My mind is so jumbled right now so I have a couple things that I want to write out.
1. UPDATE ON FOOD SITUATION
I can't say that I feel so much better because if it's not one thing, it's the next...I have been hacking and coughing and sneezing and sniffling. Both Ryot and I have been sick actually. We have been keeping each other company and a LOT of snuggle time has transpired. BUT I can say that my stomach feels SO much better! I have been eating according to my boundaries...most of the time...and can say that I have not had any painful episodes since I began! The boundaries are in place for a reasona and if I follow them I am a happy camper.
There are some things that I crave and it's hard to not get a little pouty that I can't have that big glass of milk or cheesecake or pineapple slices...mmmmmmmmm but the pain induced afterwards is TOTALLY not worth it. So, for the first time I got fresh sliced deli meat which is so much more delicious than the other stuff I used to get. I got Organic, dairy-free, lactose-free milk (if you can even call it milk after the prefacing adjectives). I used to drink milk by the glass. yummm, but I don't like this stuff by itself so I just use it to cook with and for cereal. I have noticed a HUGE difference. I used to drink coffee all the time and I have found that I can't cut it out completely, but I will treat myself every now and then and it is delicious! I'm finding that if I just cut back and the majority of the time eat what is on my approved list, in smaller portions and drink a lot of water my stomach doesn't hurt and I can function more.
2. BABY FEVER MADNESS
I have been watching FB friends through their pregnancies and having their babies. I have been watching youtube videos of newborns smiling at only a week old. I have been watching gender reveal videos and reactions of people when they find out their loved one is pregnant with a sweet baby or babies. The only explanantion is that I have baby fever. But this is nothing new. I have ALWAYS had baby fever. I have had baby fever since I could remember. Being a mom is the only "occupation" that I have ever been completely sure about. I love Ryot and Izzy and Vini. I love every moment I spend with them. They are such a blessing and to share parenthood with my amazing husband is what I have dreamt of. I have always wanted to get married and have a ton of babies.
Now to clarify, I am a working mom...a full-time working mom. I wish that I could stay home but that is not a possibility for me at this time. So I will cherish every minute that I have with my angel. I will do the dishes after she goes to sleep. I will sacrifice going to the gym so that I can spend that extra hour with her. I will dance even when people think I'm crazy. I will sing to her even though I don't have an American Idol voice. I will hold her and rock her and love her for longer than I'm "supposed to" because she is my baby and she is only going to be this little for so long. I could talk for hours and hours about how amazing my sweet little angels are. Ryot is so strong-willed and independent which makes her hugs and kisses just that more meanginful. Her smile lights up my whole life. Izzy is so bubbly and full of life. She sings like an angel and has so much passion for the people around her. Vini is so methodical and has the most contagious laugh I have ever heard. He is so smart and such a charmer. And if I'm honest, which I am, I would say I want more. I want more hands to hold and mouths to feed. I want more smiles and giggles and love. I want to raise an army of little hearts and minds on fire for the Lord. I want to cradle another little one and sing them to sleep. The pain, the restlessness, the worry, the stress, the lack of comfort, the widening waistline is ALL WORTH IT when I look into their eyes. I have been blessed!
To clarify something else, when asked how many kids I want, my typical answer is "as many as we can afford". I say this knowing that if God blesses us with another little one, He will provide for that new little one and our family as a whole. I'm not in the business of creating more stress. I just have a passion for little ones and wish that I could give all of them homes. I wish that I had a big home to house all of the little ones who don't have a loving family. I wish I could adopt every little kid in the world....but I obviously can't do that right now. So I will just pray that God directs my passion to the area that will give Him glory, and I'm going to stop watching so many videos of little ones so I don't get sad that I don't have that little miracle growing in me right now. Everything happens in God's perfect timing.
3. ROCKSTAR RONAN
I had to save this one for last for fear that I wouldn't get everything all out that I wanted to. Ronan has changed my life. Ronan is a little angel with the most beautiful eyes and beautiful spirit that lives on. I have been reading Maya Thompson's blog about Ronan and his horrible and beautiful story of life and love. I look at picture of my sweet angels and am so grateful for every moment that I am given. My heart breaks every day for Maya, Woody, Liam, Quinn and the little Poppy girl. I cry...at work...reading her blog and I share Ronan's story with everyone. No parent should ever have to go through what they are going through. No big brothers should ever have to miss their little brother. They should be teasing him. They should be teaching him how to dunk the basketball. They should be making crazy videos. But they aren't because Ronan is an angel.
Those who know me know that my mom took her life when I was 8. I had good and bad memories with my mom but in an 8 yr old mind, the good memories definitely outweigh the bad. Growing up without her was hard even I had people surrounding me with love and constant positivity. My pregnancy was the hardest. She should have been there. I should have been able to ask her questions and taken her to the ultrasound appointment. We should have had conversations about whether she was going to be Grandma or Nana or Gigi. But we didn't. I would not go back and change anything because I know that God has me where I am for a reason. I am grateful for all the things that I have been through and still trust him on a daily basis to gain happiness and joy from him and not my circumstances or emotions. Now having my own child, I wrestle with anger more than the hurtful side of my mom's decision. I can't even bring myself to try to imagine leaving Ryot. She is a miracle. She is an angel. She is a part of me. I love her more than anything on this earth. The thought of her being taken away from me is devastating. So I think with my love for Ryot and my past experience of losing my mom just make Ronan's story like a dagger to my heart. Maya is honest and transparent, something I aspire to be. She is open and ruthless in her emotions. She is beautiful and such a wonderful inspiration. I pray that God will give her peace and reveal himself to her. I pray for safety over her family. I pray that God will continually give me a grateful spirit and help me overlook the things that might be stressful or annoying at the time.
God is good all the time. I am so grateful for grace.
Don't take one second for granted. Kiss your loved ones. Say you're sorry.
Cherish EVERY moment.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Painful lack of gallbladder
I can't live like this anymore. I can't do it. Everyday I'm uncomfortable. Everyday I'm in pain. Some days are worse than others. Most says I can manage the pain and I throw on a smile to push through it so nobody notices. But I don't want to be uncomfortable anymore.
So, hello Google!
I searched a ton of different things that coul be causing discomfort and what it all points back to is my diet. When I got my gallbladder out, my Doctor said that after a couple months I could eat whatever I wanted. Yeah but he didn't tell me that I would pay major consequences for not watching what I eat and follow a restrictive diet.
Here are the lists of the foods to avoid:
-strongly flavored spices and condiments
-caffeine containing beverages (includes decaf and caff
Coffee)
-tomatoes
-citric juices (cranberry, orange juice, pineapple juice)
-fatty foods(fried meats, deli meats, potato chips, French fries, fatty or fried pastries like donuts)
-alcoholic drinks
-dairy products (whole milk, butter, cheese)
-high fat salad dressing
-gas forming veggies (broccoli, Brussels sprouts,cabbage,garlic,onion, cauliflower, turnips, pickles.
Here is a listof foods to include:
-caffeine free tonics
-all lean, tenders meats
-skinless poultry
-fish
-eggs
-low fat/skim milk products
-eggs
-soy beans (including tofu)
-white/brown rice
-pasta
-veggies except everything listed on that list
So time for a compete life change!!!!
So, hello Google!
I searched a ton of different things that coul be causing discomfort and what it all points back to is my diet. When I got my gallbladder out, my Doctor said that after a couple months I could eat whatever I wanted. Yeah but he didn't tell me that I would pay major consequences for not watching what I eat and follow a restrictive diet.
Here are the lists of the foods to avoid:
-strongly flavored spices and condiments
-caffeine containing beverages (includes decaf and caff
Coffee)
-tomatoes
-citric juices (cranberry, orange juice, pineapple juice)
-fatty foods(fried meats, deli meats, potato chips, French fries, fatty or fried pastries like donuts)
-alcoholic drinks
-dairy products (whole milk, butter, cheese)
-high fat salad dressing
-gas forming veggies (broccoli, Brussels sprouts,cabbage,garlic,onion, cauliflower, turnips, pickles.
Here is a listof foods to include:
-caffeine free tonics
-all lean, tenders meats
-skinless poultry
-fish
-eggs
-low fat/skim milk products
-eggs
-soy beans (including tofu)
-white/brown rice
-pasta
-veggies except everything listed on that list
So time for a compete life change!!!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Priorities In Love
He told his wife that he had a crazy idea. He was going to ride his bike across country, from California to Maine, to raise money for women and orphans. He would do shows in the different cities and all the proceeds would go to raise money. She burst into tears and his heart sank thinking it was a horrible thought. Then she said "I can just tell that you are following what God is telling you to do. When you follow God I fall even more in love with you. I just wish I could go with you." (Mark Schultz's conversation with his wife a couple years ago)
I don't care if my husband has a 6 pack.
I don't care if he makes a million dollars.
I don't care if he is famous.
I don't care if he has a beautiful singing voice.
I don't care if he is a genius.
I don't care if he has the best dance moves.
I fall more in love with him when he prays for and with me.
I fall more in love with him when he shares with me what God is teaching him.
I fall more in love with him when he serves me and Ryot.
I fall more in love with him when he is loving and patient.
I fall more in love with him when he is encouraging.
I fall more in love with who he is and who God is shaping him to be everyday.
PS> My husband does have the BEST dance moves!
I don't care if my husband has a 6 pack.
I don't care if he makes a million dollars.
I don't care if he is famous.
I don't care if he has a beautiful singing voice.
I don't care if he is a genius.
I don't care if he has the best dance moves.
I fall more in love with him when he prays for and with me.
I fall more in love with him when he shares with me what God is teaching him.
I fall more in love with him when he serves me and Ryot.
I fall more in love with him when he is loving and patient.
I fall more in love with him when he is encouraging.
I fall more in love with who he is and who God is shaping him to be everyday.
PS> My husband does have the BEST dance moves!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Asking For Clarity
Happy Friday to you! I got Starbucks this morning and it was DELICIOUIS! There is just something marvelous about drinking a hot cup of coffee - preferrably a triple shot - in the morning. It gives me a little boost I enjoy and just tickles my tastebuds with delight. Normally I am not too thrilled about fridays at work because it is payday for my employees. There is usually a lot of conflict and interesting questions like "Why do I have to pay my back child support?" or "How could I have turned my timesheet in if I was in jail?" UGH! So to boost my spirits and my patience I got a nice cup of Joe. (A.D.D. moment - why do they call it a cup of Joe? I have no idea. I will have to look it up. Thank you, society slang, for igniting my curiosity. Google, I will visit you in a moment.) Enough of the A.D.D, now on to the intelligent part of my brain...
A couple Sundays ago, a question was answered that I have thought about so many times. Now, I can't exactly tell you what question was asked because I was still thinking about a point that had been made a few minutes earlier. I only heard Jason's answer, "No." That, unfortunately, doesn't help you much so I will ellaborate. Jason and other members in our Sunday school went on to explain that we can't question God's decisions and His will to give to favor to some and not to others. So many times I have asked myself things like:
"Aren't we ALL God's children?"
"Doesn't God love everyone?"
I think the first time that it really hit me was a couple years ago when I was reading the story when Moses was freeing the Israelites from Pharoh's slavery in Egypt. The Bible says in Exodus 4:21 that God hardened Pharoh's heart. I was truly astonished when I read this. I mean, how could God do this? I expected God to be this loving Father drawing people towards Him not purposefully hardening their hearts. Then I was lead to Romans 9:14-24, which really helps explain this for me.
Romans 9:14-24
"14 What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! 15 For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” 16 So then it depends not on human will or exertion,[b] but on God, who has mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” 18 So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.
19 You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” 20 But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” 21 Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? 22 What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, 23 in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory— 24 even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?
God made me human, with a big heart. If everything that happens in life is for God's glory, then we have to surrender even this human element that we were created with to God. I have always wanted to believe in happy endings but God's design of a happy ending is His glory, not my fairytale. Do I believe that God's glory is the most important thing? Yes. Do I believe God is Sovereign and sustains every person, thoughts, action, natural disaster, orbit, etc. (everything) Yes. God is perfect. God is sovereign. Therefore His choices and decisions are perfect even if we don't understand them.
Could it be - far beyond my capacity of understanding - that God creates certain people and happenings for the sole purpose of his glory even if it completely negates everything that we think is "supposed" to happen and be?
And if this is the case, then instead of praying for God to change His mind, should we not pray that our mind be transformed to understanding His will?
I do not have all the answers. I'm still perplexed by this concept and seeking God for clarity. But I figure, if I knew all the answers there would be no reason for faith. So I trust that God is Sovereign and I take relief in the fact that I don't have to know all the answers.
So far, I like this journey. :) I am so grateful that God reveals himself to a puney little "ant" (to steal Jason's term) like me. I hope that I can get more clarity in the future, but if I don't I am so blessed beyond measure at what I have already been entrusted with. All the praise and glory goes to our perfect, forgiving, all-knowing, Savior. :) Again, Happy FRIDAY TO YOU!
A couple Sundays ago, a question was answered that I have thought about so many times. Now, I can't exactly tell you what question was asked because I was still thinking about a point that had been made a few minutes earlier. I only heard Jason's answer, "No." That, unfortunately, doesn't help you much so I will ellaborate. Jason and other members in our Sunday school went on to explain that we can't question God's decisions and His will to give to favor to some and not to others. So many times I have asked myself things like:
"Aren't we ALL God's children?"
"Doesn't God love everyone?"
I think the first time that it really hit me was a couple years ago when I was reading the story when Moses was freeing the Israelites from Pharoh's slavery in Egypt. The Bible says in Exodus 4:21 that God hardened Pharoh's heart. I was truly astonished when I read this. I mean, how could God do this? I expected God to be this loving Father drawing people towards Him not purposefully hardening their hearts. Then I was lead to Romans 9:14-24, which really helps explain this for me.
Romans 9:14-24
"14 What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! 15 For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” 16 So then it depends not on human will or exertion,[b] but on God, who has mercy. 17 For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” 18 So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.
19 You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” 20 But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” 21 Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? 22 What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, 23 in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory— 24 even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?
God made me human, with a big heart. If everything that happens in life is for God's glory, then we have to surrender even this human element that we were created with to God. I have always wanted to believe in happy endings but God's design of a happy ending is His glory, not my fairytale. Do I believe that God's glory is the most important thing? Yes. Do I believe God is Sovereign and sustains every person, thoughts, action, natural disaster, orbit, etc. (everything) Yes. God is perfect. God is sovereign. Therefore His choices and decisions are perfect even if we don't understand them.
Could it be - far beyond my capacity of understanding - that God creates certain people and happenings for the sole purpose of his glory even if it completely negates everything that we think is "supposed" to happen and be?
And if this is the case, then instead of praying for God to change His mind, should we not pray that our mind be transformed to understanding His will?
I do not have all the answers. I'm still perplexed by this concept and seeking God for clarity. But I figure, if I knew all the answers there would be no reason for faith. So I trust that God is Sovereign and I take relief in the fact that I don't have to know all the answers.
So far, I like this journey. :) I am so grateful that God reveals himself to a puney little "ant" (to steal Jason's term) like me. I hope that I can get more clarity in the future, but if I don't I am so blessed beyond measure at what I have already been entrusted with. All the praise and glory goes to our perfect, forgiving, all-knowing, Savior. :) Again, Happy FRIDAY TO YOU!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
When Conflict Arises
Dr. Chapman – The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted
Part 2 – When Conflict Arises
Ok, on to Part 2 of my marriage conference posts…which just seems so appropriate since I’m currently so frustrated and upset in a conflict that looks like it has no solution. Funny how it works out that way, huh?
There will eventually be more posts on this marriage conference but don't hold your breath because I'm not ready to go through those yet. This one here is a big enough pill to swallow for now.
To quickly recap – There are 3 levels of communication. This 1st being day to day events including what you do, who you talk to, who you hang out with, etc. These are no brainer facts about your day. To connect with your spouse over these things would be to include the feeling behind it. For example, you could say that you talked to a group of coworkers about evolution vs creation and it made you feel accomplished for being firm in your faith and explaining your views on God’s creation. You have just told your spouse a fact and a feeling which let them in your heart and mind. Men, your wife will feel like you care and want them to be a part of your thought process. It’s a simple and yet helpful thing to encourage and increase ease of communication in your marriage. Good communication on the little things helps IMMESNELY with the big issues. Remember a Fact AND a Feeling. Muy Importante.
The 2nd level of communication is making decisions: from the simple – what to wear – to more in depth – where to go to church or how to raise your kids. This is also pretty easy but requires communication. Wives, men can NOT read your minds and do not know where you want to eat that night if you don’t tell them. Men, wives can NOT read your minds and do not know that you would rather stay at home and not spend the money. Communicate with them in a discussion-based manner and it will make life so much easier. DON’T ASSUME that they know what you are thinking.
This brings us to the 3rd level of communication: Conflict. Often when a conflict arises, it stems from a lack of communication. Everyone has been in a conflict so I do not need to give an example…and I’m not prepared to give the example that I’m in now because it isn’t resolved so I don’t think I would be very objective. So, on to how to effectively accomplish this complicated level of communication…
1. Deal with the Anger
A. Take a temporary timeout. This timeout should be 30 minutes to 1 hour, not 3 months or 3 years. This should just be a period to cool off and simmer down. If I’m honest, sometimes I need that full hour. Sometimes I feel like my blood is just boiling and a timeout lets me just take some deep breaths and get to the heart of the issue.
Proverbs 30:33 For pressing milk produces curds, pressing the nose produces blood, and pressing anger produces strife.
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger
*Ugh, failed that one last night. :(
B. Examine your Anger.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Why am I angry? Is it the way he talks? How he looks at me when he is talking? The tone in his voice? Is it his body language? Or is it what he is actually saying?
2. After the timeout, take turns talking.
Take 5 minutes each to completely explain what you are saying and how you are feeling with NO INTERRUPTING. Don’t yell, this is a time to explain your case completely – in 5 minutes. When your 5 minutes is up, let the other person talk completely for 5 minutes with NO INTERRUPTING. This will help cut down name calling, assumptions, hanging up and will help turn down the heat. You can now have an organized conversation about differences verses a boxing match.
3. Practice Listening.
You have to actually listen to the other person to resolve the argument. When it is their turn to talk really listen to what they are saying so that some sort of progress can be made.
4. Listen to the facts AND the feelings.
This is a big one for me. Dr. Chapman gave a GREAT example. I’m going to try to explain it as best I can because I think it illustrates this point perfectly. He used the example of a wife being upset that the husband hasn’t called and said that he is going to be late. The conversation might go something like this:
*Husband walks in the door*
Wife: You never call me to tell me when you are going to be late! You have been an hour late every day this week! How am I supposed to know if you are in a hundred pieces on the highway or still working? The kids were hungry, we were waiting for you. The food was getting cold and I didn’t know whether to feed them or wait for you. Don’t you care about us?
Husband: I’m working hard for you and this is how you greet me right when I walk in the door? I wasn’t an hour late every day, on Wednesday I was only 30 minutes late. That’s what you always do…exaggerate and make me the bad guy. And what do you mean, “do I care about you?” Of course I care about you, that’s why I’m working so dang hard to provide for you and the kids and this is the thanks I get? I should have just stayed there if this is what I have to listen to everyday.
*Husband walks back out the door and wife cries. Later he comes back in and she is already asleep. He sleeps on the couch and goes to work the next day with nothing ever being resolved. Wife doesn’t want to argue again so she doesn’t say anything and just feels bitter.*
This isn’t exactly the example he gave but it was something to that design. Dr. Chapman went on to explain the back side of the hearts and minds of the husband and wife that they didn’t accurately express to one another. The husband in this example may think that if he stops the client meeting he is in to call his wife to tell her that he is going to be late, that he will lose the sale. He has an urgent need to provide for his family and can’t lose the sale so he doesn’t call. The wife is feeling unloved and pushed aside. She feels like he values work more than he values his family but instead of expressing that to him, she blows up and mixes feelings with facts clouding what the real issue is.
In this instance, both parties need to not blow up at the facts but listen to the feelings. The wife was feeling scared because she didn’t know if he was still working or if he had gotten in an accident because she hadn’t heard from him. She was feeling unsure if she should feed the kids or wait until he got there because she has an urgent need to take care of the well-being of the family. She is feeling unloved because she doesn’t know where his priorities lie. The conversation could have been transformed from an argument to a simple conversation if they would have listened to the feelings instead of blowing up at the facts.
5. Seek to understand.
If you want to resolve the issue, you have to try to figure out why they feel the way they do before you can figure out how to change the situation. How you do that is #6.
6. Express understanding.
This is key to me. I know that often times we don’t feel like the other person understands where we are coming from or why we are upset. This step is simple. All you do is re-explain in your own words how you think they are feeling to show that you understand.
Example: I understand that it makes you feel unloved when I don’t call you to tell you that I’m going to be late from work. Or, I understand that you are working hard to provide for our family and don’t want to lose the sale by calling me. This will show the other person that you care about understanding them and will help you find a solution.
7. Ask what can I do to help? And How can we solve this problem?
This will turn the conversation into the 2nd level of communication – Decision Making –versus the 3rd level – Conflict. This way you can decide how to solve the problem instead of pointing fingers and getting mad at the FEELINGS behind the problems.
There are no conflicts that CAN’T be resolved.
There are, however, conflicts that WON’T be resolved.
Humans don’t have the same feelings and thoughts. We were created this way. Realize that you have a conflict, lay it on the table (5 minutes at a time without interrupting), acknowledge that you understand the other and come up with a solution. That is so simple to say, and so hard to do! It is so easy to get caught up in the feelings.
Dr. Chapman made a good, and funny, point. If you win an argument, that means the other person is the loser…and it’s no fun being with a loser, so why create one?
Overcoming Communication Barriers
1. Learn his interests – poker, football, classic rock.
Even if the man doesn’t like you, he will probably talk to you for hours about football. Just don’t ask him questions DURING The game. (Dr. Chapman cracks me up)
2. Ask his advice
3. Check your own input
4. Share a Book
I bet some men are cringing at the thought, but this will help improve your communication. If you read 1 chapter a week, then pick one day and share one thing you learned or found interesting for one hour between the two of you, it will help better your communication. I know I would love to do this with Brian. For me it would be a window into his soul. I would get the chance to see how he thinks and processes information. It would be fascinating for me. Might be the same for you.
5. Apologize
This one is tricky. I need to buy and read Dr. Chapman’s book 'The Five Languages of Apology'. I know that this is an area that I struggle with and my relationship definitely does not have good communication in this area. A sneak peek of the 5 languages is HERE.
6. Meet Sexual Needs
There is a positive correlation between verbal communication and sexual needs.
7. Pray Together
I believe that if both of you are praying for and with each other that there is no way that your communication won’t improve. God will shape you and help you better your relationship to treat each other more like Christ would.
Communication Techniques
1. Repeat what the other person says.
When Dr. Chapman first said this point I was skeptical. I hate repeating myself and I thought that it would just cause frustration but the example he gave was hilarious and helped it make sense. This is not the exact example he gave, but it communicates the thought process effectively:
Husband: I’m quitting my job!
Wife: Honey, are you telling me that you want to quit your job?
Husband: Well my boss is so ridiculous and I can’t stand him!
Wife: So are you saying that you don’t get along with your boss?
Husband: We just had this last minute project that is really going to be impossible.
Wife: So are you saying that you don’t think you can finish the project in time?
Husband: I’m just overworked and stressed.
Wife: Are you saying that you work too much?
Husband: I know that I have to provide for you and the family and I can’t quit my job. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am just so tired, honey. I just don’t want to go anywhere tonight.
From I’m quitting my job to I’m tired. Now, that conversation could have spun out of control into a huge argument. When he said that he was quitting his job, the wife could have panicked and told him that they can’t afford for him to quit and given him a lecture with a bunch of other reasons. But by her just repeating what he was saying, she found out that he was just venting about being tired and didn’t want to go anywhere. Crisis averted. Now, Dr. Chapman did make a good point with this. Don’t take it overboard. It can get really annoying if you literally repeat EVERYTHING the person says. But use of this concept in moderation can be very effective to improving communuication.
2. Rate your feelings. Zero to Ten…answer in only a number.
I REALLY want to start using this in my conversations with Brian. It is so easy to get lost in the mix up of how someone really feels. The word fine to a man can mean that everything is ok, when the word fine to a woman can mean that she just gives up and doesn’t want to argue anymore.
Hey Hun, zero to ten, do you want to eat out tonight?
Hey Hun, zero to ten, do you want to see *this* movie?
When you use numbers to classify how you feel it helps clarify the real feelings instead of receiving mixed messages.
I know this is long and if you stuck through this blog post, your brain is probably overloaded with scenarios in your own life. That is how it worked for me. I was taking notes on how I can change my communication and hopefully decrease the amount of arguments. I believe that even if you only put to use one of these techniques, the communication in your marriage will be a ton more effective. My goal is to reduce the amount of level 3 communication – conflicts – to level 2 communication – decision making.
Now…if only I could figure out how to do that in my current situation…
Part 2 – When Conflict Arises
Ok, on to Part 2 of my marriage conference posts…which just seems so appropriate since I’m currently so frustrated and upset in a conflict that looks like it has no solution. Funny how it works out that way, huh?
There will eventually be more posts on this marriage conference but don't hold your breath because I'm not ready to go through those yet. This one here is a big enough pill to swallow for now.
To quickly recap – There are 3 levels of communication. This 1st being day to day events including what you do, who you talk to, who you hang out with, etc. These are no brainer facts about your day. To connect with your spouse over these things would be to include the feeling behind it. For example, you could say that you talked to a group of coworkers about evolution vs creation and it made you feel accomplished for being firm in your faith and explaining your views on God’s creation. You have just told your spouse a fact and a feeling which let them in your heart and mind. Men, your wife will feel like you care and want them to be a part of your thought process. It’s a simple and yet helpful thing to encourage and increase ease of communication in your marriage. Good communication on the little things helps IMMESNELY with the big issues. Remember a Fact AND a Feeling. Muy Importante.
The 2nd level of communication is making decisions: from the simple – what to wear – to more in depth – where to go to church or how to raise your kids. This is also pretty easy but requires communication. Wives, men can NOT read your minds and do not know where you want to eat that night if you don’t tell them. Men, wives can NOT read your minds and do not know that you would rather stay at home and not spend the money. Communicate with them in a discussion-based manner and it will make life so much easier. DON’T ASSUME that they know what you are thinking.
This brings us to the 3rd level of communication: Conflict. Often when a conflict arises, it stems from a lack of communication. Everyone has been in a conflict so I do not need to give an example…and I’m not prepared to give the example that I’m in now because it isn’t resolved so I don’t think I would be very objective. So, on to how to effectively accomplish this complicated level of communication…
1. Deal with the Anger
A. Take a temporary timeout. This timeout should be 30 minutes to 1 hour, not 3 months or 3 years. This should just be a period to cool off and simmer down. If I’m honest, sometimes I need that full hour. Sometimes I feel like my blood is just boiling and a timeout lets me just take some deep breaths and get to the heart of the issue.
Proverbs 30:33 For pressing milk produces curds, pressing the nose produces blood, and pressing anger produces strife.
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger
*Ugh, failed that one last night. :(
B. Examine your Anger.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Why am I angry? Is it the way he talks? How he looks at me when he is talking? The tone in his voice? Is it his body language? Or is it what he is actually saying?
2. After the timeout, take turns talking.
Take 5 minutes each to completely explain what you are saying and how you are feeling with NO INTERRUPTING. Don’t yell, this is a time to explain your case completely – in 5 minutes. When your 5 minutes is up, let the other person talk completely for 5 minutes with NO INTERRUPTING. This will help cut down name calling, assumptions, hanging up and will help turn down the heat. You can now have an organized conversation about differences verses a boxing match.
3. Practice Listening.
You have to actually listen to the other person to resolve the argument. When it is their turn to talk really listen to what they are saying so that some sort of progress can be made.
4. Listen to the facts AND the feelings.
This is a big one for me. Dr. Chapman gave a GREAT example. I’m going to try to explain it as best I can because I think it illustrates this point perfectly. He used the example of a wife being upset that the husband hasn’t called and said that he is going to be late. The conversation might go something like this:
*Husband walks in the door*
Wife: You never call me to tell me when you are going to be late! You have been an hour late every day this week! How am I supposed to know if you are in a hundred pieces on the highway or still working? The kids were hungry, we were waiting for you. The food was getting cold and I didn’t know whether to feed them or wait for you. Don’t you care about us?
Husband: I’m working hard for you and this is how you greet me right when I walk in the door? I wasn’t an hour late every day, on Wednesday I was only 30 minutes late. That’s what you always do…exaggerate and make me the bad guy. And what do you mean, “do I care about you?” Of course I care about you, that’s why I’m working so dang hard to provide for you and the kids and this is the thanks I get? I should have just stayed there if this is what I have to listen to everyday.
*Husband walks back out the door and wife cries. Later he comes back in and she is already asleep. He sleeps on the couch and goes to work the next day with nothing ever being resolved. Wife doesn’t want to argue again so she doesn’t say anything and just feels bitter.*
This isn’t exactly the example he gave but it was something to that design. Dr. Chapman went on to explain the back side of the hearts and minds of the husband and wife that they didn’t accurately express to one another. The husband in this example may think that if he stops the client meeting he is in to call his wife to tell her that he is going to be late, that he will lose the sale. He has an urgent need to provide for his family and can’t lose the sale so he doesn’t call. The wife is feeling unloved and pushed aside. She feels like he values work more than he values his family but instead of expressing that to him, she blows up and mixes feelings with facts clouding what the real issue is.
In this instance, both parties need to not blow up at the facts but listen to the feelings. The wife was feeling scared because she didn’t know if he was still working or if he had gotten in an accident because she hadn’t heard from him. She was feeling unsure if she should feed the kids or wait until he got there because she has an urgent need to take care of the well-being of the family. She is feeling unloved because she doesn’t know where his priorities lie. The conversation could have been transformed from an argument to a simple conversation if they would have listened to the feelings instead of blowing up at the facts.
5. Seek to understand.
If you want to resolve the issue, you have to try to figure out why they feel the way they do before you can figure out how to change the situation. How you do that is #6.
6. Express understanding.
This is key to me. I know that often times we don’t feel like the other person understands where we are coming from or why we are upset. This step is simple. All you do is re-explain in your own words how you think they are feeling to show that you understand.
Example: I understand that it makes you feel unloved when I don’t call you to tell you that I’m going to be late from work. Or, I understand that you are working hard to provide for our family and don’t want to lose the sale by calling me. This will show the other person that you care about understanding them and will help you find a solution.
7. Ask what can I do to help? And How can we solve this problem?
This will turn the conversation into the 2nd level of communication – Decision Making –versus the 3rd level – Conflict. This way you can decide how to solve the problem instead of pointing fingers and getting mad at the FEELINGS behind the problems.
There are no conflicts that CAN’T be resolved.
There are, however, conflicts that WON’T be resolved.
Humans don’t have the same feelings and thoughts. We were created this way. Realize that you have a conflict, lay it on the table (5 minutes at a time without interrupting), acknowledge that you understand the other and come up with a solution. That is so simple to say, and so hard to do! It is so easy to get caught up in the feelings.
Dr. Chapman made a good, and funny, point. If you win an argument, that means the other person is the loser…and it’s no fun being with a loser, so why create one?
Overcoming Communication Barriers
1. Learn his interests – poker, football, classic rock.
Even if the man doesn’t like you, he will probably talk to you for hours about football. Just don’t ask him questions DURING The game. (Dr. Chapman cracks me up)
2. Ask his advice
3. Check your own input
4. Share a Book
I bet some men are cringing at the thought, but this will help improve your communication. If you read 1 chapter a week, then pick one day and share one thing you learned or found interesting for one hour between the two of you, it will help better your communication. I know I would love to do this with Brian. For me it would be a window into his soul. I would get the chance to see how he thinks and processes information. It would be fascinating for me. Might be the same for you.
5. Apologize
This one is tricky. I need to buy and read Dr. Chapman’s book 'The Five Languages of Apology'. I know that this is an area that I struggle with and my relationship definitely does not have good communication in this area. A sneak peek of the 5 languages is HERE.
6. Meet Sexual Needs
There is a positive correlation between verbal communication and sexual needs.
7. Pray Together
I believe that if both of you are praying for and with each other that there is no way that your communication won’t improve. God will shape you and help you better your relationship to treat each other more like Christ would.
Communication Techniques
1. Repeat what the other person says.
When Dr. Chapman first said this point I was skeptical. I hate repeating myself and I thought that it would just cause frustration but the example he gave was hilarious and helped it make sense. This is not the exact example he gave, but it communicates the thought process effectively:
Husband: I’m quitting my job!
Wife: Honey, are you telling me that you want to quit your job?
Husband: Well my boss is so ridiculous and I can’t stand him!
Wife: So are you saying that you don’t get along with your boss?
Husband: We just had this last minute project that is really going to be impossible.
Wife: So are you saying that you don’t think you can finish the project in time?
Husband: I’m just overworked and stressed.
Wife: Are you saying that you work too much?
Husband: I know that I have to provide for you and the family and I can’t quit my job. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am just so tired, honey. I just don’t want to go anywhere tonight.
From I’m quitting my job to I’m tired. Now, that conversation could have spun out of control into a huge argument. When he said that he was quitting his job, the wife could have panicked and told him that they can’t afford for him to quit and given him a lecture with a bunch of other reasons. But by her just repeating what he was saying, she found out that he was just venting about being tired and didn’t want to go anywhere. Crisis averted. Now, Dr. Chapman did make a good point with this. Don’t take it overboard. It can get really annoying if you literally repeat EVERYTHING the person says. But use of this concept in moderation can be very effective to improving communuication.
2. Rate your feelings. Zero to Ten…answer in only a number.
I REALLY want to start using this in my conversations with Brian. It is so easy to get lost in the mix up of how someone really feels. The word fine to a man can mean that everything is ok, when the word fine to a woman can mean that she just gives up and doesn’t want to argue anymore.
Hey Hun, zero to ten, do you want to eat out tonight?
Hey Hun, zero to ten, do you want to see *this* movie?
When you use numbers to classify how you feel it helps clarify the real feelings instead of receiving mixed messages.
I know this is long and if you stuck through this blog post, your brain is probably overloaded with scenarios in your own life. That is how it worked for me. I was taking notes on how I can change my communication and hopefully decrease the amount of arguments. I believe that even if you only put to use one of these techniques, the communication in your marriage will be a ton more effective. My goal is to reduce the amount of level 3 communication – conflicts – to level 2 communication – decision making.
Now…if only I could figure out how to do that in my current situation…
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
How scary!! So, why not?
Driving to work this morning I was humming/mumbling/sort of singing the words "Love Come to Life" by Big Daddy Weave on KSBJ. Then I heard these lyrics that stopped me in my tracks:
"Bring your love to life inside of me
Why don’t you break my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet"
I turned down the music just so I could sort through my thoughts. I have heard this song a hundred times. (Ok, not literally a hundred, but you get my point) Everytime that I listen to it, I immediately hear phrases like "Would you reignite this heart spark here in the dark" and "For the hopeless and the broken for the ones that don’t know that you love them, Bring your love to life inside of me". But today was different. I had no problem before singing those words without a second glance, but today I thought, what a dangerous prayer! You are asking God to break your heart? Why would someone do that?
This would take complete trust in God.
This could cost you comfort.
This could shake your world.
Let me stop here and back up to Sunday night. I was listening to KSBJ, as always, and Jennie Allen was the guest speaker. Jennie Allen is an amazing woman of God, author of a couple Bible studies and a new book called "Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul". I listened to her talk on the radio about a dangerous prayer that changed her life. Jennie and her husband, Zac who is a pastor at Austin Stone Community Church, prayed one night that they would do anyting for God. Did you catch that? ANYTHING. They were giving God everything they had. Their hopes, emotions, fears, materials, futures - Everything. It is a scary thought to let go of our control, or better put, our facade that we have control. Then she said something that the Holy Spirit grabbed and used to stir my heart. She said (and I paraphrase) that sometimes the thing that we are most afraid, nervous or negative about doing is the very thing that God is pushing us to do. It means that we have to put our complete reliance in Him. All day I can talk about how God is Sovereign, but is my faith only words or am I putting my faith into action by giving him complete control of my life and well-being?
This brings me back to this morning. When I heard that phrase "Break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet" I immediately thought of Jennie Allen. My thoughts spiraled into other thoughts that bumped into feelings creating more feelings. What if this was my prayer? What if I really truly asked God to break my heart until it moved my hands and feet? That would mean that I would hurt for those hurting and be angry about injustice. That would mean that my finances would be used for more than Christmas presents and daily comforts. That would mean that my conversation would be about raising awareness and spreading the great message of God's love and the gift of salvation. Put pretty simply, that would mean my life would look more like Christ.
I smile now as I wonder if you will catch yourself the next time you say something is too hard, scary, dangerous, costly, etc. I wonder if you will let it stop you in your tracks OR if you will be pushed by the Holy Spirit to ask the next question.....
WHY NOT?
Isaiah 6:8 And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”
"Bring your love to life inside of me
Why don’t you break my heart ’til it moves my hands and feet"
I turned down the music just so I could sort through my thoughts. I have heard this song a hundred times. (Ok, not literally a hundred, but you get my point) Everytime that I listen to it, I immediately hear phrases like "Would you reignite this heart spark here in the dark" and "For the hopeless and the broken for the ones that don’t know that you love them, Bring your love to life inside of me". But today was different. I had no problem before singing those words without a second glance, but today I thought, what a dangerous prayer! You are asking God to break your heart? Why would someone do that?
This would take complete trust in God.
This could cost you comfort.
This could shake your world.
Let me stop here and back up to Sunday night. I was listening to KSBJ, as always, and Jennie Allen was the guest speaker. Jennie Allen is an amazing woman of God, author of a couple Bible studies and a new book called "Anything: The Prayer That Unlocked My God and My Soul". I listened to her talk on the radio about a dangerous prayer that changed her life. Jennie and her husband, Zac who is a pastor at Austin Stone Community Church, prayed one night that they would do anyting for God. Did you catch that? ANYTHING. They were giving God everything they had. Their hopes, emotions, fears, materials, futures - Everything. It is a scary thought to let go of our control, or better put, our facade that we have control. Then she said something that the Holy Spirit grabbed and used to stir my heart. She said (and I paraphrase) that sometimes the thing that we are most afraid, nervous or negative about doing is the very thing that God is pushing us to do. It means that we have to put our complete reliance in Him. All day I can talk about how God is Sovereign, but is my faith only words or am I putting my faith into action by giving him complete control of my life and well-being?
This brings me back to this morning. When I heard that phrase "Break my heart 'til it moves my hands and feet" I immediately thought of Jennie Allen. My thoughts spiraled into other thoughts that bumped into feelings creating more feelings. What if this was my prayer? What if I really truly asked God to break my heart until it moved my hands and feet? That would mean that I would hurt for those hurting and be angry about injustice. That would mean that my finances would be used for more than Christmas presents and daily comforts. That would mean that my conversation would be about raising awareness and spreading the great message of God's love and the gift of salvation. Put pretty simply, that would mean my life would look more like Christ.
I smile now as I wonder if you will catch yourself the next time you say something is too hard, scary, dangerous, costly, etc. I wonder if you will let it stop you in your tracks OR if you will be pushed by the Holy Spirit to ask the next question.....
WHY NOT?
Isaiah 6:8 And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The Purpose of Marriage and Communication
Dr. Chapman – The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted
Part 1 – The Purpose of Marriage and Communication(my title not his)
A couple weekends ago I got the incredible opportunity to learn from the wisdom of Dr. Gary Chapman. He graciously accepted our church’s offer to come speak on “The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted”. Sounds cliché, huh? Well, it’s not. When you are centering your life around God and how HE designed marriage to work, you will most definitely have the marriage you’ve always wanted. I got to talk with him and his sweet North Carolina accent and he was kind and just smiling. I like people that smile. It’s like you could see the goodness of God just oozing through him. I am so grateful for the time that I got to spend diving in God’s word and learning how to better my marriage. And because I think it is such valuable information, I would like to share some of the things that I learned, my notes and thoughts, to do with it what you will. Maybe you can use this to help better your marriage or help your idea of how a God-centered successful marriage should be.
First, I thought it was interesting to hear that 50% of women say that they have un-communicating husbands and 86% of divorces people admit that it was mostly because of deficient communication. When it all boils down, they say, “We just couldn’t communicate” or “We didn’t have anything to communicate about (or in common) anymore”.
What is the purpose of marriage? According to Gen 2:18,24 it is Unity and Intimacy. This passage says vs 18 “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” And vs. 24 “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Well, I can’t imagine someone saying that the have perfect unity and intimacy and never communicate. The two automatically intertwine.
How do you communicate? 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 says “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. 12 We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. 13 As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also.” So the answer is to open your hearts and listen to others. This is two-fold. You can’t listen to others and get to know them if you are always talking. And likewise for the other portion – you can’t just be silent and never open up and expect a connection between the two. I know from a personal level that it makes me feel so special when Brian shares with me something that happened in his day or even something that made me mad. He is opening up and letting me in to see how he feels and thinks about the events in his life. It makes a huge difference. Communication is an act of the will. It is not a factor of your personality. You either choose to communicate or you don’t. Yes, this just popped the bubble of the excuse “I’m just not a talker”. If you want to please your significant other and have a better relationship, communication is KEY.
There are 3 levels to communication:
1. Day to Day Events – This is the most simple form of communication. Dr. Chapman cracked me up when he gave an example of the normal daily conversation. “How was your day, honey?” “Fine.” “How was yours?” “Fine.” Dr. Chapman became more animated than I expected and said FINE?!?! You have been apart for 10-12 hours and the only thing that you can sum up to describe that time apart is FINE?! When I really thought about that, it sank in. I leave the house at 6:30-6:40ish to drop off Ryot and I don’t get home after picking Ryot up until around 6:30-7:00ish. When I talk to Brian it sometimes is easier to say “Good” when he asks me how my day was. A suggestion that was given for bettering communication of day to day events was this: Tell me 3 things that happened today and how you felt about them. Dr. Chapman made me laugh again as he explained that it didn’t have to be profound. It could be as simple as, “Honey, I got a drink of water today. And it made me feel refreshed.” The look on his face and his demeanor when he said it just made everyone crack a smile and chuckle a little. It really is a simple concept. And what he said next really struck home. He said “Husbands, if you do this daily with your wife, you will not have simply told her about your day, but given her 20 minutes of your life.” I would love if Brian told me about his day and how he felt about it. The key is making sure that you include how you FELT about it. I know, people don’t like talking about feelings or some men think it is too girly to talk about how you feel. But I can tell you right now that when Brian takes time to tell me how he feels about a certain subject, it lets me in to who he is. It pulls me closer to him and makes me feel like we are connected and intertwined together not just merely coexisting.
2. Decision Making – This is the 2nd level of communication. This can be as easy as what you want to eat or as difficult as where to live or how to raise your children. This step is pretty straightforward until it turns into a conflict.
I did say that there are 3 levels of communication and I’m stopping at #2. This is because the 3rd level is about conflict and there are still thoughts and notes that I have to go through to compile them and don’t want to bombard anyone with crazy amounts of information that I haven’t even really sorted through. I just wanted to get this out because I’m super excited about it and how it is already shaping and changing my marriage.
Be back soon!
Part 1 – The Purpose of Marriage and Communication(my title not his)
A couple weekends ago I got the incredible opportunity to learn from the wisdom of Dr. Gary Chapman. He graciously accepted our church’s offer to come speak on “The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted”. Sounds cliché, huh? Well, it’s not. When you are centering your life around God and how HE designed marriage to work, you will most definitely have the marriage you’ve always wanted. I got to talk with him and his sweet North Carolina accent and he was kind and just smiling. I like people that smile. It’s like you could see the goodness of God just oozing through him. I am so grateful for the time that I got to spend diving in God’s word and learning how to better my marriage. And because I think it is such valuable information, I would like to share some of the things that I learned, my notes and thoughts, to do with it what you will. Maybe you can use this to help better your marriage or help your idea of how a God-centered successful marriage should be.
First, I thought it was interesting to hear that 50% of women say that they have un-communicating husbands and 86% of divorces people admit that it was mostly because of deficient communication. When it all boils down, they say, “We just couldn’t communicate” or “We didn’t have anything to communicate about (or in common) anymore”.
What is the purpose of marriage? According to Gen 2:18,24 it is Unity and Intimacy. This passage says vs 18 “The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” And vs. 24 “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Well, I can’t imagine someone saying that the have perfect unity and intimacy and never communicate. The two automatically intertwine.
How do you communicate? 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 says “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. 12 We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. 13 As a fair exchange—I speak as to my children—open wide your hearts also.” So the answer is to open your hearts and listen to others. This is two-fold. You can’t listen to others and get to know them if you are always talking. And likewise for the other portion – you can’t just be silent and never open up and expect a connection between the two. I know from a personal level that it makes me feel so special when Brian shares with me something that happened in his day or even something that made me mad. He is opening up and letting me in to see how he feels and thinks about the events in his life. It makes a huge difference. Communication is an act of the will. It is not a factor of your personality. You either choose to communicate or you don’t. Yes, this just popped the bubble of the excuse “I’m just not a talker”. If you want to please your significant other and have a better relationship, communication is KEY.
There are 3 levels to communication:
1. Day to Day Events – This is the most simple form of communication. Dr. Chapman cracked me up when he gave an example of the normal daily conversation. “How was your day, honey?” “Fine.” “How was yours?” “Fine.” Dr. Chapman became more animated than I expected and said FINE?!?! You have been apart for 10-12 hours and the only thing that you can sum up to describe that time apart is FINE?! When I really thought about that, it sank in. I leave the house at 6:30-6:40ish to drop off Ryot and I don’t get home after picking Ryot up until around 6:30-7:00ish. When I talk to Brian it sometimes is easier to say “Good” when he asks me how my day was. A suggestion that was given for bettering communication of day to day events was this: Tell me 3 things that happened today and how you felt about them. Dr. Chapman made me laugh again as he explained that it didn’t have to be profound. It could be as simple as, “Honey, I got a drink of water today. And it made me feel refreshed.” The look on his face and his demeanor when he said it just made everyone crack a smile and chuckle a little. It really is a simple concept. And what he said next really struck home. He said “Husbands, if you do this daily with your wife, you will not have simply told her about your day, but given her 20 minutes of your life.” I would love if Brian told me about his day and how he felt about it. The key is making sure that you include how you FELT about it. I know, people don’t like talking about feelings or some men think it is too girly to talk about how you feel. But I can tell you right now that when Brian takes time to tell me how he feels about a certain subject, it lets me in to who he is. It pulls me closer to him and makes me feel like we are connected and intertwined together not just merely coexisting.
2. Decision Making – This is the 2nd level of communication. This can be as easy as what you want to eat or as difficult as where to live or how to raise your children. This step is pretty straightforward until it turns into a conflict.
I did say that there are 3 levels of communication and I’m stopping at #2. This is because the 3rd level is about conflict and there are still thoughts and notes that I have to go through to compile them and don’t want to bombard anyone with crazy amounts of information that I haven’t even really sorted through. I just wanted to get this out because I’m super excited about it and how it is already shaping and changing my marriage.
Be back soon!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Giving God ALL the Glory
There are so many things I want to write about. In the near future, you can expect blogs on the marriage conference, the sermon on the family you've always wanted and many other thoughts, motivations, encouragements and whatnot that I have running constantly through my brain. I have been overloaded lately and just trying to sort through the madness! Can I blame Ryot a little? Maybe say that she took some of my brain cells? I don't know but that's what I'm rolling with. :)
Lately, my brain can not get unwrapped around the idea of God's glory (and I don't mind it one bit). Through Rocky Bayou Baptist Church, Rocky Bayou Christian School, The Purpose Driven Life, and countless leaders, influences and friends that I experienced growing up, my soul was branded with the realization of my purpose for life. I believe whole-heartedly that my purpose on this earth is to glorify God. This begins as I wake up in the morning and is woven through every experience throughout the 24 hours that I am blessed with.
At first, it was just a statement. Then it was a nice poem to recite with no real meaning or understanding behind it. But when it hit me - and I say hit because it felt like a ton of bricks waking me up from a mediocre slumber - I was mindblown. When you finally realize that everything that happens, everyone who breaths, everything that exists does so just for the sole purpose of glorifying God, there is no way not to be changed. While this has been occupying my thoughts, I am reminded of what Jesus said in Luke 19:40. Jesus and his disciples were going to Jerusalem and his discples were shouting his praise saying, "Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”. (Luke 19:38) The Pharisees were mad and told Jesus to rebuke his discples. I don't know but I can see Jesus almost smiling in verse 40 which says, "I tell you,” He[Jesus] replied, “if they[disciples] keep quiet, the stones will cry out."
This makes me smile and hurts my heart at the same time. It makes me smile because creation screams His praise everyday. Creation spins in orbit exactly as it is commanded to do. It obeys because it doesn't have a choice and it brings God glory daily. But it makes me sad because we are commanded to do the same. We are commanded to praise him, make disciples, love others, etc, all these things that would bring God glory. We have the choice to obey him and often times we get caught up in what we think would bring us happiness. We don't realize that bringing God glory and dwelling in His presence is the only place to receive the perfect, overflowing, never-ending love and joy that we could ever experience. And a crazy thing about it is when we do choose to run after things that don't please him, He forgives us and is glorified through our repentance.
When I am having a good day, my purpose is to glorify God.
When I am struggling with insecurities - glorify God.
When I am scared or anxious about the future - glorify God.
When I am bored or feeling uninspired - glorify God.
When I am hurting from past wounds or current tragedies - glorify God.
When I am angry from injustice - glorify God.
Glorify God. Period.
This is not a request, but a commandment. And a commandment with a promise to be filled with the joy, peace and very presence of the Holy Spirit. It's not an act we carry out begrudgingly, but a commandment that when completed with a right heart attitude, will give us the greatest joy and peace that we could ever imagine experiencing.
Now the question that I wrestled with for a long time: How is this carried out practically in my day to day life?
God sees all of eternity. The 80, 90, 100 years that we are on earth is not even a hiccup on the radar of eternity. But me? I'm stuck in this 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 60 minutes an hour mentality. For me, it's harder to have what we call an 'eternal perspective'. I have things concerning me like my daughter getting disciplinary write ups for biting another a child, paying my rent so we have a place to live, fixing my car so I have reliable transportation, etc. Now I don't think any of this is bad. In fact, these are the very things that aid me in giving God glory. Everywhere I go I have the opportunity to be a living story of God's grace. I could probably survey your life and tell you ways that you can glorify God but this isn't about completing a checklist. This is about daily communion with the Almighty Abba Father and a great desire to bring Him glory. In my race of life, I have found that only falling at His feet and seeking His will for my life have I been successful at glorifying him in my deeds and thoughts. God is interested not in how much money you give, but your heart behind the giving. God is given the praise when our thoughts, actions and motives line up with His will and our desire to live a life filled by the Holy Spirit.
When I think about this awesome fact, this purpose, that I was created, designed even for the purpose of glorifying God, I just smile because honestly it makes life so much easier. It changes everything. Instead of crying to God and screaming "why has this happened to me?". The questions turn into desperate prayers for guidance. "God, I don't know why this is happeneing, but You do. Help me to glorify you through this trial." I'm not perfect...at all. I fail constantly, but daily I am reminded that He doesn't expect or require perfect.
What that means in my life in its entirety, I'm not exactly sure yet. I don't know how God will use me or what people or experiences will cross my path. All I know is that I serve a great, mighty, powerful, forgiving, loving, tender, righteous, perfect God who deserves all the glory and praise that I can give Him.
Lately, my brain can not get unwrapped around the idea of God's glory (and I don't mind it one bit). Through Rocky Bayou Baptist Church, Rocky Bayou Christian School, The Purpose Driven Life, and countless leaders, influences and friends that I experienced growing up, my soul was branded with the realization of my purpose for life. I believe whole-heartedly that my purpose on this earth is to glorify God. This begins as I wake up in the morning and is woven through every experience throughout the 24 hours that I am blessed with.
At first, it was just a statement. Then it was a nice poem to recite with no real meaning or understanding behind it. But when it hit me - and I say hit because it felt like a ton of bricks waking me up from a mediocre slumber - I was mindblown. When you finally realize that everything that happens, everyone who breaths, everything that exists does so just for the sole purpose of glorifying God, there is no way not to be changed. While this has been occupying my thoughts, I am reminded of what Jesus said in Luke 19:40. Jesus and his disciples were going to Jerusalem and his discples were shouting his praise saying, "Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord! Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”. (Luke 19:38) The Pharisees were mad and told Jesus to rebuke his discples. I don't know but I can see Jesus almost smiling in verse 40 which says, "I tell you,” He[Jesus] replied, “if they[disciples] keep quiet, the stones will cry out."
This makes me smile and hurts my heart at the same time. It makes me smile because creation screams His praise everyday. Creation spins in orbit exactly as it is commanded to do. It obeys because it doesn't have a choice and it brings God glory daily. But it makes me sad because we are commanded to do the same. We are commanded to praise him, make disciples, love others, etc, all these things that would bring God glory. We have the choice to obey him and often times we get caught up in what we think would bring us happiness. We don't realize that bringing God glory and dwelling in His presence is the only place to receive the perfect, overflowing, never-ending love and joy that we could ever experience. And a crazy thing about it is when we do choose to run after things that don't please him, He forgives us and is glorified through our repentance.
When I am having a good day, my purpose is to glorify God.
When I am struggling with insecurities - glorify God.
When I am scared or anxious about the future - glorify God.
When I am bored or feeling uninspired - glorify God.
When I am hurting from past wounds or current tragedies - glorify God.
When I am angry from injustice - glorify God.
Glorify God. Period.
This is not a request, but a commandment. And a commandment with a promise to be filled with the joy, peace and very presence of the Holy Spirit. It's not an act we carry out begrudgingly, but a commandment that when completed with a right heart attitude, will give us the greatest joy and peace that we could ever imagine experiencing.
Now the question that I wrestled with for a long time: How is this carried out practically in my day to day life?
God sees all of eternity. The 80, 90, 100 years that we are on earth is not even a hiccup on the radar of eternity. But me? I'm stuck in this 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, 60 minutes an hour mentality. For me, it's harder to have what we call an 'eternal perspective'. I have things concerning me like my daughter getting disciplinary write ups for biting another a child, paying my rent so we have a place to live, fixing my car so I have reliable transportation, etc. Now I don't think any of this is bad. In fact, these are the very things that aid me in giving God glory. Everywhere I go I have the opportunity to be a living story of God's grace. I could probably survey your life and tell you ways that you can glorify God but this isn't about completing a checklist. This is about daily communion with the Almighty Abba Father and a great desire to bring Him glory. In my race of life, I have found that only falling at His feet and seeking His will for my life have I been successful at glorifying him in my deeds and thoughts. God is interested not in how much money you give, but your heart behind the giving. God is given the praise when our thoughts, actions and motives line up with His will and our desire to live a life filled by the Holy Spirit.
When I think about this awesome fact, this purpose, that I was created, designed even for the purpose of glorifying God, I just smile because honestly it makes life so much easier. It changes everything. Instead of crying to God and screaming "why has this happened to me?". The questions turn into desperate prayers for guidance. "God, I don't know why this is happeneing, but You do. Help me to glorify you through this trial." I'm not perfect...at all. I fail constantly, but daily I am reminded that He doesn't expect or require perfect.
What that means in my life in its entirety, I'm not exactly sure yet. I don't know how God will use me or what people or experiences will cross my path. All I know is that I serve a great, mighty, powerful, forgiving, loving, tender, righteous, perfect God who deserves all the glory and praise that I can give Him.
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