Worrying...

Last week, my brother in law was talking to me about Philippians. He was encouraging me to read through it as he had gained so much insight and encouragement from his own devotionals. This Sunday, my Sunday school teacher was talking about the enemies of Unity in the church. The 1st enemy is the world, the 2nd enemy is the devil and the 3rd enemy was myself. He spoke about how the Bible calls us to be anxious in nothing and to trust that God is in control. He said that worrying takes your time and energy away from what you should be doing and really takes away from God's sovereignty. One thing that i added to my thoughts was that not only does it take away from my fellowship with God but it takes away from my witness and testimony to others. Now bear with me because these two things do coincide at some point... :)

Well this morning I didn't quite know where to start in my quiet time with God...so I defaulted to Biblegateway.com. The verse of the day was Philippians 1:29 "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him". I just said, Ok God I will read Philippians today. So I started out in the beginning because I know it is a letter so I wanted to read it in context. Memorizing scripture is great and I think necessary, but when you get a letter do you just pick a sentence out in the middle? No, you read the whole thing. So I decided to read the whole thing...well at least the 1st chapter. But when I got done with the first chapter the last verse of Philippians is 1:30 "since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have." I couldn't just stop there! It says, now hear what I still have and I'm not a big fan of cliff hangers so I read through chapter 2:1-4 and stopped. Then it kinda connected for me. The first chapter he is greeting the people of the church of Philippi. He is explaining his situation of being in jail. He isn't complaining about being in chains or begging anyone to come and save him. He is still encouraging them from captivity! He tells them that what has happened to him is actually serving to advance the gospel. He is telling the people that the guards are hearing that he is in chains because of his belief in Christ and that others are now preaching because of his example. He says that some people are preaching out of selfish ambition to try to cause trouble for him but he says that he rejoices because Christ is still being preached. When I read that I kinda laughed. I mean, seriously, how awesome is that? He is in chains, away from his friends and family and the church that he loves. I'm sure that the church of Philippi is worried sick about him. I would be worried if my Pastor was in jail, who wouldn't be, right? Paul wasn't. Paul wasn't worried at all. He saw it as another path that God was leading him down to spread the gospel.

This brings me back to the subject of worrying. I like to be in control. I like to know that all my ducks are in a row, everything is organized and I know what is going to happen next. I am a planner. I make lists. I make lists of my lists. It's ridiculous. Right now, my life is in a state of almost constant chaos. I am living out of boxes. And I can't even unpack all of those boxes because I am living in someone else's house! AND I wont even be able to unpack those boxes because we are going to be moving to a different house in a couple of months. With my financial situation and the divorce and new job and bills and start up costs, etc, I can't just jump out to be on my own right now. So needless to say, I worry. I worry about the menial stuff like finances and work and I worry about the bigger stuff like the emotional state and upbringing of my baby girl. I know things worked differently back in Paul's time. He didn't have a cell phone bill or a car payment, but I am not living on the street eating bread and fish either...our lives are completely different and yet our God is still the same. He provides for me just as He provided for Paul. Paul had plenty to worry about by the world's standards. But Paul was writing FROM CHAINS to encourage and comfort the people who were continuing to go about their every day business. Imagine if Paul had been worrying. Imagine if he had been pacing the floors banging on the door "Let me out of here! I can't believe this is happening! I didn't do anything wrong! You are violating my rights!" Imagine if he was crying out to God "Why me? Why is this happening? I just want to go home." How much time and energy would that take away from sharing the gospel? I believe our purpose as Christians on this earth is to glorify God. (Purpose meaning: The reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.) If we really whole-heartedly believe that the reason we even exist is to glorify God then there is no other option that to rejoice in every situation that happens because God has allowed it to happen for His glory. Paul didn't waste time worrying. He sent a letter home to his friends, family and the church to tell them to preach the gospel. He was saying, don't worry about me. Don't you see that this is all to advance the gospel? He was pointing out that the most important thing on this earth is bringing glory to God.

I have cried out to God. I have cried, no SOBBED at His feet. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. The Bible says that He is our comfort. He urges us to come to Him. He has given us hearts and allowed us to feel. He knows that we are human. But when we have cried out to Him and drawn hear at His feet. We can't waste another minute. He has called us to be His messengers. He has given us a task that we must accomplish. I have had many amazing people reach out to me during this crazy turn in my path. I have asked advice from other single moms and cried out to them for comfort. They could not have been that witness and example for me if they had been through the same heart ache. I know that God is going to use this for good. Just as Paul said that people are sharing the gospel because he was in chains, well now I am sharing the gospel and my experiences and thoughts. If I hadn't gone through this, I would not be able to share in the heart ache and the redemption and healing. I am grateful that God cared about me enough to draw me closer to Him...even if it is through this tough time. So it doesn't matter how the gospel is shared, the important part is that it is being shared.

I am no saint. I am DEFINITELY not perfect. I am a work in progress and I am learning how God wants to use this in my life and the lives of those around me. I'm still hurting. I still cry. I still look at my sweet little girl and wonder and hope that she will gain her validation from Christ instead of trying to feel worthy from a man. But those moments are fleeting. They go just as quickly as they come because I know that God is my provider. Maybe he will bring someone in my life down the road that I can share with them my experiences and my love for Christ. Maybe this blog will be used as a guide for a sweet girl when she gets older. Maybe the hurt and the pain that I'm feeling needed to happen to get me to that extreme point of exhaustion where the only other place to go was God. I don't know all of God's plans. But I do know that like Paul, I am rejoicing. I am rejoicing that God will be glorified. I am rejoicing that I now have another way to reach out to people so that they can see an example of His provision. I am excited that God wants to use me in this way. I could have carried on in my life still trying to gain validation and love from a man, but God wants something better for me. He wants my love and my affection and wants to give that same love and affection back to me! He wants to use me. He was not satisfied leaving me as just a blob trying to find joy in menial things. I have a purpose and it is definitely not to worry about things that I have no control over.

So through this all, I can say that God is being glorified and He is drawing me closer to Him every day. So even though it was and is still painful at times, it is worth it. Philipians 1:19 "for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."

Transparency

Transparent according to webster is:
A. free from pretense or deceit : frank
B. easily detected or seen through : obvious
C. readily understood
D. characterized by visibility or accessibility of information especially concerning business practices

So in order to learn everything that I can and be a learning tool for those around me, and my daughter in the future, I have decided to be transparent. Completely open and honest about what I'm feeling no matter how pathetic, embarrassing, or completely wrong I may be.

Today in conversing with my still-husband-but-hopefully-soon-to-be-ex, he told me that he is in love with the girl that he started dating the day after I posted on facebook that we were no longer together....which to lay it out plainly means that they obviously were dating long before that....ANYWAYS, he intends on marrying her and moving to Washington to be with her...and her FOUR kids.

Here is where the completely wrong point of view comes through which is just the broken heart speaking. I hope that he does move. I hope that he moves to Washington as far north in Washington as he can go. I hope that he gets a job so he can pay child support to Ryot and Izzy and Vini but that he never gets a promotion so that he can't afford to visit. I hope that he decides that he doesn't want to be a part of our lives so that I don't have to deal with him ever again. Is that whats best for Ryot? I don't know. Would I ever purposefully hinder a relationship with Ryot and her dad? As long as he isn't a danger to her, no. But I can dream....

How could I have been so blind? How could I not see that he was starting a relationship with someone else. I knew that we had arguments and issues but I wanted to work through them...not find someone to replace him.

So where am I? What am I doing? What am I thinking?

I am currently sitting at an empty table in a quiet house. I feel like the whole world is caving in on me. But what I feel and what I know are two different things. I know that my God is a jealous God and wants my heart to beat for Him. My heart didn't break that I didn't spend my quiet time with Him this morning, but it did break when Brian would neglect time with me. Saying that God is a jealous God is a blanket statement but an interesting concept when you put it in terms you can really grasp.... So what happens now? Now I wait. I pray and I wait for guidance and comfort. And I keep my head up by reminding myself of truth. I am chosen. I am loved. I am not judged. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And not only made, but created with gifts and talents meant only for me to serve a purpose in the body of Christ. I am here for a purpose and that is to glorify God. Yes, I am heartbroken, but in the big picture, what am I supposed to learn? How is this situation glorifying God? If it isn't glorifying God, how can I make it glorify God?