Wait on the Lord

Today did not start out as planned. I wanted to get up and eat breakfast. I wanted to take a shower. I wanted to relax a little before the chaos of the day started. But the chaos had different plans. Ryot is on such a weird schedule right now that, well, it can't even really be called a schedule. It's random feedings with growth spirts and tummy issues. I'm still learning her different cries...like the difference between "I'm hungry" and "I just want comfort". So it is 11:30am and I still have not showered and I still have not eaten. So I guess it will be right to lunch then huh?

As I sat down at the computer early early this morning to try to get some work done, I thought about my Granny and the tradition that she instilled in me of reading the Psalms and Proverbs every morning. So I took a small break this morning before I started working to read His word. Since today is the 27th, I read Psalms 27. As I was reading, Psalms 27: 7-8 stuck out to me.

"7Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
   be gracious to me and answer me!
8You have said, "Seek my face."My heart says to you,
   "Your face, LORD, do I seek."

I realized after reading these two verses that I was not seeking the Lord today. I did not wake up and think about doing everything to the glory of the God that created me. I woke up and thought about all the things I wanted to do today. I let myself get overwhelmed with things that, on the big scale of things, don't matter at all. Like laundry, dishes, cooking dinner, working, feeding Ryot...etc. Yes, feeding and changing Ryot's diaper is important...dont call child services on me or anything....I'm just saying that in even the little things like feeding Ryot I need to be seeking the Lord. Seeking Him to calm my new mommy worries about every little noise that she makes. I need to trust that she is a gift from God and that He has His hands in protection over her.

The next verse stuck out to me for a whole different reason, but oddly enough the same type of worries. Yesterday I got to visit with wonderful family. It was so good to see Darrell and Sandy again. I miss them soooo much. We went to eat, and just got to visit with them for a couple hours. It really was a blessing. We talked about how things are now and how they used to be. We talked about fun happy subjects and we talked about tougher subjects that tug at my heart. One of those subjects being my Mom and Dad. Stuff that happened in the past and how my relationship is with my Dad today. After Brian and I left from hanging out with them, I still had my Mom and Dad on my mind. Last night I dreamt about them. This morning, I am still thinking about them. And the thinking often times turns into pain and anger, but God reminded me this morning of his faithfulness in with Psalms 27:9-14 that says

"9Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
   O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
    O God of my salvation!
¹⁰For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
   but the LORD will take me in. ¹¹ Teach me your way, O LORD,
   and lead me on a level path
   because of my enemies.
¹² Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
   for false witnesses have risen against me,
   and they breathe out violence.
 ¹³I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
   in the land of the living!
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
   wait for the LORD!

Even when I feel so disconnected, I need to wait for the Lord.
When I feel sad or mad or hurt or angry or betrayed or abandoned or confused, I need to wait for the Lord.

I get this bittersweet emotion sometimes when I'm holding Ryot. Usually it's when she is drifting off to sleep making all sorts of sweet noises and facial expressions. I look at her and get this mix of pure joy for having such a blessing and a sadness to think that my mom gave it all away. I get so confused because I try to imagine my life without Ryot in it and I am devastated. I have no regrets about how my life has turned out. I am married to a wonderful man that I love with all my heart. We have Izzy, Vini and Ryot who light up our lives everyday. We are blessed beyond measure. There are just days like today when I need a little reminder that God is in control and that he will not forsake me. So today, I will be strong and let my heart take courage. I will wait for the Lord because He will take me in.