Foggy Ramblings and Rockstar Ronan

My mind is so jumbled right now so I have a couple things that I want to write out.

1. UPDATE ON FOOD SITUATION
I can't say that I feel so much better because if it's not one thing, it's the next...I have been hacking and coughing and sneezing and sniffling. Both Ryot and I have been sick actually. We have been keeping each other company and a LOT of snuggle time has transpired. BUT I can say that my stomach feels SO much better! I have been eating according to my boundaries...most of the time...and can say that I have not had any painful episodes since I began! The boundaries are in place for a reasona and if I follow them I am a happy camper.

There are some things that I crave and it's hard to not get a little pouty that I can't have that big glass of milk or cheesecake or pineapple slices...mmmmmmmmm but the pain induced afterwards is TOTALLY not worth it. So, for the first time I got fresh sliced deli meat which is so much more delicious than the other stuff I used to get. I got Organic, dairy-free, lactose-free milk (if you can even call it milk after the prefacing adjectives). I used to drink milk by the glass. yummm, but I don't like this stuff by itself so I just use it to cook with and for cereal. I have noticed a HUGE difference. I used to drink coffee all the time and I have found that I can't cut it out completely, but I will treat myself every now and then and it is delicious! I'm finding that if I just cut back and the majority of the time eat what is on my approved list, in smaller portions and drink a lot of water my stomach doesn't hurt and I can function more.

2. BABY FEVER MADNESS
I have been watching FB friends through their pregnancies and having their babies. I have been watching youtube videos of newborns smiling at only a week old. I have been watching gender reveal videos and reactions of people when they find out their loved one is pregnant with a sweet baby or babies. The only explanantion is that I have baby fever. But this is nothing new. I have ALWAYS had baby fever. I have had baby fever since I could remember. Being a mom is the only "occupation" that I have ever been completely sure about. I love Ryot and Izzy and Vini. I love every moment I spend with them. They are such a blessing and to share parenthood with my amazing husband is what I have dreamt of. I have always wanted to get married and have a ton of babies.

Now to clarify, I am a working mom...a full-time working mom. I wish that I could stay home but that is not a possibility for me at this time. So I will cherish every minute that I have with my angel. I will do the dishes after she goes to sleep. I will sacrifice going to the gym so that I can spend that extra hour with her. I will dance even when people think I'm crazy. I will sing to her even though I don't have an American Idol voice. I will hold her and rock her and love her for longer than I'm "supposed to" because she is my baby and she is only going to be this little for so long. I could talk for hours and hours about how amazing my sweet little angels are. Ryot is so strong-willed and independent which makes her hugs and kisses just that more meanginful. Her smile lights up my whole life. Izzy is so bubbly and full of life. She sings like an angel and has so much passion for the people around her. Vini is so methodical and has the most contagious laugh I have ever heard. He is so smart and such a charmer. And if I'm honest, which I am, I would say I want more. I want more hands to hold and mouths to feed. I want more smiles and giggles and love. I want to raise an army of little hearts and minds on fire for the Lord. I want to cradle another little one and sing them to sleep. The pain, the restlessness, the worry, the stress, the lack of comfort, the widening waistline is ALL WORTH IT when I look into their eyes. I have been blessed!

To clarify something else, when asked how many kids I want, my typical answer is "as many as we can afford". I say this knowing that if God blesses us with another little one, He will provide for that new little one and our family as a whole. I'm not in the business of creating more stress. I just have a passion for little ones and wish that I could give all of them homes. I wish that I had a big home to house all of the little ones who don't have a loving family. I wish I could adopt every little kid in the world....but I obviously can't do that right now. So I will just pray that God directs my passion to the area that will give Him glory, and I'm going to stop watching so many videos of little ones so I don't get sad that I don't have that little miracle growing in me right now. Everything happens in God's perfect timing.

3. ROCKSTAR RONAN
I had to save this one for last for fear that I wouldn't get everything all out that I wanted to. Ronan has changed my life. Ronan is a little angel with the most beautiful eyes and beautiful spirit that lives on. I have been reading Maya Thompson's blog about Ronan and his horrible and beautiful story of life and love. I look at picture of my sweet angels and am so grateful for every moment that I am given. My heart breaks every day for Maya, Woody, Liam, Quinn and the little Poppy girl. I cry...at work...reading her blog and I share Ronan's story with everyone. No parent should ever have to go through what they are going through. No big brothers should ever have to miss their little brother. They should be teasing him. They should be teaching him how to dunk the basketball. They should be making crazy videos. But they aren't because Ronan is an angel.

Those who know me know that my mom took her life when I was 8. I had good and bad memories with my mom but in an 8 yr old mind, the good memories definitely outweigh the bad. Growing up without her was hard even I had people surrounding me with love and constant positivity. My pregnancy was the hardest. She should have been there. I should have been able to ask her questions and taken her to the ultrasound appointment. We should have had conversations about whether she was going to be Grandma or Nana or Gigi. But we didn't. I would not go back and change anything because I know that God has me where I am for a reason. I am grateful for all the things that I have been through and still trust him on a daily basis to gain happiness and joy from him and not my circumstances or emotions. Now having my own child, I wrestle with anger more than the hurtful side of my mom's decision. I can't even bring myself to try to imagine leaving Ryot. She is a miracle. She is an angel. She is a part of me. I love her more than anything on this earth. The thought of her being taken away from me is devastating. So I think with my love for Ryot and my past experience of losing my mom just make Ronan's story like a dagger to my heart. Maya is honest and transparent, something I aspire to be. She is open and ruthless in her emotions. She is beautiful and such a wonderful inspiration. I pray that God will give her peace and reveal himself to her. I pray for safety over her family. I pray that God will continually give me a grateful spirit and help me overlook the things that might be stressful or annoying at the time.

God is good all the time. I am so grateful for grace.

Don't take one second for granted. Kiss your loved ones. Say you're sorry.

Cherish EVERY moment.