Job and James and Kayla?

I have been sad and I have been tired. I have answered that I am "just ok". I have vented. But I have forgotten about Job and James.

Most of the time I feel guilty about feeling sad and hurt as if it is a sign of weakness to ache as I do. I think about James and I should be counting "it all joy" because my faith is producing steadfastness. And when I read that I can be positive about the future. I know this pain is temporary. I know God has bigger plans. I am really excited to see what those plans are, but I'm not rushing to move on or find someone new. I know that God is going to do mighty things in my and my beautiful angel's life and I am excited to impact the world. God is faithful and perfect and He has been my Jehovah Jireh on so many occassions in my life. I have full faith that He will continue to be my rock and security and salvation. I think about my witness and I feel like I should be happy all the time because I have the hope in Christ and his glory is what really matters. I know that my life has meaning and purpose. I try my hardest to glorify God with my attitude, actions and thoughts. He is it. He is the I Am. He deserves all the praise and worship despite what is going on in my own little world.

God WILL get the victory. I will be happy again, but I have everlasting joy now and always. The joy that only Christ can bring. Joy that is permanent regardless of any circumstance. But happiness? That emotion only comes in spurts for me lately. But then I think of Job. He had EVERYTHING taken away from him. Pretty much all of Job 16 & 17 displays Job crying and weeping and hurting. He is "shriveled up" (vs 8) "broken" (vs 14), his "face is red with weeping" (vs 16) and he is "hopelss (vs 15). Oh how I have claimed these emotions as my own this week. I know it's not a comparison but it is such a relief to see those raw emotions displayed. Yesterday I vented and then felt SO guilty as if feeling these horrible emotions and pain and fear and desparity was taking away from the hope I have in Christ.

I was created human with a heart to love. And not just a regular heart that only loves some things or halfway. Love is not a hard emotion for me to come by. I love people I don't even know and genuinely FEEL their pain. Reading "Bringing Home the Browns", "Praying for the Nevils" and "Rockstar Ronan" has me in constant prayer and often times tears for these families. I don't know what it is like to have my spouse in a coma, or my child injured or taken away from me by cancer. But I feel that pain to the point of empathy. I feel that pain and thank God for what I have on a daily basis.

So I have asked myself this question so many times, why - a dangerous thing to ask, I know - WHY would God create me so sensitive and then have awful things happen? Why don't I have a relationship with my Dad, one I so desperately desire? Why didn't my mom get to go to my ultrasounds and meet my sweet little girl? Why did I end up as a single parent when this was one of the main things I was trying to avoid? Well, I really don't need to know why. At this point in my life I am past needing to know God's motives. Time and time again He has proven to me, even though he didn't have to, that he is good and perfect and faithful and omnipotent and merciful and righteous and protective and jealous and loving and everything that I need at any moment of my life. He is everything and in everything and everything that exists is because of and for him. Praise the Lord for that! He is sovereign and deserves all the praise and worship we can offer.

In continuing this thought, part of me says that God would receive an even greater glory becuase my complete abandonment to him in those areas of my deepest insecurity would be more genuine. But then, am I allowed to feel that pain that the horrible situations create? Am I allowed to cry out like Job? Satan tested Job and took away everything. Job cried out in agony and hurt and desperation but still remained faithful in his heart and mind that God is good. I mean, seriously, look at his heart being poured out here:

Job 16: 11-17
11 God gives me up to the ungodly
and casts me into the hands of the wicked.
12 I was at ease, and he broke me apart;
he seized me by the neck and dashed me to pieces;
he set me up as his target;
13 his archers surround me.
He slashes open my kidneys and does not spare;
he pours out my gall on the ground.
14 He breaks me with breach upon breach;
he runs upon me like a warrior.
15 I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin
and have laid my strength in the dust.
16 My face is red with weeping,
and on my eyelids is deep darkness,
17 although there is no violence in my hands,
and my prayer is pure

I completely identify with Job here. I have "laid my strength in the dust" so that Christ's strength is all I have. "My face is red with weeping", and in other words I look like a druggie most of the time, but I know that God is pure and has greater plans.

I have been devastated. But I think I'm allowed to be. I know who my God is. I know He gets the victory. I know that my whole world does not revolve around this heartache. This is merely one stepping stone toward being closer with God. I am strong in front of Ryot. I am strong at work. I am strong when I have to be. But I think in my quiet hours, my secret space, my alone time, I am allowed to hurt and feel and cry and be sad. No, my whole family wasn't taken from me, but it still sucks. SUCKS.

So what is the verdict of my thoughts and rants? I think I am allowed to feel. I think it is ok to be sad and hurt. I am not going to feel guilty for being honest with how I am doing. However, God has been, is and will always be forever worthy of praise, glory and complete abandonment of self. He is it, people. Choose him, choose God. Don't wait for something traumatice to happen that forces to you desperation. Don't wait. He loves you and is waiting for you to call out to him. He is the only thing that can make you happy. He is the ONLY reason that I can have hope after this kind of life-changing disappointment. I am not going to say that this doesn't hurt. It sucks so bad but I know this isn't going to last forever. So for now, I will feel. I will cry or scream if I feel like it. I will eat way too many oreos and watch movies and wear sweatpants all the time. I will cry out to God but I will do so laying all of my fears, worries and pain at His feet knowing what is truth.

This was not my fault.
I am cherished and loved.
I am chosen as a daughter of the Most High King.
I have a purpose.
I have an inheritance in heaven waiting for me.
God will be glorified.

And that is good enough for me. Actually that is WAY more than I deserve and I am so grateful.