When Conflict Arises

Dr. Chapman – The Marriage You’ve Always Wanted
Part 2 – When Conflict Arises

Ok, on to Part 2 of my marriage conference posts…which just seems so appropriate since I’m currently so frustrated and upset in a conflict that looks like it has no solution. Funny how it works out that way, huh?

There will eventually be more posts on this marriage conference but don't hold your breath because I'm not ready to go through those yet. This one here is a big enough pill to swallow for now.

To quickly recap – There are 3 levels of communication. This 1st being day to day events including what you do, who you talk to, who you hang out with, etc. These are no brainer facts about your day. To connect with your spouse over these things would be to include the feeling behind it. For example, you could say that you talked to a group of coworkers about evolution vs creation and it made you feel accomplished for being firm in your faith and explaining your views on God’s creation. You have just told your spouse a fact and a feeling which let them in your heart and mind. Men, your wife will feel like you care and want them to be a part of your thought process. It’s a simple and yet helpful thing to encourage and increase ease of communication in your marriage. Good communication on the little things helps IMMESNELY with the big issues. Remember a Fact AND a Feeling. Muy Importante.

The 2nd level of communication is making decisions: from the simple – what to wear – to more in depth – where to go to church or how to raise your kids. This is also pretty easy but requires communication. Wives, men can NOT read your minds and do not know where you want to eat that night if you don’t tell them. Men, wives can NOT read your minds and do not know that you would rather stay at home and not spend the money. Communicate with them in a discussion-based manner and it will make life so much easier. DON’T ASSUME that they know what you are thinking.

This brings us to the 3rd level of communication: Conflict. Often when a conflict arises, it stems from a lack of communication. Everyone has been in a conflict so I do not need to give an example…and I’m not prepared to give the example that I’m in now because it isn’t resolved so I don’t think I would be very objective. So, on to how to effectively accomplish this complicated level of communication…
1. Deal with the Anger
A. Take a temporary timeout. This timeout should be 30 minutes to 1 hour, not 3 months or 3 years. This should just be a period to cool off and simmer down. If I’m honest, sometimes I need that full hour. Sometimes I feel like my blood is just boiling and a timeout lets me just take some deep breaths and get to the heart of the issue.
Proverbs 30:33 For pressing milk produces curds, pressing the nose produces blood, and pressing anger produces strife.
Ephesians 4:26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger
*Ugh, failed that one last night. :(
B. Examine your Anger.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Why am I angry? Is it the way he talks? How he looks at me when he is talking? The tone in his voice? Is it his body language? Or is it what he is actually saying?
2. After the timeout, take turns talking.
Take 5 minutes each to completely explain what you are saying and how you are feeling with NO INTERRUPTING. Don’t yell, this is a time to explain your case completely – in 5 minutes. When your 5 minutes is up, let the other person talk completely for 5 minutes with NO INTERRUPTING. This will help cut down name calling, assumptions, hanging up and will help turn down the heat. You can now have an organized conversation about differences verses a boxing match.
3. Practice Listening.
You have to actually listen to the other person to resolve the argument. When it is their turn to talk really listen to what they are saying so that some sort of progress can be made.
4. Listen to the facts AND the feelings.
This is a big one for me. Dr. Chapman gave a GREAT example. I’m going to try to explain it as best I can because I think it illustrates this point perfectly. He used the example of a wife being upset that the husband hasn’t called and said that he is going to be late. The conversation might go something like this:
*Husband walks in the door*
Wife: You never call me to tell me when you are going to be late! You have been an hour late every day this week! How am I supposed to know if you are in a hundred pieces on the highway or still working? The kids were hungry, we were waiting for you. The food was getting cold and I didn’t know whether to feed them or wait for you. Don’t you care about us?
Husband: I’m working hard for you and this is how you greet me right when I walk in the door? I wasn’t an hour late every day, on Wednesday I was only 30 minutes late. That’s what you always do…exaggerate and make me the bad guy. And what do you mean, “do I care about you?” Of course I care about you, that’s why I’m working so dang hard to provide for you and the kids and this is the thanks I get? I should have just stayed there if this is what I have to listen to everyday.
*Husband walks back out the door and wife cries. Later he comes back in and she is already asleep. He sleeps on the couch and goes to work the next day with nothing ever being resolved. Wife doesn’t want to argue again so she doesn’t say anything and just feels bitter.*

This isn’t exactly the example he gave but it was something to that design. Dr. Chapman went on to explain the back side of the hearts and minds of the husband and wife that they didn’t accurately express to one another. The husband in this example may think that if he stops the client meeting he is in to call his wife to tell her that he is going to be late, that he will lose the sale. He has an urgent need to provide for his family and can’t lose the sale so he doesn’t call. The wife is feeling unloved and pushed aside. She feels like he values work more than he values his family but instead of expressing that to him, she blows up and mixes feelings with facts clouding what the real issue is.

In this instance, both parties need to not blow up at the facts but listen to the feelings. The wife was feeling scared because she didn’t know if he was still working or if he had gotten in an accident because she hadn’t heard from him. She was feeling unsure if she should feed the kids or wait until he got there because she has an urgent need to take care of the well-being of the family. She is feeling unloved because she doesn’t know where his priorities lie. The conversation could have been transformed from an argument to a simple conversation if they would have listened to the feelings instead of blowing up at the facts.
5. Seek to understand.
If you want to resolve the issue, you have to try to figure out why they feel the way they do before you can figure out how to change the situation. How you do that is #6.
6. Express understanding.
This is key to me. I know that often times we don’t feel like the other person understands where we are coming from or why we are upset. This step is simple. All you do is re-explain in your own words how you think they are feeling to show that you understand.
Example: I understand that it makes you feel unloved when I don’t call you to tell you that I’m going to be late from work. Or, I understand that you are working hard to provide for our family and don’t want to lose the sale by calling me. This will show the other person that you care about understanding them and will help you find a solution.
7. Ask what can I do to help? And How can we solve this problem?
This will turn the conversation into the 2nd level of communication – Decision Making –versus the 3rd level – Conflict. This way you can decide how to solve the problem instead of pointing fingers and getting mad at the FEELINGS behind the problems.

There are no conflicts that CAN’T be resolved.
There are, however, conflicts that WON’T be resolved.

Humans don’t have the same feelings and thoughts. We were created this way. Realize that you have a conflict, lay it on the table (5 minutes at a time without interrupting), acknowledge that you understand the other and come up with a solution. That is so simple to say, and so hard to do! It is so easy to get caught up in the feelings.

Dr. Chapman made a good, and funny, point. If you win an argument, that means the other person is the loser…and it’s no fun being with a loser, so why create one?

Overcoming Communication Barriers
1. Learn his interests – poker, football, classic rock.
Even if the man doesn’t like you, he will probably talk to you for hours about football. Just don’t ask him questions DURING The game. (Dr. Chapman cracks me up)
2. Ask his advice
3. Check your own input
4. Share a Book
I bet some men are cringing at the thought, but this will help improve your communication. If you read 1 chapter a week, then pick one day and share one thing you learned or found interesting for one hour between the two of you, it will help better your communication. I know I would love to do this with Brian. For me it would be a window into his soul. I would get the chance to see how he thinks and processes information. It would be fascinating for me. Might be the same for you.
5. Apologize
This one is tricky. I need to buy and read Dr. Chapman’s book 'The Five Languages of Apology'. I know that this is an area that I struggle with and my relationship definitely does not have good communication in this area. A sneak peek of the 5 languages is HERE.
6. Meet Sexual Needs
There is a positive correlation between verbal communication and sexual needs.
7. Pray Together
I believe that if both of you are praying for and with each other that there is no way that your communication won’t improve. God will shape you and help you better your relationship to treat each other more like Christ would.

Communication Techniques
1. Repeat what the other person says.
When Dr. Chapman first said this point I was skeptical. I hate repeating myself and I thought that it would just cause frustration but the example he gave was hilarious and helped it make sense. This is not the exact example he gave, but it communicates the thought process effectively:

Husband: I’m quitting my job!
Wife: Honey, are you telling me that you want to quit your job?
Husband: Well my boss is so ridiculous and I can’t stand him!
Wife: So are you saying that you don’t get along with your boss?
Husband: We just had this last minute project that is really going to be impossible.
Wife: So are you saying that you don’t think you can finish the project in time?
Husband: I’m just overworked and stressed.
Wife: Are you saying that you work too much?
Husband: I know that I have to provide for you and the family and I can’t quit my job. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am just so tired, honey. I just don’t want to go anywhere tonight.

From I’m quitting my job to I’m tired. Now, that conversation could have spun out of control into a huge argument. When he said that he was quitting his job, the wife could have panicked and told him that they can’t afford for him to quit and given him a lecture with a bunch of other reasons. But by her just repeating what he was saying, she found out that he was just venting about being tired and didn’t want to go anywhere. Crisis averted. Now, Dr. Chapman did make a good point with this. Don’t take it overboard. It can get really annoying if you literally repeat EVERYTHING the person says. But use of this concept in moderation can be very effective to improving communuication.
2. Rate your feelings. Zero to Ten…answer in only a number.
I REALLY want to start using this in my conversations with Brian. It is so easy to get lost in the mix up of how someone really feels. The word fine to a man can mean that everything is ok, when the word fine to a woman can mean that she just gives up and doesn’t want to argue anymore.
Hey Hun, zero to ten, do you want to eat out tonight?
Hey Hun, zero to ten, do you want to see *this* movie?
When you use numbers to classify how you feel it helps clarify the real feelings instead of receiving mixed messages.

I know this is long and if you stuck through this blog post, your brain is probably overloaded with scenarios in your own life. That is how it worked for me. I was taking notes on how I can change my communication and hopefully decrease the amount of arguments. I believe that even if you only put to use one of these techniques, the communication in your marriage will be a ton more effective. My goal is to reduce the amount of level 3 communication – conflicts – to level 2 communication – decision making.

Now…if only I could figure out how to do that in my current situation…