with my love for Ryot and my past experience of losing my mom just make Ronan's story like a dagger to my heart. Maya is honest and transparent, something I aspire to be. She is open and ruthless in her emotions. She is beautiful and such a wonderful inspiration. I pray that God will give her peace and reveal himself to her. I pray for safety over her family. I pray that God will continually give me a grateful spirit and help me overlook the things that might be stressful or annoying at the time.

God is good all the time. I am so grateful for grace.

Don't take one second for granted. Kiss your loved ones. Say you're sorry.

Cherish EVERY moment.

Painful lack of gallbladder

I can't live like this anymore. I can't do it. Everyday I'm uncomfortable. Everyday I'm in pain. Some days are worse than others. Most says I can manage the pain and I throw on a smile to push through it so nobody notices. But I don't want to be uncomfortable anymore.

So, hello Google!

I searched a ton of different things that coul be causing discomfort and what it all points back to is my diet. When I got my gallbladder out, my Doctor said that after a couple months I could eat whatever I wanted. Yeah but he didn't tell me that I would pay major consequences for not watching what I eat and follow a restrictive diet.

Here are the lists of the foods to avoid:
-strongly flavored spices and condiments
-caffeine containing beverages (includes decaf and caff
Coffee)
-tomatoes
-citric juices (cranberry, orange juice, pineapple juice)
-fatty foods(fried meats, deli meats, potato chips, French fries, fatty or fried pastries like donuts)
-alcoholic drinks
-dairy products (whole milk, butter, cheese)
-high fat salad dressing
-gas forming veggies (broccoli, Brussels sprouts,cabbage,garlic,onion, cauliflower, turnips, pickles.

Here is a listof foods to include:
-caffeine free tonics
-all lean, tenders meats
-skinless poultry
-fish
-eggs
-low fat/skim milk products
-eggs
-soy beans (including tofu)
-white/brown rice
-pasta
-veggies except everything listed on that list


So time for a compete life change!!!!

Priorities In Love

He told his wife that he had a crazy idea. He was going to ride his bike across country, from California to Maine, to raise money for women and orphans. He would do shows in the different cities and all the proceeds would go to raise money. She burst into tears and his heart sank thinking it was a horrible thought. Then she said "I can just tell that you are following what God is telling you to do. When you follow God I fall even more in love with you. I just wish I could go with you." (Mark Schultz's conversation with his wife a couple years ago)

I don't care if my husband has a 6 pack.
I don't care if he makes a million dollars.
I don't care if he is famous.
I don't care if he has a beautiful singing voice.
I don't care if he is a genius.
I don't care if he has the best dance moves.

I fall more in love with him when he prays for and with me.
I fall more in love with him when he shares with me what God is teaching him.
I fall more in love with him when he serves me and Ryot.
I fall more in love with him when he is loving and patient.
I fall more in love with him when he is encouraging.
I fall more in love with who he is and who God is shaping him to be everyday.




PS> My husband does have the BEST dance moves!

Asking For Clarity

Happy Friday to you! I got Starbucks this morning and it was DELICIOUIS! There is just something marvelous about drinking a hot cup of coffee - preferrably a triple shot - in the morning. It gives me a little boost I enjoy and just tickles my tastebuds with delight. Normally I am not too thrilled about fridays at work because it is payday for my employees. There is usually a lot of conflict and interesting questions like "Why do I have to pay my back child support?" or "How could I have turned my timesheet in if I was in jail?" UGH! So to boost my spirits and my patience I got a nice cup of Joe. (A.D.D. moment - why do they call it a cup of Joe? I have no idea. I will have to look it up. Thank you, society slang, for igniting my curiosity. Google, I will visit you in a moment.) Enough of the A.D.D, now on to the intelligent part of my brain...

A couple Sundays ago, a question was answered that I have thought about so many times. Now, I can't exactly tell you what question was asked because I was still thinking about a point that had been made a few minutes earlier. I only heard Jason's answer, "No." That, unfortunately, doesn't help you much so I will ellaborate. Jason and other members in our Sunday school went on to explain that we can't question God's decisions and His will to give to favor to some and not to others. So many times I have asked myself things like:

"Aren't we ALL God's children?"
"Doesn't God love everyone?"

I think the first time that it really hit me was a couple years ago when I was reading the story when Moses was freeing the Israelites from Pharoh's slavery in Egypt. The Bible says in Exodus 4:21 that God hardened Pharoh's heart. I was truly astonished when I read this. I mean, how could God do this? I expected God to be this loving Father drawing people towards Him not purposefully hardening their hearts. Then I was lead to Romans 9:14-24, which really helps explain this for me.

Romans 9:14-24
"14 What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! 15 For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” 16 So then it depends not on human will or exertion,[b] but on God, who has mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” 18 So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.

19 You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” 20 But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” 21 Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? 22 What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, 23 in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory— 24 even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?

God made me human, with a big heart. If everything that happens in life is for God's glory, then we have to surrender even this human element that we were created with to God. I have always wanted to believe in happy endings but God's design of a happy ending is His glory, not my fairytale. Do I believe that God's glory is the most important thing? Yes. Do I believe God is Sovereign and sustains every person, thoughts, action, natural disaster, orbit, etc. (everything) Yes. God is perfect. God is sovereign. Therefore His choices and decisions are perfect even if we don't understand them.

Could it be - far beyond my capacity of understanding - that God creates certain people and happenings for the sole purpose of his glory even if it completely negates everything that we think is "supposed" to happen and be?

And if this is the case, then instead of praying for God to change His mind, should we not pray that our mind be transformed to understanding His will?

I do not have all the answers. I'm still perplexed by this concept and seeking God for clarity. But I figure, if I knew all the answers there would be no reason for faith. So I trust that God is Sovereign and I take relief in the fact that I don't have to know all the answers.

So far, I like this journey. :) I am so grateful that God reveals himself to a puney little "ant" (to steal Jason's term) like me. I hope that I can get more clarity in the future, but if I don't I am so blessed beyond measure at what I have already been entrusted with. All the praise and glory goes to our perfect, forgiving, all-knowing, Savior. :) Again, Happy FRIDAY TO YOU!

When Conflict Arises

Dr. Chapman – The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted
Part 2 – When Conflict Arises

Ok, on to Part 2 of my marriage conference posts…which just seems so appropriate since I’m currently so frustrated and upset in a conflict that looks like it has no solution. Funny how it works out that way, huh?

There will eventually be more posts on this marriage conference but don't hold your breath because I'm not ready to go through those yet. This one here is a big enough pill to swallow for now.

To quickly recap – There are 3 levels of communication. This 1st being day to day events including what you do, who you talk to, who you hang out with, etc. These are no brainer facts about your day. To connect with your spouse over these things would be to include the feeling behind it. For example, you could say that you talked to a group of coworkers about evolution vs creation and it made you feel accomplished for being firm in your faith and explaining your views on God’s creation. You have just told your spouse a fact and a feeling which let them in your heart and mind. Men, your wife will feel like you care and want them to be a part of your thought process. It’s a simple and yet helpful thing to encourage and increase ease of communication in your marriage. Good communication on the little things helps IMMESNELY with the big issues. Remember a Fact AND a Feeling. Muy Importante.

The 2nd level of communication is making decisions: from the simple – what to wear – to more in depth – where to go to church or how to raise your kids. This is also pretty easy but requires communication. Wives, men can NOT read your minds and do not know where you want to eat that night if you don’t tell them. Men, wives can NOT read your minds and do not know that you would rather stay at home and not spend the money. Communicate with them in a discussion-based manner and it will make life so much easier. DON’T ASSUME that they know what you are thinking.

This brings us to the 3rd level of communication: Conflict. Often when a conflict arises, it stems from a lack of communication. Everyone has been in a conflict so I do not need to give an example…and I’m not prepared to give the example that I’m in now because it isn’t resolved so I don’t think I would be very objective. So, on to how to effectively accomplish this complicated level of communication…
1. Deal with the Anger
A. Take a temporary timeout. This timeout should be 30 minutes to 1 hour, not 3 months or 3 years. This should just be a period to cool off and simmer down. If I’m honest, sometimes I need that full hour. Sometimes I feel like my blood is just boiling and a timeout lets me just take some deep breaths and get to the heart of the issue.
Proverbs 30:33 For pressing milk produces curds, pressing the nose produces blood, and pressing anger produces strife.
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger
*Ugh, failed that one last night. :(
B. Examine your Anger.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Why am I angry? Is it the way he talks? How he looks at me when he is talking? The tone in his voice? Is it his body language? Or is it what he is actually saying?
2. After the timeout, take turns talking.
Take 5 minutes each to completely explain what you are saying and how you are feeling with NO INTERRUPTING. Don’t yell, this is a time to explain your case completely – in 5 minutes. When your 5 minutes is up, let the other person talk completely for 5 minutes with NO INTERRUPTING. This will help cut down name calling, assumptions, hanging up and will help turn down the heat. You can now have an organized conversation about differences verses a boxing match.
3. Practice Listening.
You have to actually listen to the other person to resolve the argument. When it is their turn to talk really listen to what they are saying so that some sort of progress can be made.
4. Listen to the facts AND the feelings.
This is a big one for me. Dr. Chapman gave a GREAT example. I’m going to try to explain it as best I can because I think it illustrates this point perfectly. He used the example of a wife being upset that the husband hasn’t called and said that he is going to be late. The conversation might go something like this:
*Husband walks in the door*
Wife: You never call me to tell me when you are going to be late! You have been an hour late every day this week! How am I supposed to know if you are in a hundred pieces on the highway or still working? The kids were hungry, we were waiting for you. The food was getting cold and I didn’t know whether to feed them or wait for you. Don’t you care about us?
Husband: I’m working hard for you and this is how you greet me right when I walk in the door? I wasn’t an hour late every day, on Wednesday I was only 30 minutes late. That’s what you always do…exaggerate and make me the bad guy. And what do you mean, “do I care about you?” Of course I care about you, that’s why I’m working so dang hard to provide for you and the kids and this is the thanks I get? I should have just stayed there if this is what I have to listen to everyday.
*Husband walks back out the door and wife cries. Later he comes back in and she is already asleep. He sleeps on the couch and goes to work the next day with nothing ever being resolved. Wife doesn’t want to argue again so she doesn’t say anything and just feels bitter.*

This isn’t exactly the example he gave but it was something to that design. Dr. Chapman went on to explain the back side of the hearts and minds of the husband and wife that they didn’t accurately express to one another. The husband in this example may think that if he stops the client meeting he is in to call his wife to tell her that he is going to be late, that he will lose the sale. He has an urgent need to provide for his family and can’t lose the sale so he doesn’t call. The wife is feeling unloved and pushed aside. She feels like he values work more than he values his family but instead of expressing that to him, she blows up and mixes feelings with facts clouding what the real issue is.

In this instance, both parties need to not blow up at the facts but listen to the feelings. The wife was feeling scared because she didn’t know if he was still working or if he had gotten in an accident because she hadn’t heard from him. She was feeling unsure if she should feed the kids or wait until he got there because she has an urgent need to take care of the well-being of the family. She is feeling unloved because she doesn’t know where his priorities lie. The conversation could have been transformed from an argument to a simple conversation if they would have listened to the feelings instead of blowing up at the facts.
5. Seek to understand.
If you want to resolve the issue, you have to try to figure out why they feel the way they do before you can figure out how to change the situation. How you do that is #6.
6. Express understanding.
This is key to me. I know that often times we don’t feel like the other person understands where we are coming from or why we are upset. This step is simple. All you do is re-explain in your own words how you think they are feeling to show that you understand.
Example: I understand that it makes you feel unloved when I don’t call you to tell you that I’m going to be late from work. Or, I understand that you are working hard to provide for our family and don’t want to lose the sale by calling me. This will show the other person that you care about understanding them and will help you find a solution.
7. Ask what can I do to help? And How can we solve this problem?
This will turn the conversation into the 2nd level of communication – Decision Making –versus the 3rd level – Conflict. This way you can decide how to solve the problem instead of pointing fingers and getting mad at the FEELINGS behind the problems.

There are no conflicts that CAN’T be resolved.
There are, however, conflicts that WON’T be resolved.

Humans don’t have the same feelings and thoughts. We were created this way. Realize that you have a conflict, lay it on the table (5 minutes at a time without interrupting), acknowledge that you understand the other and come up with a solution. That is so simple to say, and so hard to do! It is so easy to get caught up in the feelings.

Dr. Chapman made a good, and funny, point. If you win an argument, that means the other person is the loser…and it’s no fun being with a loser, so why create one?

Overcoming Communication Barriers
1. Learn his interests – poker, football, classic rock.
Even if the man doesn’t like you, he will probably talk to you for hours about football. Just don’t ask him questions DURING The game. (Dr. Chapman cracks me up)
2. Ask his advice
3. Check your own input
4. Share a Book
I bet some men are cringing at the thought, but this will help improve your communication. If you read 1 chapter a week, then pick one day and share one thing you learned or found interesting for one hour between the two of you, it will help better your communication. I know I would love to do this with Brian. For me it would be a window into his soul. I would get the chance to see how he thinks and processes information. It would be fascinating for me. Might be the same for you.
5. Apologize
This one is tricky. I need to buy and read Dr. Chapman’s book 'The Five Languages of Apology'. I know that this is an area that I struggle with and my relationship definitely does not have good communication in this area. A sneak peek of the 5 languages is HERE.
6. Meet Sexual Needs
There is a positive correlation between verbal communication and sexual needs.
7. Pray Together
I believe that if both of you are praying for and with each other that there is no way that your communication won’t improve. God will shape you and help you better your relationship to treat each other more like Christ would.

Communication Techniques
1. Repeat what the other person says.
When Dr. Chapman first said this point I was skeptical. I hate repeating myself and I thought that it would just cause frustration but the example he gave was hilarious and helped it make sense. This is not the exact example he gave, but it communicates the thought process effectively:

Husband: I’m quitting my job!
Wife: Honey, are you telling me that you want to quit your job?
Husband: Well my boss is so ridiculous and I can’t stand him!
Wife: So are you saying that you don’t get along with your boss?
Husband: We just had this last minute project that is really going to be impossible.
Wife: So are you saying that you don’t think you can finish the project in time?
Husband: I’m just overworked and stressed.
Wife: Are you saying that you work too much?
Husband: I know that I have to provide for you and the family and I can’t quit my job. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am just so tired, honey. I just don’t want to go anywhere tonight.

From I’m quitting my job to I’m tired. Now, that conversation could have spun out of control into a huge argument. When he said that he was quitting his job, the wife could have panicked and told him that they can’t afford for him to quit and given him a lecture with a bunch of other reasons. But by her just repeating what he was saying, she found out that he was just venting about being tired and didn’t want to go anywhere. Crisis averted. Now, Dr. Chapman did make a good point with this. Don’t take it overboard. It can get really annoying if you literally repeat EVERYTHING the person says. But use of this concept in moderation can be very effective to improving communuication.
2. Rate your feelings. Zero to Ten…answer in only a number.
I REALLY want to start using this in my conversations with Brian. It is so easy to get lost in the mix up of how someone really feels. The word fine to a man can mean that everything is ok, when the word fine to a woman can mean that she just gives up and doesn’t want to argue anymore.
Hey Hun, zero to ten, do you want to eat out tonight?
Hey Hun, zero to ten, do you want to see *this* movie?
When you use numbers to classify how you feel it helps clarify the real feelings instead of receiving mixed messages.

I know this is long and if you stuck through this blog post, your brain is probably overloaded with scenarios in your own life. That is how it worked for me. I was taking notes on how I can change my communication and hopefully decrease the amount of arguments. I believe that even if you only put to use one of these techniques, the communication in your marriage will be a ton more effective. My goal is to reduce the amount of level 3 communication – conflicts – to level 2 communication – decision making.

Now…if only I could figure out how to do that in my current situation…

How scary!! So, why not?

Driving to work this morning I was humming/mumbling/sort of singing the words "Love Come to Life" by Big Daddy Weave on KSBJ. Then I heard these lyrics that stopped me in my tracks:

"Bring your love to life inside of me
Why don’t you break my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet"

I turned down the music just so I could sort through my thoughts. I have heard this song a hundred times. (Ok, not literally a hundred, but you get my point) Everytime that I listen to it, I immediately hear phrases like "Would you reignite this heart spark here in the dark" and "For the hopeless and the broken for the ones that don’t know that you love them, Bring your love to life inside of me". But today was different. I had no problem before singing those words without a second glance, but today I thought, what a dangerous prayer! You are asking God to break your heart? Why would someone do that?
This would take complete trust in God.
This could cost you comfort.
This could shake your world.

Let me stop here and back up to Sunday night. I was listening to KSBJ, as always, and Jennie Allen was the guest speaker. Jennie Allen is an amazing woman of God, author of a couple Bible studies and a new book called "Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul". I listened to her talk on the radio about a dangerous prayer that changed her life. Jennie and her husband, Zac who is a pastor at Austin Stone Community Church, prayed one night that they would do anyting for God. Did you catch that? ANYTHING. They were giving God everything they had. Their hopes, emotions, fears, materials, futures - Everything. It is a scary thought to let go of our control, or better put, our facade that we have control. Then she said something that the Holy Spirit grabbed and used to stir my heart. She said (and I paraphrase) that sometimes the thing that we are most afraid, nervous or negative about doing is the very thing that God is pushing us to do. It means that we have to put our complete reliance in Him. All day I can talk about how God is Sovereign, but is my faith only words or am I putting my faith into action by giving him complete control of my life and well-being?

This brings me back to this morning. When I heard that phrase "Break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet" I immediately thought of Jennie Allen. My thoughts spiraled into other thoughts that bumped into feelings creating more feelings. What if this was my prayer? What if I really truly asked God to break my heart until it moved my hands and feet? That would mean that I would hurt for those hurting and be angry about injustice. That would mean that my finances would be used for more than Christmas presents and daily comforts. That would mean that my conversation would be about raising awareness and spreading the great message of God's love and the gift of salvation. Put pretty simply, that would mean my life would look more like Christ.

I smile now as I wonder if you will catch yourself the next time you say something is too hard, scary, dangerous, costly, etc. I wonder if you will let it stop you in your tracks OR if you will be pushed by the Holy Spirit to ask the next question.....

WHY NOT?

Isaiah 6:8 And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”