Transparency

Transparent according to webster is:
A. free from pretense or deceit : frank
B. easily detected or seen through : obvious
C. readily understood
D. characterized by visibility or accessibility of information especially concerning business practices

So in order to learn everything that I can and be a learning tool for those around me, and my daughter in the future, I have decided to be transparent. Completely open and honest about what I'm feeling no matter how pathetic, embarrassing, or completely wrong I may be.

Today in conversing with my still-husband-but-hopefully-soon-to-be-ex, he told me that he is in love with the girl that he started dating the day after I posted on facebook that we were no longer together....which to lay it out plainly means that they obviously were dating long before that....ANYWAYS, he intends on marrying her and moving to Washington to be with her...and her FOUR kids.

Here is where the completely wrong point of view comes through which is just the broken heart speaking. I hope that he does move. I hope that he moves to Washington as far north in Washington as he can go. I hope that he gets a job so he can pay child support to Ryot and Izzy and Vini but that he never gets a promotion so that he can't afford to visit. I hope that he decides that he doesn't want to be a part of our lives so that I don't have to deal with him ever again. Is that whats best for Ryot? I don't know. Would I ever purposefully hinder a relationship with Ryot and her dad? As long as he isn't a danger to her, no. But I can dream....

How could I have been so blind? How could I not see that he was starting a relationship with someone else. I knew that we had arguments and issues but I wanted to work through them...not find someone to replace him.

So where am I? What am I doing? What am I thinking?

I am currently sitting at an empty table in a quiet house. I feel like the whole world is caving in on me. But what I feel and what I know are two different things. I know that my God is a jealous God and wants my heart to beat for Him. My heart didn't break that I didn't spend my quiet time with Him this morning, but it did break when Brian would neglect time with me. Saying that God is a jealous God is a blanket statement but an interesting concept when you put it in terms you can really grasp.... So what happens now? Now I wait. I pray and I wait for guidance and comfort. And I keep my head up by reminding myself of truth. I am chosen. I am loved. I am not judged. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And not only made, but created with gifts and talents meant only for me to serve a purpose in the body of Christ. I am here for a purpose and that is to glorify God. Yes, I am heartbroken, but in the big picture, what am I supposed to learn? How is this situation glorifying God? If it isn't glorifying God, how can I make it glorify God?