Today sucks.

At work, I can put on this face and smile and carry on as if nothing is wrong. In front of Ryot I can be the most fun-loving, happy, dance party partner, puzzle genius, chef and cuddle buddy. But I see his picture, and I freeze. I think about the past and I don't know whether to smile or cry or both. I hear his voice and I just completely crumble.

This was not supposed to happen.
This was not the plan.
I didn't want this for Ryot.

I know the truth and the hope that I have in Christ and I am so grateful. I don't know how I would survive without His promises and comfort.

Please don't tell me there are other fish in the sea. There might be, but in my mind there aren't. I married him. I wanted him. He was the only one. forever. until death do us part. murder is unbiblical and illegal so he was it. There has never been another option in my mind. Sure there are guys that are good looking but I was off the market. They didn't even register as an option. And now I have to change that mindset? How am I supposed to just switch it off? I don't have the new age thoughts of being married until you are tired of it. I took my vows seriously and now they are nothing.

Yes, I have my beautiful perfect little girl out of it and for that I am eternally grateful. I don't regret the relationship or what it taught me. I'm just at a loss. Ya see, I'm a planner. I like to know what happens next. At work I have created order and protocols that have improved efficiency and morale. It flows easy. I know what to expect. There is a process and a reason for everything. When Ryot was a tiny tot I kept her on a strict schedule so that we both could have the stability and security for our day. But now I'm at a place where I have absolutely no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. And the thing is that I understand it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I know I'm guilty of planning my life and asking for God's blessing afterwards. I know that God has me exactly where he wants me. But right now this just sucks. I know in my head it is right and following God's plan and will for my life will produce far great results than I could ever plan for myself. I believe that. I know I will be in a better place soon.

But honestly, this sucks. It hurts. It is heart-wrenching, devastating, horrible, scary pain that doesn't just go away with a promise of "there are other fish in the sea". I don't want other fish. I wanted mine.

I'm sad. I'm functioning, but I'm sad. I can smile, but I hurt. I can laugh, but I'm broken.

This just plain freaking sucks.