I normally walked into my apartment towards the kitchen. I set my purse and Ryot's bag on the kitchen table, as usual. I casually flipped the light switch, but nothing. Nothing happened. I flipped the light switch back off, picked up Ryot's bag and my purse, closed my eyes and took a couple steps backwards.
Let's try this again.
I normally walked back into the kitchen. I set my purse and Ryot's bag on the kitchen table, as usual. I paused, took a deep breath and flipped the switch, but nothing. Nothing happened. Poor Ryot is staring at me like I have lost my mind. Maybe I have lost my mind. Maybe the past couple weeks have just been one big nightmare that I will wake up from and rejoin normal life. Not the case last night at least. Maybe tomorrow.
For the next half hour I am the barefoot mom pacing outside the front of her apartment with a baby on her hip getting the run-around from electric companies and providers. Call Southwest. Get transferred to Centerpoint. Centerpoint tells me that my moveout date was listed as 1/28 and thats why it was turned off. Centerpoint tells me to call Southwest. Southwest tells me to call Reliant. An automated Reliant system tells me to call Southwest. Southwest transfers me to Centerpoint. Centerpoint tells me that they can't do anything without an order from Southwest. I ask Centerpoint if they could turn my power on that night if I got Southwest to put the order in. Centerpoint tells me no.
During this fun merry-go-round of tranfers, and by fun I mean completely frustrating, I have texted Coral to let her know what was happening. Like the "true blue spider sister" she is, I start packing my bags to go stay with her for the night. Thank you LORD for my amazing family who is there to help in my time of need (which unfortunately seems to be a lot lately. I'm SORRY!).
So what do I do when I get in the car? I call him. Why did I call him? I was stressed and upset and it was natural. Call my husband. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm supposed to have him there and available to be able to call when stuff like this happens. That is how it is supposed to be. I call him and just start talking like everything is normal. But then I realize that everything is not normal. He doesn't want to be my husband anymore. I don't have that normality anymore. I get quiet and apologize for calling. He, of course, is kind and says that it's ok and I can call him whenever, but that he was going to get something to eat. This is NOT normal. This is NOT right. This is NOT how it's supposed to be. I just want today to be over. I want this month to be over. I want this year to be over. I want to travel back in time and make everything different. I want to crawl into a little hole and never come out. At least that's how I feel right now. Tomorrow I will probably be fine. Hey, in 20 minutes I will probably be fine. But right now I'm just mad. Just mad and hurt and scared and frustrated and lonely.
I know everything will be fine. I know I serve a great God who deserves all the glory. I know my attitude is not very glorifying to God. I know my fear is not showing my trust in Him. I know my frustration is probably frustrating to Him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry and right now I'm just overwhelmed.
Your Father is not frustrated with you. He isn't disappointed, and He isn't minus one teensy iota of glory because you are hurting and frustrated and overwhelmed. He's way bigger than that. And remember...He walked on this ball of dirt with us, AS us. He knows pain and disappointment and heartache. And He doesn't expect you to be bigger than your humanity. He just wants you to remember that HE is bigger than your humanity.
ReplyDeleteRelax, little sister. You do not have to perform your way through this. Just be where you are in this journey. Don't try to be further down the road than you really are, because that will actually delay your healing and restoration. Just be...be with Him, lean on Him, cry on Him, let Him hand you safe things to throw when the energy of all the pain needs to come out of you instead of staying stuffed and stifled. He doesn't even mind if you yell, and if you ask Him, He'll even give you some great words to yell--ones that actually help.
Just keep holding on, one day at a time.
Thank you. I just want it to be over.
DeleteI love you.
ReplyDeleteCall me instead of him. that is what i'm here for. For you to vent, cry, voice your concerns your worries, joys and sadness. I will listen, cry, and be joyous or sad with you. I will let you kbow what I think or feel, but not shove my opinion down your throat.
You are one of the most amazing, beautidul, smart, caring people I know. your faith assures me, your will and determination inspire me. You, my dear sw, make me want to be a better person. I know we have only known each other a few short years, but I honestly feel like ive known you for a lifetime. We will forever be BEST FRIENDS and with that comea EVERYTHING! I love you and jb soo much!
Thank you sw. I love you too.
Delete